AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

Why would the friendship be damaged?

Is that just an excuse for why he wouldn't uninvite her them?

Because he bloody well should!

It’s not an uninvite either if you’ve cancelled the holiday because you’ve realised you can’t afford it in 2 years.

Id be livid and insist we change the dates or go safari somewhere else tbh, it will change the dynamics and youll have lots of "what shall we do today together". Let him explain the stupid twat.

The only way id even consider being slightly ok with this would be if its agreed youre not on holiday together, you just happen to be in the same place, so meet up a couple of times but no more than that.

Thing is, if OP were a SAHM with a high earning DH, it still wouldn’t be acceptable for the DH to say “I am the one who earns and pays and I decide about the holiday.” I know that he who pays the piper calls the tune, but I don’t think that makes for a happy marriage.

The issue for me is the communication, not who earns most. It’s a marriage, so joint assets, anyway. Those marriage promises seem to count for nothing once the chips are down.

Hmm I’ve done what your husband did and invited my friends to a what it was meant to be a romantic ski trip in Switzerland that my husband got me for Christmas. 6 of my friends came along 😂 But def it was not a special/once in a lifetime trip. Maybe talk to him and ask him to say no as it was meant to be just for you. I would feel the same if it was such an important trip. I am sure he ll understand!

This …

He absolutely should have discussed this with you first. It's a big decision which should have been made together as it will impact you all. It's definitely not the same as inviting them to the pub on a random Sunday lunchtime.

Hi OP. You have several issues here that run deeper than this trip.

The first is he didn’t ask you. Either he doesn’t understand the concept (and importance!) of protected family time, or he doesn’t value it. The second, is your most recent comment - that he wouldn’t uninvite them (because you think it would ruin the friendship!) even if you did talk to him. That’s a massive red flag. First, it points to your passivity. Second, to his knowledge that he can do whatever he wants and you will go along with it. Which is probably why he didn’t discuss it with you in the first place.

Interesting he would not uninvite them because of the supposed damage to the friendship, but he’s perfectly happy not to discuss decisions with you and damage your relationship. Besides, if this friendship is apparently as strong as you portray, any reasonable person would understand the importance of protected family time and wouldn’t be in the least bit offended.

You have a boundary issue within your relationship, both between you and your husband, and him and his friends. You also have a communication issue in the sense he won’t discuss things with you, and you apparently won’t discuss them with him.

The question moving forward is are you happy to remain submissive and subservient to your husband and his friendship, in which case you will find yourself in many more of these situations of your own choosing, or are you going to start being who you actually are and giving your opinion and setting down your expectations for yourself and your family?

I mean unless they've booked it already and would lose money I don't see why it would damage the friendship.

"I'm really sorry guys but I invited you without speaking with my wife first and she had her heart set on it being a family thing and idiot me didn't know".

If he can't humble himself and is hiding behind "I don't want to upset our friends" - then he's a loser. Absolutely don't tolerate that nonsense.

This. Excellently put.

OP, my heart sank for you reading this. My DH is also very much a "the more the merrier" type of person, and I'm not.

I'm not antisocial or anything, but I am someone who values time alone, and time with just my family unit. Because DH knows me better than anyone, and he respects how I feel he would never in a million years pull a stunt like this.

He might say "what would you think about inviting X and Y and their DC to come on our trip?" but he would be absolutely fine with me saying "actually I'd prefer if it was just us". He wouldn't try to change my mind and he certainly wouldn't dream of taking it upon himself to arrange it behind my back then present it as a fait accompli.

Do you think your DH didn't ask you first because he knew you'd say no? The alternative is that he simply didn't consider your feelings at all. In your shoes, I'd be asking him which it is. Either way, he needs to stop taking you for granted.

I think it will be a great trip with your friends coming along too and you should feel excited about it knowing they will make a good thing better.

However, I would be incredibly upset that my DH didn’t even have a discussion with me about this at all before asking them.

I would be telling him that you don’t want this to happen again.
A holiday is a massive thing and all decisions should be discussed as a couple.

He could clearly tell from my initial reaction that I wasn’t thrilled and he made a comment along the lines of “oh don’t look like that.” But that was basically the end of it and I didn’t say anything more at the time.

Why didn't you say anything further op?

The fact he'd be immediately so dismissive kind of suggests that he knew you wouldn't be pleased and was prepared for that. That's a much bigger red flag than "oh wait I assumed that would be OK, is that not OK with you?" And realising he's messed up.

His response really changes things for me op, I think he's done what he wanted despite knowing it wouldn't be what you wanted.

I think you should have a check through his messages to her if I'm honest. Normally I'd never advocate that but in this particular instance it feels a bit like you're sleep walking through your relationship. If it gives you reassurance that nothing else is going on then great, but if not at least you know before you have to sink any more money into this trip.

I’m sorry OP. But “don’t look like that”?!!

He’s more bothered about the look on your face quelling his excitement than he is about how you feel?

YANBU, he has been hugely disrespectful of you here.

Are you absolutely sure he's not secretly in love with her?

I think he values her friendship in whatever form that is over you op.

He wants her there so badly you got told to not look like that.

Her husband needs to be the one contacting them, his fuck up, he fixes it!

Absolutely this.

He knows what he wants and he's going to get it while his wife pays the bill. Painful.

* bog standard * it should say!

He didn’t care enough about your tepid response to even open up a discussion he just made a blasé remark telling you not to look annoyed/ hurt as a warning to not take things further! His choice his decision so shut up and put up with his commands.

Yeah, as others have said, the issue is that he did this without asking you. I mean, I would absolutely hate going away with another family and my husband is on the same page, but in areas where we have different expectations we always check with the other before committing us both to anything. That’s just what you do in a marriage I think. It’s part of being the most important person to each other, putting your partners feelings above anyone else’s.

Did your husband mind?

Oh, ouch. That’s not great. I’m starting to get a whiff of manipulation here. @SleepySquirre1 would you say that you get your preferred option more often than he does, or that you more often go along with what he wants?