To report colleague who offered to buy my underwear

[Colleagueissue26]

NC for obvious reasons!

Work night out the weekend before last. There was a drunken/joking conversation between several of us about onlyfans. Consensus that no one would go the full way on there but selling clothing would be an acceptable way to make money. All lighthearted discussion of course.

One of the (male) colleagues involved in the discussion was on holiday last week.

At the weekend, I received a late night DM on social media from him along the lines of ‘if you were being serious about selling your underwear, I don’t mind paying. Our secret’

I ignored it. The next morning, he messaged to apologise and said his friend stole his phone and sent it as a dare.

I don’t believe him for a second.

Would you report to HR? He is younger, early 20’s.

I'm surprised most of them seem to be defending him because he is young.

Do they not know how these old men perverts get to be that way?? The answer may surprise you!

Yes, it is creepy, many men are, so why get into inappropriate conversations with them in the first place.

My issue is that OP intends to be dishonest about it. She says she's going to report to HR that he sent an unsolicited message but will deliberately withhold the context of the OnlyFans convo, making it sound like he just messaged her a pervy message out of the blue. His behaviour wasn't appropriate but what she plans to do isn't fair. That's why I don't think she should report, if that's what she's going to do.

You don't know this about him, HR are the very people she should tell tbh. It sounds to me like he was testing her boundaries and you have no idea how many women he's tried it with. If they all keep quiet he'll keep getting away with it. I've seen this play out more times than I'd like to have done.

My concern is the length of time between the initial conversation and the message - if it was the same night and he was drunk you could write if off as immaturity. BUT this is a week or two later - he has been thinking about it all this time - even if he is right and it was one of his mates, he has been talking about it with his friends in enough detail that they knew who to message - not sure I would report to HR but I would have no involvement with him outside of work, and only what I can't get out of in work

He apologised, You don't know for sure his mate didn't send it. Block him. Don't ruin a young man's life.

It's the word "kept" that makes that different from this situation.

Was it a work phone?
Was it in work hours?

HR cannot do shit about this.

I agree with this. Actions have consequences. He’s not blameless, but his query wasn’t apropos of nothing was it.

This
Let it go

It was a work night out, which is generally considered an extension of the workplace environment.

It sounds like you haven't been in the workforce for very long if you haven't heard of at least one case of a man getting into trouble with HR for making unwanted advances on a coworker during a work night out.

Why

Its inappropriate it was not in the group chat at the time

If he had pestered OP about selling him her used knickers despite being told to knock it off, then I would definitely report him to HR is justified. He asked once, fairly politely, was told no, and apologised. Was he wrong to ask? Yes. But completely out order, does he deserve to lose his job and be branded a pervert for the rest of his life? I would say not.

I’d report it to HR. They may just warn him. Let them do their job. It may help someone else should he be a sex pest.

Oh well, as long as he asked for his female colleague’s knickers politely.

This is victim blaming though. He sent the text a week later, not on the night out. So drunkenness is not an excuse.

Really? Generally considered by whom, you on this thread at 21:35 hrs on Tuesday 5th of May 2026? Stop making stuff up, ffs....😆

Are you taking the piss? I can’t help but think you haven’t thought this through. You want to lie to your employer and pretend you didn’t joke about selling your underwear? Are you thinking you’ll show them that text, tell them it came completely out of the blue with no previous discussions and that will be that? He says very clearly ‘If you were being serious…’. That’s not an out of the blue text. There was very clearly a conversation that led up to that, and you’d have to be a little bit thick to think otherwise, or to think anyone with two brain cells to rub together would believe you, or wouldn’t question it.

Apart from that, don’t you think that when they’re suspending him and warning him to expect his P45, he might mention exactly whatever it was you said that inspired him to offer to buy your used underwear? You don’t think he would mention the names of your other colleagues who were there? Do you think your other colleagues would be equally as willing to lie to their employer and pretend you didn’t joke about it, just to back you up? Do you think they’d be willing to lie to an employment tribunal if it got that far?

He absolutely shouldn’t have text you. There’s no question about that. Put the fear of God into him by all means. But you fucked up massively by having a discussion with an 22 year old and opening that door. How do you think reporting him and lying (either by omission or by telling your employers that the text came from nowhere) will work out for you?

Let it go.

OP, this is nothing. You are not traumatised, just vengeful. You did not come with clean hands and it will come out if HR investigates. I hope you don't get embarassed but that is the least of it.

so it makes a difference how polite he is

great as long as men remain polite and are apologetic they can harass and be inappropriate

got it

This!
id say if you don’t tell HR then I will
put the ball in his court
sleazebag

OP, I see you are now going to lie to HR and ruin a young man's career.

There is a place in hell for people like you.

But that conversation provides context for his message and if you reported it to HR they would investigate and find out about the only fans conversation.

There would be an investigation. It would all come out and there'd be no winners here. Do you really want to discuss with HR that you discussed only fans with colleagues???

@Colleagueissue26 as someone who got sexually harassed by a man who I assume started like this report him. Don’t let them think they can get away with it. Be a Karen, be a bitch. Whatever. They all start with an inappropriate comment at 20.. you’re not ruining his life.