To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

It's the ones that buy though that create the conditions that create the harm. Calling someone old enough to work 'silly' is infantilising men and a very big part of the problem ...as is identifying him as a son.

OP is someone's daughter who he imposed his kinks on ...not as an unknown stranger but as someone she has to work with on an ongoing basis

Its creepy and not 'silly'

It is possible for a man do something sexually inappropriate but minor enough to not require official sanction, particularly if he apologised and nothing more has come of if it in the meantime.

I’m with you and they definitely can.

Hmm but how would the mates know about the underwear - weird to be talking about that.

I don’t think I would personally report him. Although I might regret that if I later found out he was bothering other women.

When I was 17 I had a similar offer from an older colleague at the pub I worked at. I wish I had reported it because now about 10 years later I know he sexually harassed a lot of other colleagues. Doesn't matter if he’s young, he needs to learn the hard way. I imagine my old boss got away with a lot in his younger days due to his “cheek” and “silliness”.

There’s a lot of things I don’t think should go to HR, but this is something I do think should. This behaviour only continues if they get away with it.

...and this is how repeat offenders are missed

But by telling OP to run to HR is infantilising women.

She is the older, more experienced colleague. She can handle this without resorting to humiliating the poor lad in his workplace.

As PPs have said, he could complain about the overtly sexual conversation on a work night out.

There are no perps or victims here. It’s all petty and childish.

I wouldn’t report unless it happens again. It was a one off idiotic mistake, he deserves to feel stupid and embarrassed but not to get fired.

Also maybe don’t joke about Only Fans with your colleagues!

Yes of course you can, when the test is whether a reasonable person would think it is wanted or not.

For example:

A) Woman says in a pub to female colleague "I bought some new underwear today." Male colleague overhears and later messages saying "if you were serious, I'll buy your used underwear!"

B) Woman says in a pub to male colleague, grabbing his tie and whispering in his ear, "I'm up for selling my used underwear, only to you though." Male colleague later messages saying "if you were serious, I'll buy your used underwear!"

C) Woman says in a pub to group including male colleague, all quite tipsy, "I would definitely sell my used underwear! Wouldn't bother me at all. ...Yeah, I'd sell to colleagues too! Nothing to be ashamed of!" Male colleague later messages saying "if you were serious, I'll buy your used underwear!"

Of those scenarios I would say A is definitely unwanted, B is definitely wanted, and C is... a judgement call! You?

Did he offer a good price!!, seriously, he’s stupid but he’s apologised, I’d leave it at that, unless he does it again.

Quite right, it’s a rubbish excuse.

Unless this guy is an absolute sleeze bag, which i doubt as he has retracted, it's better to let it lie, unless there is another proposition. If she takes this to HR they may beleive she was complicit/flirting and is unlikely to be viewed positively, either with HR or her colleagues. It would be a different matter if he repeated the suggestion.

Oh I disagree ...the colleague made a direct and inappropriate request for sex work to another colleague.

Reporting will reveal if there is a pattern of behaviour and put a first time on record

Make it clear that this is attention is unwanted. If he continues, take it further. If not, job done.

I'm 50 actually, dearie.

Centre myself in speech I hear? What are you blathering on about?

Inappropriate yes, but it was neither direct nor a request.

"If you were serious... ...I dont mind"

No decent HR would think discussing only fans 'lightheartedly' in a group ...was "complicit" or "flirting" with a colleague ...this is a "what was she wearing defence" and really really grim

Women are not owned by mens thoughts of them 🤢😔🤦‍♀️

How do you explain justifying someone directing a kink to a colleague then?

OP is someone's daughter who he imposed his kinks on ...

OP is also someone's daughter who admitted she joined in a discussion in the pub about it being okay to sell clothing items on Only Fans. The colleague shouldn't have sent the text but saying he's a sexual predator she should be frightened of being around is OTT.

He knows it was wrong.

That’s why he apologised.

What punishment would you deem appropriate?

Direct...sent soley to OP

You heavily edited didn't you:

"if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’"

Try getting into the real world.

HR being aware he behaves inappropriately

Nothing less than a public flogging if the rest of that poster's comments are anything to go by!

I am...which is why so many PP are fearful of the consequences of reporting this for the colleague