AIBU to wonder why we say we’re fine when we’re not?

[ImGonnaKeepOnDancing]

When people ask if we’re okay, why do we just automatically say “yeah I’m good” even when we’re not?

I’m sat in a coffee shop and realised I do it all the time. For some context I’m having a really shitty day because it’s the anniversary of my DM death and I’m feeling really sad but when I was greeted by the barista (that I see regularly and chat with) she asked how I was and I just automatically said “I’m okay, how are you?”

Now I’m sat drinking my coffee and wondering why we do it? Out of politeness? Not wanting to be a burden? Not wanting to seem self centred?

Id love to hear your thoughts and whether I’d actually be unreasonable to just say how I feel next time I’m asked?

YABU - They don’t really want to know so just say you’re fine

YANBU - Say how you feel.

A barista is not your friend. We all have our own problems some worse than others. Only close friends or family should care but even most don't.

”How are you” is often just a greeting - not a question. I wouldn’t want to spray my stress or health worries about anyway.

Depends who you’re taking to. You can’t really start offloading your woes onto the barista can you? They’re there to serve coffee not provide emotional support.

Same with colleagues etc. It’s a form of greeting not a genuine enquiry.

Ha, when my adhd is, I won't say bad, maybe uncooperative, no-one gets an answer of "I'm fine".

Life is easier if you externalise but pick the times it's appropriate.

What would be the benefit of telling a stranger? They will make the right sympathetic noises and that will be that, leaving both of you feeling uncomfortable and not gaining anything from the interaction. I’d hate it if I worked in a coffee shop and someone randomly started unburdening themselves onto me just because I asked if they were having a good day! Close friends/family are the ones for that, it’s not fair to unload on others who are just doing their job and being polite

The question the barista asked wasn't actually asking how you are, it's just a greeting - the modern equivalent of two people being introduced 100 years ago and saying "how do you do" to each other. If you had answered literally, it would have made both of you awkward as you don't know each other well enough to share personal stuff.

I'm sorry about your DMum and I hope having a nice coffee reminded you of lovely times with her

1. Because it's the wrong time/place/person for us to bare our soul (a barista is not the right person with whom to discuss a bereavement).
2. Because we want to protect ourselves from further distress.
3. Because we have to get on with our day..... kind of "fake it till you make it" (and it does work).
4. Because we want to preserve our own right to privacy.

And no doubt a few other reasons that I've forgotten.... there's a lot to be said for a stiff upper lip, even though it's no longer fashionable.

It doesn't mean how are you, it means hello, I acknowledge you are another human in a shared space.

You need to get support before you feel this need to reach out to everyone- it's a signal that your needs are too big for your current containment strategy. That's not a bad thing, needs are gonna need.... but you can take it as a sign to seek out more support.

Sorry for your loss x

As someone who’s not from Britain, I struggled with this at first. Took a while to learn that “how are you” didn’t actually mean that.

It’s not used as a greeting to strangers in my native languages and country. If someone asks you how you are, it’s because they’re happy to hear your response. “Not doing so well” is a perfectly normal answer, and one I’ve used in the UK sometimes (to the perplexity of the other person 🤣).

Because we recognise on a social level it’s a greeting not an actual question.

Look at how awkward it is when someone actually tells you how they are following the question. It’s because you know they’ve broken the social rule.

ooh also wirh a batista there is a power imbalance. You can say "actually I'm having a rough day" and because they are at work they have to make sympathy noises. But they are not at liberty to say "I'm having a crap time too, my pay isn't enough and my back really aches" as that is not part of their professional role.

So it is kind of unfair and exploitative to require emotional labour from the barista simply because they are there working to serve your coffee. They can't ask for the same from you.

You might argue it's actually incumbent on customers to be particularly pleasant and not emotionally loaded when they come into a shop, and to hide their sad or angry feelings MORE, as the person working there has no ability to exit.

Exactly. It’s phatic communication. You responded appropriately. You would, I assume, respond differently if asked by a close friend or family member in private or in a situation where you have the time and inclination to be honest, or in therapy.

I’m autistic and this is one of the reasons that I hate meaningless small talk. It is so shallow and insincere.

I’m not saying I would tell my problems to someone I didn’t know but I think if friends ask how you are, they should be prepared to hear an answer that might not be ‘yes’. Otherwise you’re not much of a friend.

I think it depends who you're talking to. Family or friends, sure answer how you are. But barista at the coffee shop, always "yeah fine thanks" it's just not the right relationship for it.

But why not then just say ‘hello’? Or ‘hi there, good to see you’.

We need to stop using 'how are you' as a greeting because it's excruciating to go through the ritual when you're not.

Even more so when you do 'how are you' 'fine thanks, and you' and they reply back 'good thanks' or whatever. Takes too long and is ridiculous when you're not actually asking people how they are, aren't interested in the answer and no-one is allowed to say anything except fine anyway. What's wrong with hello?

Exactly. I hate it when a colleague and especially my line manager says it, because I want to say 'are you just saying hello or are you actually asking how I am' (lots of issues and stress in the workplace, that they're mostly trying to address, but will take time). I don't want to start a big unload when she's just saying hello in passing.

"How are you" doesn't mean an earnest enquiry about how you are, it means "can we proceed with (whatever it is we are here for)?"

If they want to know how you really are they say "how are you doing, really? I've been worried about you"

"Fine"/"Ok" in resp does not mean that everything is satisfactory. It means "I am not planning to trigger a conversation about hiw things are in my personal life, let's get on with (whatever it is we are here for)"

because we dint want to bore people and nobody is that interested anyway.

If they say it at the water cooler you say fine thanks.
If they say it in a catch up meeting or 121 you tell them what's up.

I read somewhere that ‘how are you’ is a terrible conversation opener as it can be too difficult a question to answer sometimes (ie when grieving or having a bad day). But I’m in the habit of saying it, and ‘hello’ on its own never seems enough! I have a slight social anxiety when I bump into a neighbour or start a teams call with a colleague and nearly always blurt ‘hello, how are you?’.

But it feels acceptable and most people usually manage to say ‘fine’ or turn the conversation to something else.

But I do wish I could think of better conversation openers for those small interactions with people.

Going into detail about how we're really feeling can be quite a bit of emotional labour in itself. If I don't want to take the time to go into the nitty-gritty of what's going on in my life, I'd probably say "I'm fine" because it's quicker and easier for me.

We have this conversation with our teen, who's autistic and not up for even the tiniest white lie.

If you don't want to say you're fine, find a third way. Maybe reply "how are you?" or "all right?" as a question not an answer. It was a revelation to me when I realised "all right?", which is a common greeting round here, is like "how do you do?" - you can just say the same back, you don't have to answer.

Or if not some light comment like "hanging in there", "it's one of those days" with a bit of a smile or just stating a fact like saying the day of the week "it's Monday" (people will fill in the meaning of any day of the week) or the weather "it's raining"/”bit damp"/"the sun is shining", or that yo uarr looking forward to the coffee they are making. Or you may feel "not so bad" or "not too bad" is acceptable as long as you've still got a roof over your head and food to eat.

I know I've written a lot here but basically pick a phrase that is more acceptable to you and will "pass" and use it on repeat.

Because everyone is aware that it’s just phatic communication, and that most of the time it’s just a greeting, not an invitation to share your bunion pain or house renovation woes with the guy behind the counter at Costa.

But not everyone is. And it’s a fake way of communicating. Just say what you mean.