To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

If OP reports it and neglects the first part of the conversation I doubt it will do her any favours. It could possibly backfire spectacularly if it is revealed that lies were told . Not a good move imho

The bar seems set for young lads to be demonised over a stupid text.

I’d report him. He’s a pervert and other women he works with should be warned.

So he felt so sexually harassed by this group of men and women talking about selling their clothes that he texted OP the weekend after offering to buy her knickers? Sure, that adds up.

I know, right? They're so disadvantaged. Can't women take a joke?

🙄

I didn't say anything about what he felt. An investigation would deal in the facts: did it happen? (Yes.) Did it constitute harassment? (Possibly.)

Again, the question was should she report it. I think everyone has said his question was inappropriate.

His text came a week after the conversation, which makes his action even more lurid.

Who remembers the days when folk could crack a slightly saucy joke, everyone would have a good laugh and forget about it. No wonder everyone looks so miserable.
Probably frightened to say anything at all lest someone is offended, reports you, and bang goes your job, your home and your life.
Best to keep your head down and your gob shut nowadays

How much did he offer? I need a side hassle, I am skint.

Your post said ‘but the fact is that it's possible someone else (whether the man in question or someone else) could claim she sexually harassed them first.’

Yes... if she reports it, someone else could claim she harassed them (via the conversation).

I don't know what isn't clear.

But that’s the point, he didn’t forget about it. He brought it up a week later, just to OP, so it must have felt shitty to receive that text.

But, that's exactly what happened. A group of adults had a jokey chat over drinks a week ago. No problem.

The issue is the pervy colleague who decided to try one on with OP well after the joke ended. He messaged her privately. A week later. That's completely different than the scenario you describe.

I think you’re reaching. His message is in black and white on her phone.

Well if you were all involved in the frivolous conversation initially you need to grow up.
Don't look even more ridiculous by reporting him.
Block. Simple. Finished.

Which actually makes it illegal. ✔️
-unwanted
-disrespected

The law says it doesn't matter if the sender intended to make the recipient feel disrespected, either.

I take your point, but the OP was luridly joking about selling her worn undies in the first place, don't forget.

Yes she must, by the very fact she discussed it in front of him. Doesn't matter how long he thought about it before messaging her. He probably wouldn't have thought about it at all if he hadn't heard her discussing it! She and the others that were there encouraged it by their inappropriate conversation. There's no way I'd have that conversation with my mates if there was a male there I didn't know well.
And to report him in that instance is absolutely ridiculous. It's also bad form to consider not telling the full story to HR. But then we know why that is don't we?!

I've actually been in this position, not deliberately like this, but a man I knew very well, overheard a passing comment I made to a friend. (I didn't realise he was there at the time). He rang the day after, (as I knew him, he had my number, I had his) and he rang me with a quite revolting propostion.
I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested, he apologised and that was the end of it. No need for it to go any further if you nip it in the bud straight off. And then be aware of what you're discussing and in front of who.

Again, how has a group of men and women jokingly talking about selling their clothes become in your mind OP drunkenly and luridly teasing a young naive man about flogging her undies?

Reaching how? How exactly do you think reporting would play out?

If OP reports it, there will be an investigation and they'll ask for evidence. They'll read the part of the message that says "if you were serious" and they'll ask what it means. They'll ask the man in question and he'll explain the context. He'll tell them who else was there, to corroborate his story. It's possible that the man could claim, or others could claim, or HR could consider, that the OP's behaviour constituted harassment, again depending on what was said.

What part of that is a reach?

Tell him clearly it’s a no and block him on social media.

Neither of you come out of this bathed in glory and it is quite frankly a waste of company time to involve HR in this. You had a drunken inappropriate conversation. Have an adult conversation and move on.

It doesn’t work like that though. A text like that without any previous texting between the two can look like harassment.

He is unlikely to lose his job, but he may be given a warning.

The text happened a week after the drinks, and with no other messages between the two.

HR will likely give him a warning.

Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

So why did the 22 year old message OP a week after the conversation? Did he message everyone else, men and women? Did he equally ask them if it could be "our secret".
Really, how you see OP as harassing the lad is ludicrous.

I have no idea why, and I did not say OP is harassing this man. I said it's possible he, or someone else, could claim harassment due to the sexual conversation in a work situation, if she reports this incident.