AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I don't think any reasonable person would lose a friendship over a misunderstanding over a big holiday. There might be a little disappointment but so what - you are disappointed now OP.

If they aren't reasonable - they aren't real friends, so sod em.

I also think this is really different from camping in Wales or even a villa in the Algarve. Not the principle of him inviting them without talking to you first, but the sense of a once in a lifetime trip, and the price alone - especially as you are having to fund the bulk of it. This sort of holiday needs to be savoured, slowly. Hanging with friends is fun but it might distract from the magic of a safari, and seeing it through your children's eyes. And this is coming from someone who loves nothing more than summer drinking on holiday with friends...

I don't see why it's a big deal. Just contact your friends directly and explain that it was a miscommunication/misunderstanding and that this was meant to be a family trip. I'm sure they will understand. Do it now before your friends start rearranging their whole schedule around this trip. Then tell your husband not to do anything like that again!

Fuck that. There's no way I'd go a long time of sacrifices for something amazing when my husband had make a decision like that without asking me first. Talk about being taken for granted.

I'd tell him he was out of order and that I'm seriously considering sacking it off because of it.

And yes I suspect it's not that tricky to say he got a little carried away and hadn't thought through the logistics, so how about we do something together next year instead that's a little closer to home etc

If he has known this woman as long as he has you surely she would be a joint friend by now! You mix with her, her husband and children yet she is your husband’s best friend?

This. Urgently! Don't be passive.

I would be really upset in your shoes @SleepySquirre1 , and also really fucking angry.

Upset because the wonderful family holiday I was so looking forward to would be ruined by having friends there. However well you all usually get on, it will completely change the whole experience.

Angry because your DH didn't even run it past you before asking them. Honestly, I'M angry on your behalf!

I think he should definitely uninvite them. Explain that you'd like to keep it as a special time for just the four of you.
If they're such great friends they should understand.

If HE doesn't get it, then you have a bigger problem on your hands...

If it's too late in terms of nonrefundable deposits already paid then he's going to have to figure out how to earn the money to pay for what is now HIS choice of holiday.

He totally is in love with her, though. Their "friendship" sounds very enmeshed.

OP I absolutely think your husband can and should uninvited them - it really shouldn’t impact the friendship - just a quick call, before they book anything to say, sorry think I got ahead of myself the trip was really about us spending quality time with the kids and as lovely as it would be to have you there realistically we’ll get less time one on one with them. Sorry again I hope you understand we love spending time with you all but this is just one of those special family trips.

This is an excellent example of what could be said. He absolutely needs to un-invite them as quickly as possible.

You have very eloquently articulated exactly the point I was trying to make! It is so very weird to distinguish her as HIS best friend. Even someone who he knew years before, if the kids are all friends and everyone sees each other regularly, surely everyone would just be friends together?

I agree with other PP upthread that this is incredibly selfish and thoughtless of your partner to invite others without any kind of consultation. I would be just as upset because this entirely changes the dynamic of what shoud be a family holiday. Ive also had very negative experiences of going on holiday with other people and having to go along with their preferences and compromise. I stopped that many years ago.

I would be pretty up front in telling your partner how you feel and offering not to go in these circumstances. He is going to have to man up and tell his friends that the trip is off.

"Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this."

I really can't understand this. Why do you have to ask your husband to uninvite them? They might be closer to him but surely they are your friends too? Just send a text, no need to ask husband - he didn't ask you after all! And if it really has to be your husband that uninvites them and he won't do it, then if it were me, I would kick up an almighty fuss and refuse to go and pay for anything until he did it!

And what would be more damaging to your friendship with these friends is going on a trip with them and resenting them for being there. If I were your friends I would not want this. I'd rather not go.

Can you get the deposit back? If so, I’d get it back. Then I’d sit him down and say since apparently we are now making large game changing decisions solo without consulting the other, so have I, and I have cancelled the trip and been refunded. I did not ask or agree to have your best friend invited, and i am not prepared to work as hard as I would have to the next couple of years to fund your dream holiday while you forget to consider me in your planning. I matter, and this is not a marriage if you disagree with that.

then, walk out. Let him stew. You don’t need to push the conversation.

tbis is as long as it’s cancellable. If it’s not if have a different conversation which would be much more raging where I promised him I was only ever funding holidays from now on where I take the kids and not him, why would I fund a man who thinks I’m not worth considering to come on holiday with us? And say we won’t be able to afford it now anyway since no fucking way am I working my ass off for years for the trip of a lifetime holiday with my husband who forgot to care what I think or what I want. I’m not doing it. I’ll be taking solo weekends away or with the kids, since I matter. You’ll have to find the rest of the money since I won’t be.

We really will never know how the Op responded will we

Along with my previous post I totally agree that in many cases this is the scenario although obviously not in all situations.

My DH & I have a few couple friends we consider mutual now regardless of who knew who first. We would never consider socialising alone just because I knew my male friend first simply because I have more respect for his wife. DH feels the same.

The OP hasn't mentioned if her DH socialises alone with this female friend. If he does & also wants her company on this special family holiday I'd tell him in no uncertain terms where to go.

I would be raging. What an inconsiderate prat!

1. He can have that conversation with his friend and uninvited them.
2. If he is not prepared to do that, he can pay for the trip instead of you.
3. Next time you take your kids away and leave him out of holiday planning.

What he has done is incredibly selfish with no consideration for your feelings.

Wow - no, you’re not unreasonable at all. A big standard week or two package holiday, maybe ‘the more the merrier’. A once in a lifetime trip, no, no, no. We did a similar trip as a family and it would have been a totally different experience with another family tagging along, especially if their children are younger. There’s now way it would have been as good, let alone better. There’s dynamic will be totally different, their kids might get bored, tired, whines and you could end up hanging out with the adults while the kids all go off together.

IMHO - and many other people’s as well - this type of trip is far more enjoyable when it’s just the immediate family. Anything else spoils it.

Contact his friend and explain you want it to be just the 4 of you and don’t share any further info re dates, flights, accommodation etc with your DH.

And definitely tell him how out of order it was to make such a MAJOR decision without discussion and agreement from you first. What an arsehole.

And for info - there’s an amazing trip advisor board for safari holidays with loads of cost saving tips (e.g not booking the actual safari from here but waiting until you’re there etc).

He made the decision without consulting you. If you are the main contributor to the costs then thats not on. Its his mistake and it is easily fixed. My parents had a similar issue once with a family member inviting themselves on our last big family holiday. They understood when it was explained it was a holiday for just the four of us.

I totally get that it would take the shine off the thought of it. It would for me too.

But what about the damage to you, and your relationship?

Hed be getting told "absolutely not. You didn't discuss it with me and I would have said no to it anyway. You're just going to have to phone them up and apologise and tell them your mistake and that it's just to be a family holiday. Get to it now before they start booking things".

Don't miss and hit the wall with this op. He needs to fix this ASAP. And if he won't then tell him he can pay for the holiday then and take the kids alone because you're money will be taking you to a solo spa retreat in the sun.

Recently someone on this board used the word Polycule. Is this where op realises she’s in one?!

Yes I agree.
No way would I be paying for a holiday my husband could enjoy with his female best friend.
If he wants to foot the whole bill and I go for a free holiday with the kids, maybe ok. I'll go along with the idea.
Me paying for him and his female bestie to have a great time together 🤢 errrrr not happening.