I’m not happy in life

[alspancakeworld]

AIBU to not understand how people can just go about their lives mostly unaffected by everything going on in the world? My friend says I’m taking on other people’s pain as my own but how can you seriously not? People are starving, people are being bombed, there are homeless people on every corner, women are oppressed, beaten, raped. I’m not taking it on as some sort of martyr - I genuinely don’t understand how people can put it out of their minds. Whenever I am with friends having a drink or go somewhere nice I’m thinking to myself “what right do I have to pretend that stuff isn’t happening and just enjoy myself?”

The news is so depressing but I refuse to not take it in to satiate my own peace of mind.

OP remember that if you keep yourself mentally healthy you will have more capacity to help those around you. You need to find some balance and I don't think it's unusual to have periods where you are overwhelmed with how awful things are or particular things that upset you but it's not healthy to live like that constantly. Taking on unnecessary suffering won't make things better for anyone.

It is performative, regardless of whether her audience is anonymous or not. And her reference to what her friend says about her ‘taking on other people’s pain’ suggests she’s doing it in RL too. And, more importantly, it’s pointless self-torment unless she channels it into action.

The world has been full of terrible things since the year dot. The Middle East is never not in conflict. As bad as the world is I made the decision a couple of year’s ago to stop watching or reading the news. I was in danger of going down a similar route as OP, as I was very affected by the awful things that go on. I made the decision one day when, after a news break, i decided to open an online news site and the first thing that greeted me was horrific. I closed the site and decided there and then never to look at the news again. Things can trickle down to me via a headline at the supermarket but I don't read it. I can’t change any of the things that were causing me distress so for my own sanity I stopped reading it.

You must know that this is an unhelpful mindset for you or for anyone else. Try to fix it, or continue to bathe in your misery.
You will lose friends if you can’t get some perspective here.

Our capacity to gain knowledge has long since exceeded our capacity to influence change. We’re able to know more now than we ever could, and yet there’s not a huge amount we can do to impact it. Yes, we can use our words and our money to influence change, but both of those things are finite. We can choose our language carefully. We can challenge stereotypes. We can’t use our votes. But war and famine? I struggle to see how even collectively we can shift the balance away from where the £££££££ and the power lie. And for this reason, I do limit how much of the news I choose to absorb. Privileged? Yes. But martyrdom is futile

Is your friend hinting that you're getting too hard for her to be around?

You aren't solving the problems. You acknowledge it makes you unhappy. Are you passing that on?

This is lovely, thank you

Don’t watch or read news. You can guarantee that at any one time, bad things are happening. But you can also guarantee that lots of good things are happening too. Be part of the good things. So do nice things for your immediate neighbourhood, make people happy in the ways that are within your own power. Be the change you want, in small ways. It’s not big and glamorous, but you will never run out of things to improve. Weed a friend’s garden, make some food for a busy new parent, let another child come and play with yours, volunteer for a local charity, and most of all, be kind to yourself.

I used to be very much like you, it caused anxiety and for me not to be present in my life. I stopped consuming so much news, I'm still aware of what's happening in the news and I can rationalise it now, over consumption of bad news does this to you.

You can't control what is happening in the news/world - bad stuff happens, and all we can do is try and make a small bit of difference where we can. Like a pp said, community work, advocating for women's rights. You cannot take the weight of the world, it isn't sustainable or healthy. Be grateful you aren't significantly impacted by that and use your privilege for good.

It sounds like you're making a choice to read the news, not try to change your thinking, not challenge your negative thoughts etc etc. And that's okay if it's what you want. There's no law that says happiness is everyone's goal.

I can identify with your way of thinking as I get like that when my depression is bad. The world is shit, how can i be happy when there is child abuse, animal abuse, the world is so unfair etc. Could depression maybe be a factor? when im happy i dont want to ignore everything but I want to work on my happiness and my own tiny part of the world because its all I have control over.

Because you live in a community and a society. If you are miserable and carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, how does that allow other people around you to enjoy their lives? And if no one enjoys their life, what impetus is there to fight for those things we love and enjoy?

We need hope to make change for the better, and if everyone feels completely ground down and helpless in a world which is unceasingly grim and broken (hem hem this is why news and social media is the way it is hem hem), no one is able to come together, vote, dream bigger, stand up against powerful forces that would control our lives and make them worse. We need to be able to feel joy so we can hope for better.

Wallowing in misery might feel morally less repugnant, but it doesn't actually improve anything. Throughout history, even in the most grim situations, people tried to find pleasure - singing, laughing, sharing meals. Who are we, in our extremely privileged lives, to shrug off the joys they may have longed for, just because there still exists suffering in the world?

Don’t read/watch/listen to the news

Because your nervous system cannot handle the world's pain. You can acknowledge it, cry etc which is healthy but you have no way to do anything about it and you're not meant to. You must focus on what you can do, for yourself, family, friends and community.

I find this topic interesting, and slightly odd. I've seen it on MN before. People get really quite angry with OPs for being distressed or worried about world events. "You can't do anything about it so no point worrying" isn't what you'd say to someone who has learned a friend or family member is ill. And people seem to. be allowed to be sad about specific news events - a murder (especially of children), a celeb dying. But in relation to anything big and/or far away, it's like a mantra. It's almost like people are angry at the OP for being sad and anxious about world events because they themselves are able to compartmentalise and don't like being reminded.

I don't know what the answer is OP. I try to remind myself progress isn't linear, we can still hope for a better world. And that people can and do thrive in difficult times. People fall in love, have children, produce great art, without necessarily denying the awful things going on around- can you channel some of your feelings into something creative?

OP I think you need to make the following changes to feel better:
Firstly, a news diet. Just stop reading or watching the news for a month or two. There is nothing you can do about it anyway. If it is making you unhappy, you owe it to yourself to stop.
Secondly, take a break from advocating for conflicts and oppressed groups. Seriously. You are focussing on issues you cannot affect. It makes you feel powerless. Give meetings or Facebook groups or whatever a miss for a few months.
Next, pick a local activity where you genuinely can achieve some immediate concrete benefit. A soup kitchen, a food bank, a homelessness centre… there are plenty about.
Finally, if you don’t already and are physically able to, get some regular exercise. A long walk is enough to start. Ideally in nature.

I think practising gratitude is one strong antidote to what you describe OP. You say you feel it is wrong to allow yourself to feel happiness in light of terrible things happening to other people. I think that is incorrect. If anything the fact that you are lucky enough not to experience it means you are duty bound to enjoy and celebrate the freedoms and choices that you do have. You need to change your internal framing of this. Find a way to hold two ideas at the same time: both that people suffer and that you can enjoy your life.

Well I suppose the reality is that if you can’t be happy, if you have tried, and you can’t then that’s kind of that.

But for what it’s worth I think you have it a bit wrong. There will always be suffering. And inequality. And injustice. It doesn’t mean, in my view that you should not seek and find joy where you can.

I have always been engaged in politics (national and international). I used to be an active member of the Labour Party, did a socially useful job and volunteered throughout my life from teenage years onwards (a few different roles, but the most long standing were adult literacy, visiting older isolated people, and then the Samaritans). I never felt that my volunteering made me a “good” person. And I didn’t think it cancelled out the suffering I encountered. But I did make a small difference to the lives of the people I encountered. Alongside my awareness of how much suffering there was, I was also able to take real joy in the life I had created with my husband and our 3 children. We had a blast. I don’t think that made me an uncaring person.

Then in October last year my darling oldest daughter died, entirely unexpectedly, aged 24. My daughter was one of the most joyful people I have ever known. She bubbled over with laughter and kindness. She was hugely empathetic but also really enjoyed life. I shall never get over the loss of her. It’s her birthday in 2 days. The despair I feel is absolute. But I’m glad I took the joy when I did. And despite my pain now, I do not begrudge others their happiness either. My close friends are moving on with their lives now, still supporting me, but taking joy where they can. I want that for them.

It sounds trite I know and I don’t mean to lecture you OP, but I would say just make the most of the life you have, enjoy things as much as you can. And it is possible to combine having fun with doing some good, bringing some comfort, adding some joy along the way. Making the most of the life you have does not, in my view, equate with not caring about others.

To be honest, I think there is probably something deeper mentally going on with you - and you are using world events to mask the real issue.

Of course it's normal to feel sad/sympathy for events like Couzens, Rudakubana, Israel/Palestine, Russia/Ukraine etc - but for it to affect your life in the way you describe isn't normal.

Please see your GP.

Yeah, this may be true. In my early 20s I took to reading about the Holocaust - well, it's a big subject, a worthy one. But, well, I came to see that really I was depressed and was using something like that to justify it, it wasn't quite as worthy an intent as I thought at the time. It was more a case of 'Well, of course I'm depressed, I've been reading about the Holocaust, what do you expect?'

Nobody is fine with the way the world is but other than making a difference to your own little corner of the world there really is not much else you can do. Not going out for lunch with friends is not going to change DV or stop conflict on the other side of the world. You may as well stay in the woods and wear a sack cloth.

I used to be like you when I was younger but now I am 60, I just put it out of my head because there is absolutely no point in worrying about something that I cannot change.

I will give to charity etc and that is my way of doing something.

You are zero help to anyone being maudlin over the state of the world. It’s always been dreadful and will remain dreadful. It’s fine to watch the news and think, that’s awful I’m glad I don’t live in XY or Z place but dwelling like that on stuff even when out with friends means something is amiss mentally. No one really has the right to anything all you can do is make the most of their own life. Or work for a charity or some sort of organisation that wants to alleviate suffering.

My MIL is like this but vocalises it, I think she wants people to think she is very nice and caring but her crying at the drop of a hat at every sad news story just makes me want to avoid her.

Agree with PPs - getting upset about things happening elsewhere in the world/not actually affecting you, to the point you can't feel any happiness yourself, is a huge indicator of depression.
I think part of it is the constant rolling 24/7 news - which is often sensationalised and clickbaity, designed to get your attention. People in past decades just didn't have all this constant information - and yet the world was arguably worse then than it is now (World Wars, Cold War, Cuban Crisis, famines etc) - the human brain was never designed to take on the woes of the whole world.
See your GP - and limit news/social media - it really isn't normal to be feeling like this.

When something absolutely hideous happened to me, OP, I ended up needing therapy for it. My psychologist told me that she needed to help me find a way to walk alongside the pain rather than tangled up in it.

It was a long journey, and it's still going on to some extent, but that is exactly what she did. She helped me to learn when I could and couldn't make a difference and to protect my well-being at the times I couldn't so that I was healthy and energised for the times I could.

Maybe it would help you to speak to someone like that and talk through your current feelings?

And Lady Macbeth, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

OP, the way you feel and experience life can be addressed in consideration of life’s deep philosophical questions about matters such as; good vs evil, human suffering, human consciousness, society, beauty, love etc, etc!

For some, religion can provide the answers and solace. For some not reading the news is enough.

Mindfulness, yoga, meditation, nature and great works of literature as well as composers such as Bach, Mozart, Mendelssohn, Elgar, actually do provide me with the solace I need to feel
joy, while also placing me mentally in the space of horrors of the human condition.

As PPs have asked are you able to access your inner creativity which could allow you to express and experience your pain in other ways.