To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

This is why you don’t have drunken inappropriate conversations. Be more professional.

So you and your colleagues are happy to lie about the context of his message?

He was completely out of order for sending that to you and you’re right to report it but you have to own the fact that the whole conversation was absolutely inappropriate especially for senior leadership.

You also reveal a lot about your character when you talk about ‘only fans slappers’. Gross.

It was the fact that the conversation occurred a week earlier.
You must tell the full story including who else was there and what was said by everyone.
There was no harm in the conversation about a hypothetical situation.

The HR issue, is that your colleague crossed a line by direct messaging you well after while away on vacation.
As a senior in your company you should not have convos like that with your subordinates.
Not because what has happened was your fault, because the 22 year old could have message anyone, but because you need to maintain a certain distance and level of professionalism. You also need a refresher on workplace conduct and a reminder that under the law drinks with colleagues is an extension of the workplace - they're not your mates.

So when HR ask him and he explains the context about you discussing selling your underwear are you going to lie? His message actually backs up that you’d previously discussed it. “If you were serious “.

he may well twist it, say you approached him and he feels harassed by you his more senior colleague.

You sound a nasty piece of work. Lying to get what you want. You behaved really inappropriately with a junior colleague and are now trying to stir up trouble. I hope they listen to his side of the story and this backfires on you.

Thanks to all those who’ve replied, it has given me the confidence to formally report what was a completely unsolicited, inappropriate approach.

I hope you haven’t already discussed selling your underwear to whoever you report it to.

Are you going to omit the conversation about Only fans?

it was at a different time in mixed company

if you have been intimate with a man does than mean he has to go ahead to touch you intimately again just because he once did

no

are men allowed to do as they pleased because once a woman did x,y or z

Oh for goodness sake, the two things aren't comparable.

No-one is saying that the colleague was "allowed" to send the text, or that it was ok, but the fact that OP had discussed selling her dirty pants on Only Fans with the junior colleague is clearly relevant.

But it's relevant to the complaint! They had the conversation in company, then a week later he sent a wholly inappropriate and unsolicited message. To not mention it would be disingenuous.

Of course what he did was wrong and that conversation didn’t give him permission to do that. But, that doesn’t mean it’s ok to lie and not disclose the context and origin of the conversation.

If the OP is asked about the earlier conversation and denies it happened then she’s in the wrong. It would be better to accept it happened but make it clear that didn’t invite this behaviour from him. Not to do so could cause question over her credibility and account of what happened.

No it is not

the conversation happened in a group setting and was silly talk over drinks

many things are said at these times (have been on enough drunken work nights out to know this)

a colleague contacting you after (and sometime after) late at night making a request and suggesting it’s their secret is not on

better his behaviour is dealt with now

This. And stop getting drunk at work nights out if you can’t trust yourself to behave professionally.

I agree that it is not on. But it is clearly relevant!

So you think OP is right to make a complaint about the text but doesn't need to mention the conversation in the pub that triggered him sending it?

I think as a senior member of staff you need to take a look at your own behaviour in this.

So you said you would consider selling underwear and then get on your high horse when somebody enquires further about this?

Perhaps if you don't want to be treated like an only fans slapper it might be an idea not to behave like an only fans slapper.

I want to know why she is following junior male members of staff on social media.

Is it all young male staff you follow on socials? Or is it just the ones you’ve discussed selling your used thongs with that can contact you?

I won’t tell you whether to report him or not but it is worth keeping in mind that the reason people are supposed to report such things, is that perhaps it didn’t bother you, but his next inappropriate action may greatly bother someone else. And they might be the kind of person who wouldn’t report it, and he’d continue to do it.

It’s about breaking the cycle of having such behaviour in the workplace and perpetuating the idea that people shouldn’t speak up, which is how we end up with toxic work environments.

You may not want to report him anyway, and I’m sure many wouldn’t (I’m not sure whether I would) but I spent many years writing policies on such things for big corporations, for this very reason.

if you are going to report him I assume you are ready with an explanation as to why as a senior you were joining in a conversation about OF and how much of your clothing you would sell ? HR will find out about this and be very interested. While his message to you was inappropriate the idea was seeded by the conversation you were freely taking part in - not sure how this will ultimately play out for your reputation at work as the full background will come out.

Wouldn't it be funny if someone from HR is reading this hahahaha

Drunkenly discussing what you would or would not do on a porn site with colleagues is what blurred the lines.

The junior member of staff could have seen this as flirtatious or suggestive behaviour.

He then followed it up with a message saying if she was being serious, he’d be up for it.

No one is coming out of this scenario smelling of roses.

Let’s face it if a senior male colleague talked to junior female colleagues about this topic they’d be in trouble. I think the junior colleague has every right to make a complaint of sexual harassment against the OP

What triggered him sending it was him thinking it was fine to send such an explicit text

he made a choice to be inappropriate

what happened before is irrelevant

ahhh I get it. This is a wind up 😂 orrrrr you are a massive dick