To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

YABU, you participated in the conversation.

Whereas you feel being this inappropriate to a work colleague is OK and should be minimised...leading to ???

This

Some people are saying OP is older and the more experienced colleague. That could imply one doubts a young man couldn't take advantage of or even harm a woman older than him. There are a lot of persistent stereotypes here: harassment (or even rape) is based on attraction, a younger man wouldn't be attracted to a woman older than himself, or indeed, an older woman, young men need to be excused and cannot be blamed for misjudging a woman's behaviour, a woman is at fault for having joined in on banter if a man uses it as an invitation for sex talk or propositioning. These are just some.
At the end of the day it amounts to blaming the woman for any unwanted comments or actions.

I've said it was inappropriate. I just don't agree with your "sexual predator imposing his kink" take.

.....that gave him tacit permission to ask to pay for sexual favours.....right right

Mmm er ok 🤦‍♀️

How is it mean. She encouraged a conversation he’s took it too far realised he took it to far apologised and she wants to report him leaving out the part she actively encouraged it.

report him by all means but atleast tell yhe whole story. This is why real victims of men don’t want to report as to many women twist the fact to protray their ideal narrative

So you would happily lie to your employer’s HR department? It wasn’t “unsolicited” was it? You’ve really just painted yourself in a nasty, vicious light. Not a good look.

He offered to pay for her underwear...you do realise OF is an anonymised, distanced service? So even IF you can't grasp the idea of a lighthearted hypothetical conversation with no real meaning...she most definitely wasn't asking her colleague to make a sexual request.

This is so basic ...one a group discussion.. the other a colleague asking to pay a colleague to do sex work for him...and contacting her outside and privately to do so ...not out in the open at ALL

But we (rightly) see older men as a threat to young girls. Stop infantalising grown women.

The OP had a very inappropriate conversation in front of a younger colleague. Turn the tables on that and see if you think she has a case with HR.

Just imagine a load of drunk older men talking about their soiled undies in front of a young woman on a work night out.

I'd just sell my knickers to him tbh

I wouldn't report. I'd make it clear the conversation was shut down. And I wouldn't engage in future conversations with colleagues about where I drew the line on personally engaging in sex work.

If he tried to take the conversation any further, I'd report, but would have to acknowledge my own role in inappropriate conversations which would be uncomfortable for all involved.

Again, not saying the message was appropriate. Again, don't agree with your take on him being a sexual predator. Why can't you grasp that people have a different opinion to you?

That is not the reason 'real victims' whoever they are... don't report

"He took it too far" minimising narratives are why women have no confidence in the structures supposed to assist them as this thread proves

If a woman is adjacent to anything sexual / wears the wrong thing / in a place deemed inappropriate. ...."she deserves it / wanted it"

The man is misunderstood, young , a son , silly...but must not be asked to be a decent adult

Imagine if it was men talking about Only Fans and a woman overhearing.
I can hear the shit hitting the fan frome here
I can smell it too

That’s a rather odd and inappropriate conversation to be having with work colleagues in the first place isn’t it? If you report it with that context, it doesn’t put you in a great light. Ugh.

“Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.”
Thats the context if HR got involved.
Can of worms.
Tell him to behave himself
Ignore

It was a one off. You were talking about onlyfans. He had an idea that he shouldn’t have asked you about.
leave it. don’t risk him loosing his job (or just an embarrassing telling off and souring all future interactions between him/you) over one stupid ill advised mistake. I’d reply and say that you will report if he says anything like that again but will in this instance forgive and forget.

Personally no, I wouldn’t report. The whole conversation was not a great idea anyway. He was out of order, but would I want him to get into trouble at work? No, but at the same time, maybe they wouldn’t be involved anyway given you had this conversation anyway, not like he contacted you out of the blue and asked if you sell used underwear. Sounds like he has got the message you’re not interested.

Did you miss this from the original post:

There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money.

He was offering exactly what OP agreed she would do. Nothing tacit about it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

There is a pervasive power differential. It isn't apples to apples. Women have (and do), of course, harass men. I don't generally see men a a threat to women and I don't think it is infantilizing women to acknowledge OP 's boundaries were being tested and that she was rightly offended and should report the incident as should any person in a similar situation.

It's embarrassing that so many women chime on about the importance of reporting sexual harassment everytime it happens if we want to stomp out the behaviour. Yet the second a 'poor innocent little early 20s man' sends a sexually harassive text, it's totally fine! If you're young and hot it's ok to harass women. Cool!

If a disciplinary were to be held he would obviously quote the night out conversations in an attempt to mitigate his behaviour.It may not be documented but will every other colleague say it didn't happen.

You use the word "documented" twice in your last post. You sound absolutely terrifying.

What could he report about you based on that drunken conversation?