To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

Agreed. No one is baying for this man to lose his job, but in light of UK stats below, reporting such harasssment helps as it reduces escalation of the behaviour.

“Over 50% of women in the UK have experienced sexual harassment at work, with studies suggesting up to 40-50% face some form of workplace harassment during their career. Despite this, up to 75% of women do not report these incidents to their employers, with many citing fear of retaliation, lack of faith in reporting procedures, or normalization of the behavior”

You participated in a totally inappropriate conversation with work colleagues which demonstrates a lack of maturity and professionalism. The HR department would probably think as little of you as of him. If you want their vicarious liability to be applied to him be prepared for it to be applied to you too. I would also be careful as it shows very poor judgement on your part and these things are remembered.

Hang on… OP’s not the one messaging him out of the blue a week after the event asking to buy his underwear and saying it will be our secret.

I think scaring OP that HR will look down on her is a bit 1950s.

"He probably wouldn't have thought about it at all if he hadn't heard her discussing it!"

The OP is not responsible for the actions of her colleague.
The OP did not invite the colleague to message her.

Your personal situation is not the same at all. Although, the guy was definitely a creep.

The OP's situation involves work colleagues at a social gathering the law considers an extension of the workplace. The employer now has a duty to investigate it and decide if the sender and message broke their code of conduct and violated the law.
Any resulting punishment for the 22 year old would be his own fault. I'd also expect all persons at that gathering would be reminded of respectful workplace conduct.

@Mumtobabyhavoc Yes and in that case then she shouldn't have been having inappropriate conversations with work colleagues!

Doubtful.

This.

Inappropriate according to....? 🙄
It seems the conversation involved several people and all thought it lighthearted. The only one who took it seriously was the 22 year old who seems to want to buy OP's knickers secretly....
Again, I ask: did he proposition everyone else in the group? Men and women? Did he ask each to keep it a secret?

Oh, that's low. You wouldn't "need to relay this detail" but I expect the young man and all others present at the drunken conversation could relay it, in any case.

Alright cool. You crack on advising strangers to play fast and loose with their job security then.

OP’s job would not be at risk, that is catastrophising.

The man gets a slap on the wrist and thinks before he does it again.

FWIW I'm also curious about the OP's particular phrasing. Too bad she seems to have abandoned the thread. For all WE know the scenario could be false.
Interesting discussion, though!

You don't know what the outcome would be, for the OP or for the man. Unless you work there and you know them both?

I do know that at my workplace, they'd both be investigated.

Equally you don’t know there would be an investigation as you state.

At my (big) workplace, OP would be asked what she wants the outcome to be, she may suggest he gets a warning, and HR would assess whether a warning is necessary and check if any other complaints have been made about him.

HR would investigate regardless of the ‘desired’ outcome by the complainant. The size of the organisation is irrelevant.

Both being investigated isn't bad. HR would interview everyone who had been at the gathering.

Maybe not, but you did tell many colleagues that you’d be willing to sell your worn underwear 🤷‍♀️

Scaring people from reporting isn't helpful to anyone. Filing a report isn't "playing fast and loose" fgs. 🤦‍♀️

On Only Fans. And hypothetically, as did everyone else at the table.

Is there a reason why you ignore that the men and women all said they would sell their clothes?

The hyperfocus on a woman is bizarre.

HR also use their discretion. If an employee (and her manager if informed) wants him to just get a warning, that can happen, as long as he hasn’t done the same to other women. Referring to the size of the organisation is to show that it’s not a small business without an HR team.

The PP asked if she’d never said anything a bit over the top when drunk.

OP said no, blah blah blah

I’m just pointing out that saying you’d sell your dirty underwear to get a bit of OF work was probably a bit over the top for work colleague chat.

It was an unsolicited message. How is that a lie?

It would be truly shitty to report him for his message without the context which is that you and other colleagues engaged in drunken chat about selling underwear on OnlyFans. This message may have been unsolicited but there is a relevant backstory. It sounds to me like everyone crossed a line, a seed was planted and this young guy took it a bit further, probably out of inexperience rather than anything more. The fairer and more honest thing would be to make clear to him privately that his message was unacceptable and, as others have said, not have drunken chats with colleagues about OnlyFans.

So naive and inexperienced yet he had the foresight to ask OP to keep it as our secret. Not buying it. He’s a grown man, not a teen.