I’m not happy in life

[alspancakeworld]

AIBU to not understand how people can just go about their lives mostly unaffected by everything going on in the world? My friend says I’m taking on other people’s pain as my own but how can you seriously not? People are starving, people are being bombed, there are homeless people on every corner, women are oppressed, beaten, raped. I’m not taking it on as some sort of martyr - I genuinely don’t understand how people can put it out of their minds. Whenever I am with friends having a drink or go somewhere nice I’m thinking to myself “what right do I have to pretend that stuff isn’t happening and just enjoy myself?”

The news is so depressing but I refuse to not take it in to satiate my own peace of mind.

But your performative pain is of no use to anyone at risk, in danger, poor, distressed, in war etc. Do something about it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, fundraise for MSF, train as a Samaritan, lobby politicians for change — otherwise you might just as well be bopping about mindlessly.

It won't help anyone if you're miserable. You have agency in your life. Make a positive change somewhere AND learn to enjoy yourself. Otherwise life is pointless.

Ooof yeah I could've written this! I think having OCD doesn't help. But yeah I stand by it, how can anyone be fine with the way the world is...and it's not something you can turn on and off if you're affected more than others either. You just have to avoid basically all news.

Well, one factor you have to take in is that the 'News' is served up in a particular way. Firstly, there's overkill on it. Like the internet, it's swings and roundabouts. One the one hand, you may not be shocked at stuff that might go on in your personal experience - due to knowledge of events on the news. But the sheer scale of the amount of news is beyond anything the normal human brain can assimilate, so you are simply not being fair on yourself by exposing yourself to all this, it isn't normal.

I mean, in the 15th century, what 'news' would you get? You'd be stuck in a village all your life and never go further afield. Okay, so you would die in your 40s if you even got that far, and of Black Death but... Ditto for many actually even 100 years ago, not that much news, and without TV it would be on the basis of making the effort to read a paper.

The other thing is, the 24 rolling news cycle tries to make it like the hit parade of decades ago, with a big kerfuffle and 'straight in at no 8 this week' or 'now for some breaking news' - it aims to raise your dopamine levels and stress levels too.

Finally one common denominator of all this news is that mostly you and I can do very little about any of it, we have no sense of agency - so of course the overall feeling is that of despair and being out of control, hardly a nice way to think. It breeds anxiety, almost like those Times supplements that bang on each and very week about health tips and stuff, it's too much, also book reviews where you feel you ought to read the suggestions but never get to it.

I know if I didn't watch the News it wouldn't make any difference to the outcome of events, but I don't feel that, it's like the fan watching a football match, he kids himself his tension affects the result. It also really is a form of entertainment but not a healthy one.

For some reason I can't get on X/Twitter on my computer of late and feel happier for it - but does that mean I am being selfish and blind for not keeping in with it?

What is performative about it?

I do plenty to help in my community as much as I am able. I am a huge advocate for conflicts and oppressed groups. That isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t stop children being bombed or women being raped and I believe it’s inherently wrong to ignore for my own happiness.

You’re missing the point though. Why do I get a right to be happy just because things aren’t happening to me? That’s what whole towns in the 1940s did when they knew what was going on. Would you say the same to them back if you went back in time?

She’s on the internet telling us that she can’t go out with her friends without thinking she has no right to be happy when there’s suffering in the world.

I’d say that was the definition of performative suffering.

You aren’t able to stop children being bombed anyway, unless you’re brokering peace in the ME. There is suffering you can help alleviate. Focus on that.

It’s ok to “not understand” when others experience life differently to how you do.

You don’t need to understand that difference.

You can only live within your own feelings and experiences and manage your life accordingly.

Well you can of course choose to be unhappy because other people are suffering.

I would ask though: what purpose do you think that serves? Do you think walking around feeling completely miserable helps any of those people?

I get what the OP is saying - but for their mental health, they may as well cease and desist if they feel they can't alter it. Otherwise it's one more sin - being unhappy when you have the choice not to be.

I mean, let's put it another way - how about I inform you about another load of terrible things going on in the world right now, which you don't know about? Then you have even more reason to be unhappy. So do you want to hear about them? Yes or no? Working back from that, maybe ration the amount of news you imbibe each day or weak, or maybe read a catch-up newspaper at the end of the week so it doesn't have the same effect as daily stuff.

It's called vicarious trauma.

Quite seriously, you need to put yourself on a news diet or your mental health is going to go down the drain. Change what you can change - write to your MP, go on marches, volunteer, make a difference however small.

You don't have to ignore it, you need to deal with it in a balanced way. Not easy, for sure, especially when so many bad things seem to be happening at the moment.
It's lovely to be empathetic and I wish there were more like you, I daresay if there were we'd not have so many bad things happening in the first place.

But as harsh as it is, you need to find a way of accepting you cannot change things, esp on your own, these things are bigger than you. Great you've joined groups but you still need to accept that most things will occur regardless and accept that it's also ok to go out and have a drink with friends. It's called living and being grateful that you're able too. After all, you being miserable at home and not living your own life along side achieves what?

I think that some CBT, talking therapy or even some self help books might help you hear.

The things you talk about are mostly out of your control, you can’t individually do much to change that, its great that you have that empathy but you have to be able to separate it in your mind. When you go out with your friends you should be able to feel gratitude/that you are lucky to be able to do that. It is a problem if you can’t do that.

Kindly, when you start thinking like this, its a huge indicator of depression

Awful things is the way of the world and has been since the dawn of time. You need to work out how to exist in this world without letting its awfulness define your life 🥺 xx

@mumofoneAloneandwell there might be something to that (an indicator of depression) but do you not think it sounds mad to just accept that the world is full of terrible things!

Dubbo what else can be done

You can do your bit to help where you can - but the world isn't going to change 😔

Realistically you can’t change things. Especially if you’re not in government or have any kind of celeb voice.

Stop watching the news for a bit and focus on your own life.

If i go to a dinner with mates and don’t seem miserable because of wars etc, it’s because i have enough shit to deal with in my own life and would like a nice dinner and chat as a break for my own mental health.

People work and have costs and kids and health matters to worry about. Which is enough.

Also, it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy your life. No one is going to give you a medal for all this consideration and worrying. You only get one life, so do your best to enjoy it.

I get you, I feel pain too. However, you can't let it take over your life. What good is that going to do?
Turn off the news, do things for you whilst simultaneously doing things to try and help others to make a difference.
Volunteer at a local shop, a soup kitchen, donate occasionally to the food bank.,..

You can either sit and make a big show of how distressed you are by others' situations or you can do something about it.

Either get promoted, do a "big job" that earns lots and pays lots of tax into the NHS, or fund raise for cancer research or set up a youth club in your nearest under-priviledged estate or take a year out and volunteer for Oxfam.

Just telling everyone how distressed and horrified you are, is no flippin' use to anyone. You're just making noise.

Being cheerful while you do something useful will help most of all.

OP @alspancakeworld Can you let us know the time when there was nothing horrible going on involving other people in the world and people would've therefore been given permission by you to be happy with their everyday lives?

Yes, what's going on in the world is depressing. I agree.

Think to yourself. You can't have many worries in the life you're living in the here and now. Not if you're worrying so much about all what's going on elsewhere.

A lot of us haven't the emotional space to spend so much energy on other things that are so far outside of our control, we have our own issues. We can still let off steam and go out socialising and enjoy things. But it doesn't mean we don't care about what else is going on in the world.

You have no right to be happy at all. Move to a place where you're continually oppressed so you feel solidarity with your peers.