Sisters kids and their screens…

[SassyGreenBee]

Not a parent myself but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew (6 and 9) and something happened at the weekend that I can't stop thinking about

We were at my sister's for Sunday lunch. After we'd eaten, I suggested we do something together, nothing complicated, just a puzzle or a drawing. My nephew looked at me like I'd suggested we reorganise the boiler cupboard. He genuinely didn't know what to do with himself for about four minutes until my sister handed him a tablet, and then he was completely fine.

He's not a bad kid annd actually really bright. But those four minutes were uncomfortable in a way I found hard to explain.

I mentioned it to my sister later and she got quite defensive… said he gets plenty of screen-free time, it's not as bad as I was making it look, all his friends are the same.

i did some reading and apparently Sweden reversed its entire classroom technology policy, pulled tablets out and gone back to physical textbooks, because reading comprehension and concentration scores dropped significantly after they went screen-first

I'm not trying to be preachy about this and I'm aware I'm the childless one wading into parenting territory so feel free to tell me to mind my own. But I'm genuinely curious so I can try help my sister and help the kids. is this something you're actively managing at home? And if so, how?
from what I can tell, parents seem to fall into roughly three camps and my sis is in the second one

Those who have hard limits and stick to them religiously and say their kids are completely fine without screens

Those who've tried limits and found it becomes a constant battle so they've quietly given up

Those who are somewhere in the middle and slightly anxious about it but don't really know what to actually replace screen time with that their kids will genuinely engage with

Honest answers appreciated. Especially from the 2nd or 3rd camp, how have you tried to resolve it

That’s good to hear about Sweden. It really frustrates me how much schools have driven screen use in my home, well beyond what I wanted for my dc.

Do many 9 year old boys draw pictures? I am out of touch.. Could it have been this particular suggestion threw him, in a way doing something else wouldn't?

I would not stick my beak in, re screens.

Your suggestions weren’t great tbh and would have been more work for your sister to organise. Maybe she just wanted to sit down and talk to you for a while.

I'm not sure many 9 year old boys would want to do a puzzle or some drawing with their aunt and little sister, regardless of screens.

Yea that’s a fair point, I’ll try a different avenue next time, I feel like something similar would have happened with my niece tho

Some parents allow more screen time than others, we went on holiday a couple of years ago with extended family and some of their kids couldn't even sit and eat breakfast without an iPad stuck in their faces, and no they don't have any additional needs, they've just been allowed so much screen time they don't know what to do without one. I'm not a perfect parent, far from it. My own DC probably watched far too much cbeebies and later netflix, but no screens during mealtimes was always a hard and fast rule for me.

I'm not trying to be preachy about this

You're not even trying?

So it just comes naturally? 🤣

puzzles are fun and challenging though, use their brain but I get you. Maybe i should have suggested to do something else, in any case it feels like their attention is just glued to screens

If you want to connect with him, maybe ask him what he wants to do - is there a game on his tablets/console that you can play together?

A 9YO boy isn’t necessarily a screen addict just because he didn’t fancy drawing or a puzzle, I don’t know many 9YO boys (or girls- 8YO DD might go for drawing if there was an activity book she liked the look of but would hate a jigsaw) that would want to do either and I really don’t think that it has much to do with Sweden and their policy on text books. If you’d suggest a game of football in the garden or a board game everyone could play together you likely would have had more luck. I imagine your odd suggestions were what baffled him and your sister just wanted some time to chat with the adults so gave him the tablet, which honestly is fine if time limited at 9, it’s toddlers that shouldn’t be anywhere near them.

I find having one tablet between 3 dc means there is a natural reason to not be on screens that often. I find that stops any complaints.

If my dc are on screens a lot they struggle to sleep so we limit it. They use screens sometimes though.

Doesn’t sound like you know your nephew terribly well. What are his interests? Does he like Pokemon, Star Wars, football? Did you suggest anything active? Did you bring something along with you to introduce him to?

My son at 9 loved puzzles and loved drawing. Also likes a screen. I think the OP has a completely fair point.

A childfree person (even my sister) giving me parenting advice based on a short snippet of time would go down like a lead balloon with me. Especially on screen time, since it's a battle for many parents.

Why didn't you ask him what he wanted to do?

yeah but that’s just leading into more screen time, surely there’s a better way to develop a kids brain that just play video games. Outside games are good but also if it’s rainy, should I try brain games or something? Probs gonna end up being that boring aunt

But you know some kids dislike puzzles and drawing, don't you?

My nephew is somewhat similar - he is seven. Until quite recently he would draw, colour, happily build with Duplo/ Lego, join in with games etc. He was a sociable little boy in every way.

The last few family get togethers he has invariably whinged, sulked, pulled faces, cried, and refused to join in with anything at all. Eventually someone will hand him an iPad at which point he will perk up and disappear off to a quiet corner and just watch Minecraft videos on Kids YouTube for hours. It is absolutely a learned behaviour and I find it so frustrating to watch and honestly a bit frightening how much he has withdrawn.

I’ve never had strict screen time limits for DS10, but we do have certain non-negotiables: no screens at the dinner table, whether at home or in a restaurant (though we do sometimes all eat off our laps in front of the TV), no screens in his bedroom, and no gaming during the week (except during school holidays). He regulates himself pretty well, and will often choose drawing or Lego over TV after school, but some days just wants to veg out and that’s fine too as so do I. Summer is better than winter as he goes outside a lot more. He also does a lot of activities so I feel it balances out the screen time.

should I try brain games or something?

Why are you asking an internet random instead of your nephew?

You really don't seem to get it.

Also the best way to draw a child into an activity is to start doing it / setting it up and making it look fun. Putting pressure on a 9 year old to pick an activity which is not in his wheelhouse, and letting the silence hang is not exactly kind.

If you had read his response with a bit of self awareness rather than judgment OP you might have got further.

I'm in camp one, firm limits on screen, and mine would absolutely have done a puzzle at 9
Would still do a puzzle as a teenager, at a time like Christmas if we were doing it together

Screen addiction is a huge problem for a lot of young people these days and OP is correct plenty literally don't know how to do anything else!

They don't need your help or your input on how to bring up their children! Honestly, I'd keep your opinions to yourself 🤷‍♀️

Don’t get involved in the parenting of friends/family if you don’t have children - they won’t listen to you and they will make posts on here about ‘being the best parent ever until you have children’

I do. But the idea was reacted to with a fair bit of sneering so I was offering the other side.