AIBU to wonder why we say we’re fine when we’re not?

[ImGonnaKeepOnDancing]

When people ask if we’re okay, why do we just automatically say “yeah I’m good” even when we’re not?

I’m sat in a coffee shop and realised I do it all the time. For some context I’m having a really shitty day because it’s the anniversary of my DM death and I’m feeling really sad but when I was greeted by the barista (that I see regularly and chat with) she asked how I was and I just automatically said “I’m okay, how are you?”

Now I’m sat drinking my coffee and wondering why we do it? Out of politeness? Not wanting to be a burden? Not wanting to seem self centred?

Id love to hear your thoughts and whether I’d actually be unreasonable to just say how I feel next time I’m asked?

YABU - They don’t really want to know so just say you’re fine

YANBU - Say how you feel.

I work with international students and we teach them that “Hi how are you” is really just another way of saying hello. It’s a quirk of British culture for sure.

Imagine if every customer told the barista their true feeling - there would be a massive queue and she would be left feeling very overwhelmed.

it is fine to tell our friends how we feel in an appropriate environment ie you met for coffee, not just passing and they seem in a rush. Not while they are at work etc.

I say I'm Fine if I'm talking to someone who I don't want to explain why I'm not fine to. If it's someone I don't mind talking to, they get the truth.

My mum died a year ago today too, and I've spent the day trying to keep busy and telling people I'm fine. I'm not fine.

Big hugs to you, I get it. It's hard

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The barista is in effect just saying Hello. If you think of'Fine thanks' meaning Hello , it might feel easier. Sorry you are so sad. X

In England if everybody went about saying what they really mean the country would collapse in chaos.

I have ASD and can find things like this confusing. Not how are you as I heard it a lot growing up. It think I heard it as a phrase “howareyou” so would seem odd to answer in a negative way. But I do then struggle with people that I know and whether this is a genuine question asking about my wellbeing or is it just hello?

I like Mandarin for this - there are two expressions Ni Hao (literally you good) which is the answer is “ni hao”
or hao (good)

Then there is Ni Hao ma? The ma signals a question and genuine interest.
(for any Mandarin speakers, can’t do tones on my keyboard)

It’s only a real question when you know the person and they emphasise the ARE.

It’s very rude to burden anyone other than your nearest and dearest with your problems.

Thanks lovely. Thinking of you and your mum. I hope you can have a decent birthday somehow x

Shit! Outed!

Because on the whole, people don’t really want to hear about other people’s woes and troubles. Unless it’s a close family member or friend that is.

Most people would find it awkward if their colleague started talking about their relationship problems, family issues or money worries. If giving a negative response it’s usually acceptable to say if you have a cold, headache, short term illness etc, but nothing too heavy. It’s an unwritten social rule.

I agree with this.
There is a lot people on mums-net who have no interest in anyone outside their circle.
Some of the best staff go the extra mile for their customers.
Do not ask someone how are they unless you want to hear the answer. There is nothing wrong with saying, ““hello, what is your order?”.
As OP is a regular customer it may have been a genuine question.

I am dealing with very painful matters in my life but I never disclose them to anyone other than very close friends.
It's simply inappropriate Imo.
Similarly, I don't like it when you are asked if you want had a nice Christmas.
What are you supposed to say if you haven't???
Christmas can be very difficult for many but we paint a smile on our faces and get through it.
People don't want to know about our personal woes. Not good to over share.

Because ultimately no one really cares just a polite greeting.

Of course we all understand that it’s a convention, but why has it become “the” convention? What does it say about UK in 2026 that we no longer say, for example, “good day” when we meet, or even “hello”. Why have we developed this faux interest ?

What is phatic communication?

I think that if you don't know the barista, then there's no need to say anything other than 'fine', but I think there's a tendency on Mumsnet to exaggerate how you must never tell anyone except your closest friends and family about things- admittedly, a death is difficult to work into conversation (and I'm sorry to hear about that, OP). Otherwise, if you see the person fairly frequently, even if they are not a close friend, it's ok to extend out the conversation. The people in my local shop often moan about their bad backs, or about the weather or ask after one of my family. I might throw in something 'extra' as well, I like to chat a bit, and this is one of those openings you can either close down immediately with 'fine' or you can say a little if it seems more appropriate.

It is very context-dependent though, if you see a colleague who you haven't seen for ages, and said how are you, it would be fine for them to reply with some honesty and sometimes I've had quite touching conversations with people. I might also say 'a bit stressed' and then we moan about stress.

There are middle-ways between one word and entire life disclosure in reply to this question.

@bonden as PPs have mentioned the "how do you do?" convention is much older, probably older than "hello" as a greeting. I don't know what they said before that. Well met? How dost thou? My brain's serving me up "how now?" but maybe I am thinking of brown cows.

Surely older English is full of polite convention. "Fetch the cane, Smithers, if you please" from a teacher is an iron clad demand, not an invitation. "I beg your pardon" could be used to call out someone else's rudeness or to indicate you didn't catch what they said, rather than actually asking to be pardoned. My grandmother was taught you could never ask for something to be passed to you at the table. Instead you had to offer to pass something and hope that your neighbour took the hint and offered to pass the thing you wanted in return. Bonkers. But our generation didn't invent "not saying what you mean". Far from it.

I think people need to be very mindful of the establishment their in though. I work in a supermarket we have half the staff we did 10 years ago and triple the workload as lovely as it would be to have a chat with the customers there just isn't the time and I would imagine a coffee shop is similar

Yanbu. I won't ask it.
I hate having to lie when people ask me how I am. "Trying not to cry and overwhelmed with stress" isn't what they want to hear.

Because the vast majority of people give no shits whether you’re fine or not.

I remember a book describing being in a prison hospital in the 1950s, and the doctor, nurse and matron would ask "are you all right?" as a matter of routine. The correct replies were always "yes thank you, doctor", "yes thank you, nurse", and "yes thank you, madam", even though you might be dying on your feet. Indeed, it was so automatic that prisoners would sometimes reply "yes thank you" before the question had even been asked.

As for today, if I'm not feeling so good, I sometimes reply "I'm surviving".

When I asked a 90-year-old gentleman at church how he was, as you do, his reply was "never ask an old person how they are".

So if people are asked and people want honestly then what

How are you
Great i had a good shag last night, terrible my haemorrhoids are playing up, I got a new job, I had a car accident

What do you want people to say after these? How long would the interaction be to fit the criteria?

First off, sorry to hear that you were feeling blue @ImGonnaKeepOnDancing . I hope you have lots of lovely memories of your DM to treasure. It sounds as though you might have liked someone to talk to about your DM yesterday.

My answer to your question is that you have to gauge the intent of the person you are speaking to. Is someone genuinely asking how you are or are they just extending a greeting to you? If you think that the person asking "how are you?" is genuinely interested in your well-being and would potentially want to hear the real answer, then you could answer honestly. Otherwise, they are just extending a greeting.