I’m not happy in life

[alspancakeworld]

AIBU to not understand how people can just go about their lives mostly unaffected by everything going on in the world? My friend says I’m taking on other people’s pain as my own but how can you seriously not? People are starving, people are being bombed, there are homeless people on every corner, women are oppressed, beaten, raped. I’m not taking it on as some sort of martyr - I genuinely don’t understand how people can put it out of their minds. Whenever I am with friends having a drink or go somewhere nice I’m thinking to myself “what right do I have to pretend that stuff isn’t happening and just enjoy myself?”

The news is so depressing but I refuse to not take it in to satiate my own peace of mind.

People talk to their friends about things that are troubling them all the time. This is a normal function of a friendship. It’s not performative to share a feeling with a friend.

To be performative would be to show an insincere display of feelings designed to impress others or control others’ perception of you, rather than to reflect genuine internal thoughts.

‘Pointless self-torment’ does not equal performative, it just means emotions being channelled in an unhealthy way.

There is zero here to suggest OP is being performative, so let’s put that MN buzzword away here.

Well there must be small ways you can help people around you if you want to make a difference. Volunteering and so forth.

Stuff like wars in other countries you can’t really do much about.

Have to agree with those pointing out that you being miserable because of the news - and expecting other people to be miserable, too - isn't helping any of the victims of world events, in any way at all. You are in fact just pointlessly adding to the world's misery.

Me, I think myself fortunate that I live in a relatively peaceful, stable and prosperous corner of the globe. I pay enough attention to the news to get an idea of what's going on, but I don't wallow in tragedy and injustice that I can't do anything at all about.

Over-exposure to stressful and unhappy news stories can indeed create anxiety and depression amongst people who have no need to feel those responses to events that don't involve them. The idea that there's some kind of "virtue" in making yourself pointlessly unhappy in that way is just nonsense.

Sounds like you might be depressed? Maybe see GP?

This - it's very unlikely the real issue is about world events.

Do you read any philosophy? Many, many people have grappled with this before you. The Ancient Greek philosophers had loads to say about happiness. More recently Peter Singers ideas on “ethical action” might be interesting to you.

I’d recommend this book. It’s not directly about your questions but in exploring why people become burnt out it has a lot to say about living a good life, and is really well written and engaging: https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/exhausted-book-anna-katharina-schaffner-9781800816909?sku=GOR013591915&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19553277260&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIDb-QUX1Raxir6BMnHtXH7TR&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImPqxjuGhlAMVHYdQBh1I9jHFEAQYASABEgJ7kfD_BwE

Also many great thinkers have written about why people stood by as people suffered under the Nazi’s, and you might find that an interesting area to explore (assuming you haven’t already!).

Btw I also struggle with this. As a child the idea of homeless people on the streets used to keep me awake crying at night. I do tend towards depression. I don’t have a solution but just in case it’s useful, when I can feel myself panicking with difficult thoughts I say to myself things like: “I feel very sad that X,YZ” and I’m very specific with it. Such as “I feel real pain in my body because those children are suffering and I feel I am powerless”. Etc. I try to articulate and let the feeling live while sort of observing it, and fully accepting it. It’s a mindfulness technique and I find it helps a lot more than trying to push the anxious and sad feelings away.

Theres a very simple answer - dont consume the news in any manner.

I've known a number of people like this, who are constantly angry and upset about politics and world events over which they have no control, and who are convinced that this makes them somehow morally superior to those who try to live positive and creative lives.

They never ask themselves: what does my misery and anger achieve? If the answer was "nothing" it would be bad enough, but it's often a lot worse than that, because they do achieve something - with their obsessive projection of misery, conflict and anger, they make other people around them feel unhappy too.

In contrast, people with a positive and creative focus help infuse others with optimism and joie de vivre, far more useful if we want to make the world a better place in ways that we actually can.

Talking to your friend about it and saying that everyone else feels differently.
Do something useful and help someone OP or just keep quiet and stop bringing everyone else down for no reason at all.

Talking to your friend about something distressing you are experiencing is not performative. Nor is acknowledging you seem to be the odd one out.

Life is inherently unfair. No-one has a right to happiness, and you can't do anything at all to change or fix that.

The only persons happiness you can control is your own. You being miserable just because a lot of other people are doesn't make the world a better place. You allowing yourself some happiness does. If part of that happiness means doing something to improve the lives of others, even better.

Performative miserableness helps noone. You're far more likely to have the get up and go to improve the lot of others if you're happy in your own life.

You should be grateful for your life and live it to the maximum. Horrible things happen and the majority of these things can’t be changed. You sound depressed?

To answer your initial question, OP, because life is precious and uncertain and should be enjoyed while we have the chance because we don't know what's around the corner.

We recently lost my father to cancer (AML). Two years between his diagnosis and his eventual death, filled with chemo, hospital treatment, repeated infections, bouts of internal bleeding and plenty of awful, awful moments. And yet amongst that, we had times of joy and happiness. Our mantra was 'let's hope today is a good day' because, let's face it, there wasn't anything else we could really cling to.

I am grieving his loss, but I also have two young children who deserve to have a life full of fun and happiness and I will do my damnedest to give it to them and to enjoy every moment with them. Neither will I take my continuing good health or their good health for granted - there was a story in the paper just yesterday of a little girl of just 9 who passed away from the same disease as my dad. My heart is just breaking for her family, but I hope they'll take some comfort from the wonderful life and huge amount of love she had with them.

There is enough real suffering without torturing ourselves unproductively. Yes, have love and compassion for those who need it and try to channel that in some productive ways that make a difference, but ultimately there is nothing wrong about appreciating and cherishing the blessings we have been given.

What do you actually do?

You aren’t obliged to be happy. Sounds like you’re unhappy and unwilling to change so I guess this is your life for the foreseeable.

So what you going to do about it OP?

At least you are reflecting on the human condition, and realising that it is unrealistic to expect everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy all the time. That wouldn't be experiencing life to the full anyway, we learn more about how to live our lives from difficult challenges than we would if were entirely unreflective and enjoying constant pleasure. It's how you learn about yourself, even when you don't want to. It's more intelligent than giving into the temptation to look away and bury your head in the sand. These are the sort of thoughts that have filled the lives of great thinkers and writers, and preoccupy people who have a faith. It might be that you find yourself wanting to explore these thoughts from a perspective that might provide some kind of philosophical or moral framework, it might make you feel less helpless. There's a whole world of books, courses and material out there!

Despite the atrocities in the world I still have my faith so my answer would be to pray for all those affected by the issues you describe. When I pray I hand my worries to God & somehow I feel comforted in the knowledge there is something spiritual and far greater than humanity's inhumanity & all the issues you describe.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.".

You don’t have to believe in God, I don’t, but this is how I get by. I don’t read or watch news anymore, because there’s nothing I can change. I focus on my community, I volunteer, I donate to charity, and I spend time with friends having fun. I know that I live in a privileged society, and I might as well make the most of it.

Whenever I am with friends having a drink or go somewhere nice I’m thinking to myself “what right do I have to pretend that stuff isn’t happening and just enjoy myself?

But both things can be true. Do you think a woman who has been raped can never sit and have a drink or go somewhere nice? Do you think they have to dwell on the reality that it happened to them and that it is happening to someone else?

Do you think people in Ukraine are not going out with friends and enjoying a drink in the midst of terrible uncertainty and risk?

Equally, the popular person who seems to 'have it all' with no stress or worries about the world can actually be very unhappy.

So what is happiness? What kind of happiness are you striving for? You seem to be seeking a hedonistic feeling, or a maximisation of pleasure. Perhaps you should strive for a more stoical state of happiness - finding tranquility by accepting what you cannot control and focusing on your own virtues.

Or in fact, it sounds like you have reached a semblance of happiness by leading a Meaningful Life. That is, pursuing a life with purpose (e.g your contribution to community) which some philosophers would argue the most sustainable form of happiness.

Well, people have starved, been unwell, died, been murdered, and lived miserable lives since the day dot. At least modern life has a way of distracting you from the world and its problems, and medical progress means more people are saved from life threatening illnesses and diseases.

And of course, there's always been lack of justice, war, famine, abuse, poverty... we could possibly go on forever about those less fortunate than ourselves. But, as my DH tells me, sometimes the news is somewhat skewed to making us feel bad, digest the first worst possible news, invoking sadness and then anxiety/despair.

In spite of this, we can choose just to actively consume snippets or nothing at all. Not obviously to deny suffering, but to protect our own mental health.

Then if you still feel depressed, be active in your community/food banks/helping those people who are less fortunate. Maybe volunteer for St John's Ambulance or the Red Cross.

Or just eat cake and be happier. 😄🎂

And try to find a way of distracting yourself if you can.💗

BTW, my life was different and difficult from the moment I was born 3 months prematurely, weaned off heroin. I was fortunate to have a wonderful upbringing with adoptive parents, but the last decade has been very hard health-wise, and I had three concussions, and was permanently injured by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia.

But i try to choose to go to bed and be grateful I have another day with my children, my family, and am safe in my home.

Lots of pain and times of despair have been quite hard for me obviously with the health problems but I think it's been a great lesson in being able to be grateful for the things I can control.

How are you now op

How do you distinguish someone being already depressed and therefore overly affected by the news vs the terrible things in the world causing the depression?

Just because most people are not affected by these things it means they're automatically well-adjusted?