AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

Oh God this is even worse. He knows you aren't happy about it but he doesn't care as long as you keep your gob shut and hand over the cash.

He's trained you well to shut up and put up with his wants and desires over you and your needs/wants hasn't he. Does he do this in other areas of your family life?

He knew you wouldn't be happy and yet he did it anyway. Still think it wasn't deliberate?

Oooffff. My cynical side does suspect this.

Well his actions have tainted the holiday regardless of how it ends up.

It was meant to be a special family holiday with the four of you.

A friend of mine did a safari holiday and his wife invited her sister and nephew. The nephew was a pain, whinged all the time about everything (the heat, the accommodation, lots of walking, flight too long etc...) and it somewhat ruined what was meant to be a memory making holiday.

You do need to speak to your husband about it. If he cancels the friends coming then they'll be pissed. If he doesn't then you'll be annoyed.

More of a whiff of arsehole.

'Oh don't look like that...'

OP, I don't know how you kept your cool. I'd have exploded. If it was me (not saying you should do this though). I'd cancel it. There's no way I'd allow this level of manipulation to fly.

He should have asked you first. You know it, we all know it and he definitely knows it. He didn't because he knew you would 'look like that'. He wants to go on holiday with his friend and securing that meant decieving you. He also knows you will be too concerned about harming the friendship to make a fuss.

I expect the friend is attractive is she? Go on OP, tell us her arse is like the back end of a bus and she has a face like a chewed toffee....we know neither are.

Nope, he did not but he is very easy going and we travel lots! Years later I found out it was meant to be a romantic getaway and we just laughed about what happened. But I genuinely invited everyone along very spontaneously as I was very excited about the trip!

This isn't a man who really cares what you feel. It's the reaction of someone who cares about getting their own way.

I understand that this isn't a thread that you want to pull on but I suspect your subconscious is screaming at you that this situation is not right.

The dynamic with the friends is not a positive one if it's resulting in your husband making family decisions unilaterally. It does sound like there's more going on there than you may want to acknowledge.

If he cares more about damaging the friendship with her than he does about his own wife's feelings then there is an issue. The kids are a smokescreen, they will enjoy themselves without additional people there. That's just emotional leverage for him.

You need to really think hard about the pattern of behaviour that is playing out in front of you. Don't dismiss your gut instincts because I suspect that's why you started this thread.

It must be a shock to the system that so many strangers on the internet can see what's clearly happening in this situation. Take some time and look at the situation with fresh eyes as we are.

You don’t need this man @SleepySquirre1 he would struggle without you paying for everything. You might not notice that much difference in your standard of living without him and plus you wont be railroaded into putting up with husband’s demand of total control and fearing his reaction if you say no.
He doesn’t see you as a priority in his life just a convenience to pay his way.

So basically he cares more his friend is happy to go more than he cares you don't want the friend to go?
Given you are paying he is one cheeky fucker...

So he doesn’t discuss things with you and you don’t discuss things with him?

You both have serious communication issues.

Oh no he didnt say "oh dont look like that", like hes only taken the last Rolo or something 😂

Im getting vibes that you'll be totally railroaded into doing whatever everyone else wants to do on this holiday. I really do hope you find the confidence to stand up to him about this, its really not on what hes done and as a pp said he can just tell his mate he made a mistake. Unless he values his pal more he can very easily roll back on this without upsetting his friend.

I’m a firm believer that there are two sorts of people: those who like to meet friends on an individual basis or within a specific group and those who are “more the merrier” types. And neither can understand the other!

I think that - unless you are both undoubtedly the latter type - these situations need to be managed carefully. There’s a huge difference between your DH dropping on you that his friend and her family are joining you at the pub for the evening and his inviting them on your (clearly) special holiday.

He needs to tell his friend he misstepped. Apologise to her, reassure her it’s nothing personal/not about her/them or whatever. Maybe arrange a weekend away en masse or something. But he needs to get back to this being a family holiday for your family…..

But why would inviting another family along make a 'good thing better?' Surely a family unit will have an amazing time just the 4 of them? It sounds as though the OP's DH would rather not spend time just with his wife and kids & wants his best friend along so he doesnt get bored. I have friends who rarely holiday just with their immediate family but always combine with relatives. All that has happened is their kids have turned into teenagers who refuse to go on holiday if its 'just' with their parents/siblings. I personally think that's a shame.

amazing holiday plus getting to share it with people he loves spending time with

Shouldn't those people he loves spending time with be you and your DC? Are you and your DC not entertaining enough for him?

Grown up me would have a serious talk with him about the marriage and family coming first, not friends.

Petty bitch me work be changing the dates and not telling him or his friend, I also wouldn't be paying for him if he couldn't be arsed to share this amazing experience with me and the DC.

Oh no OP put your foot down and don’t be walked over.
Do you realy want to be with him after this? His disregard for your feelings …

Yeap, I did. We were out together with all of my friends for dinner and the trip to Switzerland came up and I said do you guys want to join?! And everyone said yes haha! But back then (we didn’t have kids yet) we used to go on a weekend trip to Europe at least once a month (good old days with the cheap ryanair flights 😂) So I didn’t think about it thoroughly!

This sounds so awful on so many levels. It's staggering and you don't seem to be able to see it or stand up for yourself. Your husband has went behind your back to arrange his best female friend and family joining you on a special once in a lifetime experience. Not a weekend camping or whatever.

He's presumably had to have fairly detailed conversations with her because it's a big expensive thing to do, not just something to be arranged over text. He purposely hasn't told you that he's talked to her about it. Kept it from you. His friend has presumably not bothered to ask if you are ok with it. You aren't being considered. They are making plans together. He knows that's it's not what you would have wanted and he doesn't care.

His response to you about "not making a face" shows he doesn't care. He has put what he wants first. He knows you won't make a fuss and will suck it up unhappily. And to put the boot in further you will pay for it. He must think you are a bit of a sucker honestly.

He should be putting you first and considering your feelings. Your updates show that he doesn't. Time to stand up for yourself.

I can’t see any reason why they can’t be disinvited, this trip is two years away. Your DH made this mess and should be adult enough to fix it. “Sorry BFF I got a bit carried away when I invited you on the safari, we are just going to have a family trip. Let’s book something a little more low key for us as a group “
If your DH won’t fix it because he doesn’t want to upset BF that tells you the is happy for you to be upset so that she isn’t. Or that he would prefer that you are upset rather than face brief embarrassment with a good friend. Any adult would understand that this invitation wasn’t actually appropriate particularly as it hadn’t been discussed with you.
It is very selfish behavior on his part at a minimum.

I haven't RTFT but safari is a really social holiday. You won't be just your nuclear family anyway as meals tend to be communal. We've been a few times with and without kids and with kids with another family would have been way better.

Exactly, if he'd rather upset his wife than cause a bit of embarrassment with his best friend. It really says where priorities are.

I'd much prefer the more the merrier approach. Nuclear family holidays bore me senseless after 48 hours.

He should have spoken to you first either way.

That is an incredibly dismissive response, I would be so upset if that was my DH and I absolutely would be asking him to disinvite his friend. If that’s enough to ruin a longstanding friendship then perhaps it wasn’t that strong to start with.