To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

No, not in the workplace or in working hours - it can be considered an extension of the workplace. Easily researchable.

But then how is discussing OF acceptable (and selling pants)? If someone reported that, OP would be in trouble.

It's not. That's what I'm saying 🤣

No I wouldn’t report , you participated in the drunken conversation to start with , he misguidedly messaged you then apologized .

It might well constitute that, and I realise I have to accept it, but it's still nonsense, isn't it?

Well if it's nonsense then it's also nonsense to report him for a message sent on a personal phone outside work hours, isn't it?

Why not? You are not giving the backstory. His remark wasn't out of the blue was it, he could have heard that you were quite "up for" selling your used underwear. He has been silly carrying it on, but it isn't an out of the blue comment. Maybe don't get involved in sexual conversations with work conversations if you cannot deal with the consequences. If he carries it on, then yes, I would report him.

Yes, I agree.

OP said ‘Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing’

It’s the perv who messaged asking to buy her ‘underwear’.

You may infer that all the colleagues were talking about underwear, but I’m just quoting the OP.

I have admittedly never been on it but I don't think people sell old parkas on OnlyFans 🤣

He was stupid to say that, has apologised - and it could well have been a friend who did it. People sometimes behave out of character after drinking and no doubt he wishes it hadn't happened.

As long as he doesn't do it again, let it go.

If you said you would sell your worn underwear on Onlyfans, then him offering to pay for it , you wearing it then splitting the profit, could be viewed as a business opportunity rather than any type of sexual harassment

Report it.

We really need to stop ignoring/enabling men's dodgy behaviour.

I am really shocked at how many people are suggesting the OP shoukd just keep quiet.

Fun fact, adults can have adult conversations, even when it's about sex/nudity/etc! This 20 something is not a child, he is a man. They were all engaged in a conversation during a night out - which is normal. What isn't normal is to act on what was said in the joking, hypothetical situation, weeks later, when not in that conversation anymore, and only targeting one female colleague in particular.

It's not that hard to comprehend.

I think more people are objecting to OP's plan to report him to HR while lying about the fact they had a prior sexualised conversation about OF. She wants to make it sound like his text came out of nowhere.

Thanks to all those who’ve replied, it has given me the confidence to formally report what was a completely unsolicited, inappropriate approach. As a friend put it to me, how dare he treat me like some sort of onlyfans slapper. I am a senior colleague, and deserve respect.

Why the hell are you having conversations about joining Onlyfans with your work colleagues??

Don't you have a line that you draw between work and home? These are the conversations you have with friends, not whoever joined your work night out.

Edited to add: Your last post mentioned that you were senior. You should know better as a senior member of staff.

I wouldn’t report him unless you truly believe he is predatory, rather than pissed up or making a clumsy advance.

Good God. You had a dodgy conversation, he continued it. You concluded it. End of.

Is this real?

I couldn't imagine talking to junior colleagues about what I would be prepared to do on Only Fans. The lines sound very blurred. HR will also be interested to know about the conversation.

Plus he apologised. Again, unless you really think he’s a predator, I wouldn’t report.

My goodness op, I’ve just seen that you’re planning on reporting without actually relaying the context of how this came about. Holy shit, that is rough. At least if you are going to report it, be 100% honest about all of what happened.

Well if you want to be treated with respect maybe saying you would sell clothing on only fans isn't the best way to earn that respect

Agree. There's a certain South Park meme that comes to mind 🤣

As a friend put it to me, how dare he treat me like some sort of onlyfans slapper. I am a senior colleague, and deserve respect.

What?? One way to earn respect from junior team members is to not discuss your willingness to sell your dirty knickers on OF.

As you are senior to him, the best thing you can do to get respect is to pull rank, take him to one side and tell him that his message to you is completely inappropriate and any such messages going forward will not be tolerated. Tell him that you regret discussing the topic over after work drinks, but that does not give him the right to message you unsolicited.

Own your authority but also acknowledge that such a conversation between work colleagues was not appropriate.

By going to HR over this without giving them the full picture, you’ll look pretty discredited when they speak to him about it and he says “oh, but she said she was going to sell her knickers on OF as a side hustle, if you don’t believe me ask x, y, z”