Sisters kids and their screens…

[SassyGreenBee]

Not a parent myself but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew (6 and 9) and something happened at the weekend that I can't stop thinking about

We were at my sister's for Sunday lunch. After we'd eaten, I suggested we do something together, nothing complicated, just a puzzle or a drawing. My nephew looked at me like I'd suggested we reorganise the boiler cupboard. He genuinely didn't know what to do with himself for about four minutes until my sister handed him a tablet, and then he was completely fine.

He's not a bad kid annd actually really bright. But those four minutes were uncomfortable in a way I found hard to explain.

I mentioned it to my sister later and she got quite defensive… said he gets plenty of screen-free time, it's not as bad as I was making it look, all his friends are the same.

i did some reading and apparently Sweden reversed its entire classroom technology policy, pulled tablets out and gone back to physical textbooks, because reading comprehension and concentration scores dropped significantly after they went screen-first

I'm not trying to be preachy about this and I'm aware I'm the childless one wading into parenting territory so feel free to tell me to mind my own. But I'm genuinely curious so I can try help my sister and help the kids. is this something you're actively managing at home? And if so, how?
from what I can tell, parents seem to fall into roughly three camps and my sis is in the second one

Those who have hard limits and stick to them religiously and say their kids are completely fine without screens

Those who've tried limits and found it becomes a constant battle so they've quietly given up

Those who are somewhere in the middle and slightly anxious about it but don't really know what to actually replace screen time with that their kids will genuinely engage with

Honest answers appreciated. Especially from the 2nd or 3rd camp, how have you tried to resolve it

fair point but the previous times I’ve asked him he does just seem to want to play on screens, just don’t want him falling into the trap of getting addicted but I guess it’s hard to push given it’s my nephew

Yabu girl, and coming across super judgy

Its easy to critique parenting using studies - try raising them day in day out is my answer

Glad to hear I’m not the only one, what would you have done differently?

My nephews are 9 and 11 and would bite your hand off to do a puzzle, board game or card game type activity. They’re not really into drawing but if you’re lucky they might let you play in goals at football.

What are brain games? But if you’re that invested in his brain development then talk about that him about what he likes rather than just presuming!! I know the boys in my family (DS and nephews) like lego so always buy a few small sets to dish out at family meals.

If you aren't sure of what your nephew likes to do outside of screen time, I'd take the time to figure that out with him.

Well yes, the child you're judging is not yours, and you are not the parent you're judging either.

Imaginary parenting is so much simpler than actual parenting.

I think generally the best way to entertain kids that aren't yours (and without screens) is to get them out doing something interactive.

Mine would!

Same! Mine have never had tablets or phones or anything, but I let them watch a bit of CBeebies or Peppa pig. My oldest- now in reception is coming home and is telling me about films she’s watched in school 🤯

Which is why I didn't say "no 9 year old boy"

Exactly.

The only relevant thing here is how the 9 year old boy in question felt about it.

No-one really wants Auntie Barbara clapping her hands smartly and telling them what they should be doing.

Yanbu dgd age 6 did drawing and playing in garden at ours, she does not have a screen

Parent of a 9/just turned 10 year old. He would love a puzzle.
Drawing is not his thing. But he’s also old enough to do an activity somebody has suggested for a little bit. He’s well mannered enough.
Or he might say: do you want to play my game XYZ instead?

Yanbu. There are plenty of games a 9- year old could enjoy. Maybe puzzle and drawing is not his thing but you got all the classic board games; chess, othello, uno and many others. Also legos for that age. My ds2 12 loves his phone but I take it away every evening so he has to play by himself or read or play with me. 9 times out of 10 he wants to play with me while listening to some music. It's really nice..

Was your niece the same? 9 is a funny inbetween age but in general I think girls are much easier to get to engage in those kind of activities. Not generally a problem. Boys either need to be outside ‘doing’ or they will have a short attention span.

Hed already sat down for a whole Sunday lunch which in boy terms meant he was probably already bored and had given his ‘nice family social battery’ a full go. That’s why at that age I found restaurant trips were a bit wasted because they’d be off on to the next thing. Probably if you had eaten at a pub and there was a beer garden with play equipment he would have been off after dinner. Or you may be able to reengage him with something like a game of battleships or card game or Lego. Maybe with a bit of ‘down time’ for their tablet inbetween.

Thats why for ‘brain’ things I nearly always took them out at the weekend to airplane RAF museums or national trust, space places etc that they’d learn and be doing. In the house it’s harder. I’m guessing what your sister is saying is probably he has a rotation of; outside doing activity /sport, indoor play (possibly Lego, scaletrix or similar) and then some tv time or gaming. She is highly unlikely to just let him have screens but tries to balance across the board. He has already given that at lunch (was he chatty at lunch? Polite? Had conversation) and your sister could see some downtime was the best idea at that point.

You’re seeing one small snapshot. And tbf, you might have made your sister feel pretty horrible! I’m not sensitive particularly but if someone implied something on my parenting - it would really get to me.

It’s not your responsibility or your place to “develop his brain” though, is it, and I can see why your intervention has got your sister’s back up. Wittering on about Sweden and text books does make you sound rather insufferable, I’m afraid. Maybe try talking to your nephew about what he would like to do, if you want to connect and bond with him - if that’s a computer game, so be it. It’s up to his parents to manage his access to screens. If you are more interested in improving him (and your sister) than bonding and connection, then you can expect short shrift and a frosty relationship.

so I have 3 kids. They all have different times allowed for screen times depending on ages and how their actions are with and without screens. We are very strict about it, but there are exceptions such as holidays for example.

but I wonder if you offered the right thing. My youngest (9) wouldn’t draw - he doesn’t enjoy it but would love a board game for example.

also if your sister is strict at other times and a bit lax at certain times it’s ok. I mean a 4 minute silence from a child I wouldn’t be uncomfortable if I’m honest.

Everyone is different. My neurotypical children don’t have screens aside from a laptop in the living room for homework (they are teens), a switch the use occasionally and sometimes the put YouTube on the tv. The decision to remove them a few years ago was best decision I’ve ever made, and I have no doubt it’ll pay dividends in future in terms of concentration and school work (due to more time). It also means that the arguments we had before about phones/ipads, sitting in their rooms for hours a day on screens, contacting people they shouldn’t online and getting into arguments with school friends are all gone. I have told them I won’t buy them a smart phone ever and if they want one, they can get a contract when they are 18. However, if they were neurodivergent my opinion may be different.

Exactly this. I always find it really odd when people seem to think it's their place to parent other people's kids.

This, so frustrating when childfree people tell you how to parent!

There were no tablets when I was 9. I still wouldn't have had any interest in drawing or doing puzzles with my aunt. I liked Monopoly and scrabble on a rainy day, but much preferred being outdoors.
You have only seen a snippet, I think it's a bit unfair of you to be judging your sisters parenting and thinking he needs less screen time, she told you he does other activities.

My 11 year old will happily play scrabble, monopoly, game of life, cards etc and loves some switch or iPad time.
id say you see snapshots of your nieces and nephews lives and are making a judgement without any experience or understanding to back it up. You suggested something random and expected the kids to jump on board when clearly you don’t know them that well.
just because on one occasion you suggested something that isn’t interesting to those kids you decided they must be screen obssesser and incapable of doing anything else.
I tend to give kids extra screen time when we have guests so I can talk to the guests and children are entertained

You said you spend a lot of time with them so surely you have spent lots of times doing things together.

My 9yo wouldn't have been particularly keen on doing a puzzle with you, but wouldn't have felt comfortable telling you he'd rather do something else, which could have lead to the awkward 5 minutes. However, he'd happily build lego with you, set up his playmobil, play an outside game or go for a walk to the park.

It terms of screen use, I don't think I really fit into any of your groups. I've never limited screen use and instead focus on providing opportunities to do a range of activities. Sometimes screens even suport their ability to engage in other stuff, for instance, using screens in the car means we can travel further to activities and everyone arrives at our outing in a good mood, or I'll give one kid a screen to keep them occupied while the other has a class or club.