AIBU to wonder why we say we’re fine when we’re not?

[ImGonnaKeepOnDancing]

When people ask if we’re okay, why do we just automatically say “yeah I’m good” even when we’re not?

I’m sat in a coffee shop and realised I do it all the time. For some context I’m having a really shitty day because it’s the anniversary of my DM death and I’m feeling really sad but when I was greeted by the barista (that I see regularly and chat with) she asked how I was and I just automatically said “I’m okay, how are you?”

Now I’m sat drinking my coffee and wondering why we do it? Out of politeness? Not wanting to be a burden? Not wanting to seem self centred?

Id love to hear your thoughts and whether I’d actually be unreasonable to just say how I feel next time I’m asked?

YABU - They don’t really want to know so just say you’re fine

YANBU - Say how you feel.

And you don’t have to say I’m fine. You can say things like ‘well I’ve had better days’ or similar. Said in a breezy way with a bit of a smile gets your message across without burdening a total stranger with all your problems.

Because trauma dumping on a stranger doing their job isn’t ok.

Everyone with basic social skills knows that when the guy making your cappuccino says it, it's a phatic greeting that doesn't require a reply that details your exact mental and physical state. When your best friend, GP, therapist etc says it, that is different.

Most people don't need the difference explained to them.

For me, it falls into two categories. 1 I don't know person well and it's none of their business how I actually am. 2. People who I do know well enough but will actually only add their own layer of drama to an already difficult time. So yes, I'm fine usually covers it.

As long as English is your first language and/or you're aware of the illogical ways of communicating in this country and there's no neurodiversity.

That excludes quite a lot of people. Is it too much to ask for people to say what they mean and mean what they say?

It's very strange that someone would be adverse to acknowledging that, "How are you," is just a greeting rather than a question that requires a truthful, play by play of our day or lives.

The phrase is so commonly used that I am surprised that anyone genuinely misunderstands the intent and usage.

I'm not understanding how it's any more complicated, false or neutral to, "Hope you're well," or "Alright?"

I thought I stumbled into MN Pedants Corner.

I do it because I don’t want to tell other people all my worries. They’re not a therapist and it would be inappropriate to lay your feelings at the feet of a barista. They asked as part of a social contract to be polite not because they want to hear

It’s not illogical. It’s a high context culture… do we really have to change our very way of living, interacting and speaking to be accommodating to everyone?

The person asking is often not looking for information, just being polite. If you launched into a catalogue of problems they would usually not be the slightest bit interested and would be thinking I've got my own problems don't dump on me.

It's just a greeting and absolutely nobody wants to know that actual answer.
Hi, how are you, fine thanks, you? yeah good, and on with whatever it was that actually needs discussing.

We’ve been communicating this way for decades. Other countries also do this it’s not just a UK thing. The vast majority of people understand the unwritten social rules about asking/answering. I’m autistic myself and understand the “rules” perfectly. (Before anyone starts, I’m not saying that every single autistic/ND person will get it. Just that it’s not a fact that every autistic/ND person can’t understand things like that.)

Every country has odd ways of doing some things that only seem odd to those not living there. I remember being abroad once and it took me forever to get served in a shop because everyone just kept pushing in front of me. I didn’t get it!! I like a nice organised “British” queue. But they don’t do it like that. But I don’t expect them to start changing their social rules because I wasn’t from that country and am autistic. I just had to deal with how it was and adapt the best I could.

It depends who is asking, or if the person asking really wants to know or if they are just being polite. I would not be unburdening my load to an unsuspecting shop assistant.

It's about being social and friendly without conveying anything too real. In my role at work occasionally I am in this position, greeting people briefly. May seem pointless to some but I feel better if someone responds and asks me how I am than if they don't respond or just give a greeting. It's a feeling of being recognised as a human being with feelings for a few seconds. We are social animals!

Yes, that's ridiculous. I'm not from the UK and had to learn all kinds of unspoken cultural rules during the time I lived there. It's a fact of life. Not everyone speaks your 'language'.

But obviously, you keep reciting your ailments in response, if you prefer.

If they say are you alright you look a bit off or something they are interested, it will be much more pointed if they are actually worried about you and want you to talk to them about it. Of course that has it's own pitfalls if the person really doesn't want to talk or is holding it together by a thread and bursts into tears.

I expect there would be all sorts of cultural rules and odd use of language to navigate in your country too.

It would make conversation very dull, no room for irony, satire or double entendre pretty much no humorous content.

And you have to tell everyone the absolute whole truth, 'Look at my new curtains', with a smile ' Yes. I noticed them they are hideous'. 'Isn't my little boy such a sweet angel', 'Well no he's a little brat'. Life would definitely be interesting.

I think it’s the ask twice rule of thumb isn’t it. If someone asks you how you are, you say you’re fine and then they ask again, THEN it’s ok to be truthful and have a more open discussion IF you want to. I also think of someone comes up to you and says something like “you look a little sad, are you ok? Can I help?” It would be ok to ask for something you need (eg I think I need to sit down, could you help me find a seat?) but probably not trauma dump on them. And obviously if it’s a friend asking you, then it’s ok to be honest!

I’m awaiting ADHD/ASD diagnosis and lying isn’t something that comes easily to me. So if I get asked, I do what someone up thread suggested and say something like “I’ve had better days” or “no worse than usual” etc. So I can answer honestly but not dump my emotional load onto the poor sod just wanting to serve me. I try to smile at the same time as I find they presume it’s a joke answer then.

I know. It wasn’t until recently I learnt that youre supposed to say yes fine , not actually say anything else!! To me that seems a completely pointless conversation. How are you ? Fine. Yes you? fine. Why bother?!

Lots of people ask me how I am. Not many get a real answer.
I feel lucky that there are about 10 people in my life who I feel comfortable answering truthfully. Even with those people, I may or may not have the desire or the bandwidth for an actual conversation but I feel pretty blessed that my life includes people I can talk to and who know they can talk to me.

I'm autistic and I hate this. I just say "yes" to them which causes no end of confusion 😄

I particularly dislike it on radio news broadcasts when they welcome a guest and the guest says "hello, how are you?" and the interviewer reacts with "good, thanks". Just say "good morning/afternoon/evening" and get on with the interview ffs.

It's pointless fluff.

Im old and my generation were brought up not to make a fuss and to "just get on with it" unless it was a real life or death emergency. We didnt talk about our problems with people like the barista because its none of their business. I would never discuss my business with the postman or the Tesco delivery guy. They have their day to get on with and I have mine. If I had a problem I would b more likely to discuss my optons with an AI and get a factual answer presented in a dispassionate way. People will tend to tell you what they think you want to hear.

Because the barista is doing her job and has other people to serve and things to clean. She does not expect you to unburden yourself of all your problems onto her and she doesn't have time to listen to anyone's life story.

YWNBU to disclose all this to a friend who asks how you when you both have time to talk.

Really sorry for your loss OP.

I can understand what all the other responses are saying but I'm with you. In those moments I tend to lean more towards truth, but without trying to burden someone. So for example with the barista I might say 'ah today's not the best, but soon there will be coffee' or something like that. Wouldn't launch into a deep and meaningful with someone just trying to do their job, but also I don't tend to say 'fine thanks' if I'm not fine.

Trust me I work with the general public i always say hi you ok but I have zero interest in your problems save them for a therapist, drs, friends or family. I have enough of my own problems