To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

Really, is one stupid text followed by an apology harassment now? Harassment means when somebody repeatedly behaves in a way that makes you feel distressed or threatened.

This.
Evenings out with colleagues are not the time/place to be having drunken conversations about sexual topics of any kind. The more experienced colleagues really should set an example of how to socialise and remain professional, or how will younger staff know what is appropriate?

Having read your last message on how you would frame it, I think that is unfair given the context. This is not out of the blue, it was a conversation you had and he was carrying that on and pushing his luck. He then did send another message apologising, I would prob reply saying it was inappropriate and set your stall, if it were to continue I would then take it further.

So YOU said you might sell your underwear and now he’s taken it too far (like you did) so he is in trouble? I would report you to HR first tbh….. or maybe don’t be so silly to talk about stuff like this next time.

I'd report. Why would you have to feel weird/awkward around this dude now at work or work nights out because he can't stop himself or his mate from harassing a colleague.

I doubt my own statement now that I'd report. I thought you'd sell "clothes" but a detail was left out that you'd sell underwear. While still creepy and weird, I'd probably let him know not to message again or you'll report.

You received one message from a young lad who'd been part of the inappropriate conversation you were participating in.
He has not sexually harassed you, he asked a question, albeit also inappropriate, which stemmed from what you were discussing. You encouraged that I'm afraid. What sort of person discusses this kind of stuff in front of men anyway, unless they want to titillate?! Which it seems from the content of the conversation, you all did.
You've had an apology, leave it at that and move on. People making him out to be a sexual predator on the basis of this post is ridiculous.
If he was persistent in messaging about this, then that is a problem obviously. But he hasn't, it sounds like he's embarrassed and has probably learnt his lesson.
Maybe be a bit more wary of what you're discussing with who and where in future?
And you potentially lying about what happened to HR, is quite frankly despicable.

I'd leave it for now, and report him if he does anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable.

In his defence, you had literally been talking about how you would sell underwear, so it's not as though it came out of the blue.

And perhaps advise OP not to announce that she would sell her keks on Only fans then act all coy and offended when someone offers to buy them 🤣

Id screenshot it. Then block him.

It was obvz him, his friend wouldnt know about the OF chat. But if he was drunk and silly and its a one-off id move on.

Anything happens again id report him, with receipts

Get a grip! Laugh it off, it's really not a big deal he said sorry.

So a woman cannot discuss sex in a social group environment. And when she, for example says, I would have sex with an older guy....it's not creepy if an older guy who was part of the conversation messages her offering sex?

There was a thread a few weeks ago and one woman said "this is why I don't have banter with men anymore". I didn't really get what she meant....this thread sums it up.

Here I am, a man, saying he's out of order, and here are lots of women defending him.
Because she was having a light-hearted conversation about only fans

So if he'd raped her, would it be her fault for wearing a short skirt. Women can talk about sex without being propositioned

So I work with you and out of the blue I walk up to you and ask to buy your pants... that's ok is it?

I've never drunkenly joked with a junior colleague, or any colleague for that matter about what I would or wouldn't do on Onlyfans 🤷‍♀️
Means that I've never declared that selling used underwear online was an acceptable way of making money.

If that drunken, oh so funny (🙄) conversation wasn't enough, your stating that you wouldn't mention that part to HR says more about you than you realise. You do know that everyone would be dragged into this, right? Are you sure they would lie for you/back you up OP?

You should absolutely speak with your colleague and note this, along with keeping the text, but running to HR because he took you up on something you seemed to think was fine when drunk on a works night, would not be my first step

So a group of men and women reach a joking consensus that selling clothing would be a good way to make money, but you somehow turn this into OP being the instigator of selling her knickers? She never even said underwear so why would you go there? Sounds like victim blaming.

He crossed a line and hopefully feels embarrassed. I wouldn’t report. You started a conversation that was a little risky and lines got blurred.
Absolutely tell him not to do it again though and that should be enough of a life lesson for him.
Unless you’re vulnerable however and don’t feel comfortable having that conversation, in which case it may need to be taken to HR.

See I’m on the fence if you were all discussing it rather than someone messaging you asking about it out of the blue. I think I’d chalk it up to experience to not have those types of discussions with work colleagues

Wow so you would totally dismiss the part where you and colleagues has s conversation about the very thing you feel you need to report to hr?
What happens if you report to hr they rightly investigate and he explains rhe context, being thw conversation about it? Would you lie or admit that took place?

@Colleagueissue26 op, ill tip my hat your quite the Machiavellian, and yes omg. that said regardless of the original conversation the text was out of order.

So you would outright lie to your employer and HR dept??

The only reason you'd do that is because you know you own behaviour was poor and potentially deemed as sexually harassing. And you think he is the bad person?

Remember there are other witnesses

No, of course not, but that's not what happened with the OP, now, is it, so why are you making stuff up? She had a drunken, lurid conversation in front of the young lad about flogging her undies on Only Fans. He stupidly, and naively, thought he'd ask to buy some, and she rebuked him. He apologised. It hardly makes him Peter Sutcliffe, does it?

@NotAnotherScarf

That's the bar, is it? 🤦‍♀️

OP must've been pretty good at planting the seed if a young buck of 22 thought about her for a week while on vacation before he just had to know if she'd make good on that alcohol-fuelled musing with a group of colleagues. 🙄

The question was should she report it.

We don't know exactly what she said in this "light-hearted" conversation (about selling used underwear, in a work situation!), but the fact is that it's possible someone else (whether the man in question or someone else) could claim she sexually harassed them first.

Your comparison with rape and wearing a short skirt is ridiculous.

Again, how has a group of men and women jokingly talking about selling their clothes become in your mind OP drunkenly and luridly teasing a young naive man about flogging her undies?

He didn’t even text OP that weekend, he texted the next weekend, so he had days to think about what he is doing.

A lot of victim blaming here.