To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

@nomas - fair enough but there was still a back story which is relevant. This request was inappropriate but it didn’t come out of nowhere. If OP decides to report it, she should provide that context.

So although you participated in a conversation about selling underwear, you’d miss that part out and report him for sending you a message and frame it as being totally out of the blue.
Bit of a snake aren’t you?

Depends ..... How much was he willing to pay?

This, I mean OP was widely unprofessional alongside the other colleagues- this could have been reported too.

In which case you would be lying, which tells us more about you than about the guy. The fact he doesnt have the covnersation in writing doesnt mean that he could not use this as evidence especially as more people took part in it.

Have you read the full thread? Maybe do before commenting, as that wasn't what the lie was regarding.

I'm not trying to scare anyone out of reporting anything, I'm pointing out, as have a great many others on this thread, that OP actually also did something that is at best inappropriate and at worst could be considered harassment. Any manager or HR department worth their salt would find out about that conversation in about two seconds flat. So if she wants her own professional conduct looking into, then she can go ahead. But it's reasonable to point out that both her conversation and subsequent omission of it (as she intends to do) don't paint her in a great light.

Inappropriate according to the majority of people who have voted YABU, and therefore likely to also be inappropriate to anyone hearing a disciplinary and knowing the full context of the situation.

We've only got OP's word for how the conversation in the pub went though. The fact she's planning to lie to HR and avoid all mention of it, to make it sound like his text came out of the blue with zero context, makes it sound like it was nearer the knuckle that she will admit.

His approach was inappropriate but what she's planning is appalling. When women lie, it impacts other women coming forward.

Yes she wants to make what is effectively a false allegation against this man. as she doesn’t just want to complain he sent the text, she wants to lie and provide false information thay he unprompted asked to pay for sexual favours.

How on earth she things anyone will believe her that she never said she wished to sell her underwear when the text reads as “if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret” , clearly indicating a discussion took place and she says there were several of them there. So witnesses. The fact it wasn’t “documented” is utterly irrelevant. She’d have to go round them all and ask them to lie for her so she could make her false allegation.

i honestly can’t get my head round why anyone would be so utterly spiteful and vindictive.

women making false allegations brings us all into disrepute and casts doubts on the real victims. And the op has shown how blithely she wished to do such a thing,

I think given you willingly joined in a conversation about it on a night out and presumably joked about selling your underwear, AND the fact he has apologised, I’d ignore it and block him but not report.

You were comfortable with the sexual conversation, not victim blaming but you should have shut it down otherwise some men will take it as face value.
I would be mortified to even consider bringing this to HR.
You need clean hands in the matter.

But did you say you'd be happy to do any of those things for money? I think the OP saying it was ok makes a big difference.

There is also the age issue, op says he's younger, is he also junior to her. Could also be relevant. Let's say op is a 40 year old man, the young man is now a woman in early 20s. That doesn't look great with older person having the inappropriate conversation.

And you think it would be fine for OP and her colleagues to talk about how far they’d go on Onlyfans and selling their underwear in front of a colleague if that colleague were a 60 year old male? 🤷‍♀️

HR can do something about this, even if done on a personal phone and out of office hours. (Just as also could with OP’s OnlyFans underwear group chat). I mean, something doesn’t have to take place e on work premises or during work hours and on office equipment for HR to take action

@shuggles isn’t making stuff up - there’s a depressing slew of case law on this very topic

on reflection, maybe OP should report. HR can then look also to close down inappropriate OnlyFans and u detest talk and try to inculcate a more professional workforce generally. A learning exercise for all concerned

Discussing sex lives/topics could be considered sexual harassment itself as per most SH training

So a few drinks in a boozer with people who happen to be workmates constitutes an activity in the workplace and is in working hours? Absolute arrant nonsense.

Nope. It’s called context.

Agree with this. This sort of thing is why you end up with employers banning work dos, which is miserable. Get him face to face or on Teams, look him straight in the eye and say “NEVER do that again to anyone, you could get yourself fired. You’re lucky I won’t take this further.” Give him a lesson he won’t forget.

And he’d be right to give her one and say don’t tell your colleagues you want to sell your used underwear.

I wouldnt report it but i would draw a line in the sand that shows it wont be taken as a joke in future.

"I did not appreciate your message. Please delete my number and do not send any future non work related messages to me in any format. Once is a mistake any further interaction will be reported to HR."

Then i would leave it at that. Keep a copy of his message and yours and get on with your life. If it is sincerely a prank gone wrong then i would hate to ruin someones life/career over it. But he needs a jolly good lesson on whats acceptable

1. ‘Underwear’, not ‘clothes’
2. AFAIK, the market tends to be for women’s used underwear rather than men’s used boxer shorts - but happy to be corrected