AIBU to wonder why we say we’re fine when we’re not?

[ImGonnaKeepOnDancing]

When people ask if we’re okay, why do we just automatically say “yeah I’m good” even when we’re not?

I’m sat in a coffee shop and realised I do it all the time. For some context I’m having a really shitty day because it’s the anniversary of my DM death and I’m feeling really sad but when I was greeted by the barista (that I see regularly and chat with) she asked how I was and I just automatically said “I’m okay, how are you?”

Now I’m sat drinking my coffee and wondering why we do it? Out of politeness? Not wanting to be a burden? Not wanting to seem self centred?

Id love to hear your thoughts and whether I’d actually be unreasonable to just say how I feel next time I’m asked?

YABU - They don’t really want to know so just say you’re fine

YANBU - Say how you feel.

Conversational etiquette and norms aren't supposed to be taken totally literally. It's a way of smoothing the greeting a bit so we come over a bit friendlier and open the floor a bit. It's not usually literally a request to know the ins and outs, it's just what we say to be polite.

Conversational norms like this are why people thank AI chatbots without thinking.

I'm sorry about your mum.

I think it’s just a polite thing. I mean the barista will say that hundreds of times and will get back hundreds of fine, good, great thanks how are you ? They don’t care about your life story or you just say fine get your coffee and call someone who cares.

Its the same when someone says "Have a great weekend" which is just another symbolic way to acknowledge a parting. It brings the exchange to a close. They dont care about my weekend any more than I care about theirs

In the past we said "How do you do" for formal introductions and the correct reply was the same. You were not really enquiring about someone's health or expecting to hear about it. These formalities have been succeeded by hi, hello and how are you, They are merely polite ways of acknowledging another person and the beginning of an exchange.

I think on hard days it hits differently and you see how empty small talk is. I’m WFH this morning and I started miscarrying yesterday. I’ve had about 20 colleagues ask how my long weekend was and the temptation to go ‘well I started it pregnant and finished it not’ is overwhelming. Obviously I have just said ‘fine’ but when it’s a hard day it makes you realise how shallow it is and how lots of people don’t really care, even if they’re going through the motions.

I’m sure on a non-hard day I wouldn’t think anything of it.

if anyone asks me how I am I just say I’m surviving thanks.

@Thowaway I'm sorry you are going through that. And I'm aware anything I write on this topic, of all, will sound shallow and trite.

However, just because people are going through a social convention doesn't mean none of them care how you are actually feeling. It's just that it's a moment you pass through. I hope you have people you can have real conversations with if you want to. They just don't tend to happen with the barista, or as you're kicking off a meeting at work.

You're right, of course. Thank you for the wise words - I'm just having a grumpy day for obvious reasons.

Sorry OP for the hijack and thinking of you x

Most people don’t really want to k own if you are not fine

Because most people don’t really care … even some friends I’ve come to realise sadly.

Fair weather friends as my dear old mum used to say

I really hate this automatic "how are you" from strangers that I choose to engage with, but what i really really hate are the (mercifully rare) cold callers/charity workers/election candidates who knock on my door and their opening gambit is "How are you today?"

You don't know me from Adam, you are not my friend, and any miniscule hope you might have had of engaging with me has just evaporated to zero.

I think you’ve summed it up perfectly. I’ve noticed it more today because I’ve felt so fragile and to quote another poster “like I am hanging on by a thread”

FWIW the barista I spoke to is a genuinely lovely lady and we’ve had many chats over the years I’ve been visiting her shop and she’s been happy to offload about shitty weekend, etc & vice versa but clearly I need therapy (which is actually where I was going after I got my coffee)

I think I feel extra fragile because tomorrow is my birthday so I dread it since my mum passed away.

Im a lot. I know that.

Im so sorry you’re going through a MC. I hope you’re being kind to yourself. It’s a really shitty thing to happen - speaking from experience. Hugs to you.

Sometimes it is nice to be honest, it is not going to take a chunk out of anyone’s day to share condolences and pleasantries.
I have never felt irritated by someone admitting they’re not having a great day.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I miss my mam terribly too, it’s physically painful sometimes.

Everyone has problems i serve 100s of customers a day if they all told me their problems I would have no time to do anything else.

I would have thought it’s fairly clear - when people ask after someone, they don’t want a list of shit that is happening in their life.

Asking ‘how you doing’ is quite common in a lot of areas but it’s one of those phrases that is meaningless

Because you might not want to open up to the person asking at that time

Can’t believe you even have to ask this.

"How are you?" Is a form of greeting, not a question you are expected to answer honestly.

The correct response is always "Fine, thank you", even if you've just found out you only have days left to live.

Yeah, that’s quite common. A sort of “not really but never mind” response. Saves you from being forced to say everything’s fine but also lets the other person know they are off the hook re asking for the gory details.

Because it’s a pleasantry. No one gives a shit whether you’re fine or not, it’s passing the time of day. No one asks wanting someone to offload their problems, and most people being asked don’t want to do that anyway.

It’s just pleasant, cheery small talk of the kind that seems to be looked down on these days, for some bizarre reason.

No one likes a moaner
Or an oversharer

"How are you?" Would be quite an intrusive question from a stranger if you were meant to answer honestly.

So don't bloody say it then. Just say hello, nice weather today or something equally meaningless rather than something that's going to cause all sorts of torment for the people who are not OK.

We're forever told not to make assumptions when you see a child eating junk food or staring at a screen in a restaurant so why not, when people say that they don't like this greeting, take it at face value and have some empathy for the people who are not bloody fine and don't want to go through the motions of saying that they are when they're not and are expected to say that they are.

Its a greeting not a genuine enquiry into your well being. They aren't actually asking you and they dont actually want to know. They want the standard reply to the greeting so that the exchange has been completed.

You reply fine, how are you because thats the standard response.

Kind of like when you sneeze and someone says bless you.

A script.

Its different to a friend or family member actually wanting to know if you're ok.