Sisters kids and their screens…

[SassyGreenBee]

Not a parent myself but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew (6 and 9) and something happened at the weekend that I can't stop thinking about

We were at my sister's for Sunday lunch. After we'd eaten, I suggested we do something together, nothing complicated, just a puzzle or a drawing. My nephew looked at me like I'd suggested we reorganise the boiler cupboard. He genuinely didn't know what to do with himself for about four minutes until my sister handed him a tablet, and then he was completely fine.

He's not a bad kid annd actually really bright. But those four minutes were uncomfortable in a way I found hard to explain.

I mentioned it to my sister later and she got quite defensive… said he gets plenty of screen-free time, it's not as bad as I was making it look, all his friends are the same.

i did some reading and apparently Sweden reversed its entire classroom technology policy, pulled tablets out and gone back to physical textbooks, because reading comprehension and concentration scores dropped significantly after they went screen-first

I'm not trying to be preachy about this and I'm aware I'm the childless one wading into parenting territory so feel free to tell me to mind my own. But I'm genuinely curious so I can try help my sister and help the kids. is this something you're actively managing at home? And if so, how?
from what I can tell, parents seem to fall into roughly three camps and my sis is in the second one

Those who have hard limits and stick to them religiously and say their kids are completely fine without screens

Those who've tried limits and found it becomes a constant battle so they've quietly given up

Those who are somewhere in the middle and slightly anxious about it but don't really know what to actually replace screen time with that their kids will genuinely engage with

Honest answers appreciated. Especially from the 2nd or 3rd camp, how have you tried to resolve it

But that's the thing, it's the auntie's obligation to build the relationship, to take an interest and come down to their level. Instead of suggesting something that many 9 year old boys wouldn't like and being up in arms about it, she should ask them what they want. The fact she knows them so little is more revealing about the OP than her sister. And many of us watch TV after a long Sunday lunch, is it so bad the kids wanted to do the same?

I have friends with no kids who are amazing with my son. I also know people who make a token effort and then declare that the kid doesn't like them.

YANBU and it's pretty easy to see on threads like this which MNers allow far to much screen time and are defensive about it

It really is none of your business

While screen time is a big issue for children, you might have just missed the mark with your suggestions. It can be hard to find an activity that suits both 9 and 6 year olds, the drawing supplies or jigsaws in the house might seem too babyish to a 9 year old or he might not be interested in general.

I try and stay on top of my nephew's interests but I know one day I'll ask about something that was previously liked and is now so last year and he'll feel sorry for how uncool I am.

It’s a problem in my house. My children are 9, 7 & 5 and all have iPads. I don’t even know how that happened tbh, we had 1 family iPad and for some reason decided it would be a good idea to get the older 2 their own, some point down the line there were arguments as the youngest had to use one of the older ones so we got her one too. Terrible decision. I’m on my phone far to much myself, I do get irrationally annoyed when I feel like they’ve been on them to much and usher them off into the garden/play room to play. Sometimes that’s fine sometimes arguments erupt within 0.5 seconds. It’s a battle for sure. Sometimes I just want to throw all devices (my own included) in the bin. I think I’m probably a middle camp, absolutely no iPads in the mornings/before school. We did try no iPads in the week but that’s not been upheld. I need to get a grip on it and I think if more parents were honest they probably feel the same.

Camp one - firm limits

1 x Disney film at the weekend

IPad for the plane

That is it!

my child is extremely affected by screens. The change in behaviour is astonishing. We do a lot of LEGO, colouring, board games. Thankfully the weather is improving so have stuff in the gardens too. It’s hard. When you need a minute to yourself

You need to mind your own business!!

you don’t have kids - don’t be the annoying preachy one who comes for dinner and starts to be a PITA.

we have a few rules and limits but the kids also have their own little routines. It’s quite common in our house for them to have a bit of a sit down on a screen after eating to let meal go down. Whether that’s iPad or TV.

you saw a small snippet of their lives. You will also be the boring one if you constantly try to get them to do things they dislike.

you’re not a superhero coming along to save them 😂

next time why don’t you show an interest in their screen (game? Show?). Sit with them and learn what they’re up to. Some are engaging and educational too. They’re not all bad! Brain games are on screens too.

then after a while (once they’ve see you’re interested/fun) suggest some other options if you want to. But be guided by the parents.

Good point.

what does he like doing when you spend time with them normally.

people suggesting uno and similar is a great shout. BUT I wouldn’t want to straight after dinner.

top trumps is good for that age combo too.

Oh to be an idealistic childless person again… I think many people without children are like this- judgemental, definitely wouldn’t do that if they ever had kids etc. Then you actually have to deal with them day in day out. I’m sure your sister knows how to parent her own kids.

I live in Sweden and my year 7 DS was given a school laptop on day one. He uses it at school every day and brings it home when he has homework. I'm sure he also has books, but I've never seen him with one.

Your poor sister. I hope she enjoyed her sunday lunch before you ruined her day with those judgemental views...

Absolutely agree. I’ve got a 10 and 7 year old who would love to draw or do a puzzle with their aunt. I just don’t understand the reliance on screens, it’s scary!!!

you don't have kids stop being so judgy

If the kid has already sat through Sunday lunch and behaved nicely and chatted politely with the adults, then tbh I don't see anything wrong with your sister 'parking' him on a screen afterwards so she can enjoy a bit of peace and quiet and grown-up interaction.

I mean, don't get me wrong - screens are lazy parenting and essentially warehousing your child for a bit, but there is a time and a place for this and I often allow screen time when my own sister is visiting because I want to be lazy for a bit and chat to her and enjoy a glass of wine in peace.

Of course there is a balance to be struck - a 6 or 9 yo constantly on a screen for hours everyday is not good.

But parents don't always bring their A-game to parenting and that's ok.

Sometimes I smile at my children and I'm secretly thinking "I'm so done with today, I really just want you to be in bed, asleep, so it's TV all the way until we can make that happen and no, I won't be jumping up and down doing animal impersonations or drawing stick men for you to guess what they're doing, because I'd rather peel my hand with a carrot peeler right now."

If you want to help out as a 'good' aunty, maybe offer your sister to take your DN to the park to kick about a ball or another trip out that he might be interested in (a museum/exhibition aimed at kids, for example)? Then you get to 'enrich' him, he gets some 1-1 attention and she gets some guilt-free time off.

Ah, the "snapshot of their day" bridage

Honest answers appreciated. Especially from the 2nd or 3rd camp, how have you tried to resolve it

I didn't really answer this bit of your OP.

I'm probably in the third camp, somewhat. In terms of how I've tried to resolve our screen time issues:

• If I have the energy, I play with my kids or take them out somewhere.
• If I don't have the energy, but I'm feeling especially mean or think we've had excessive screen time, I hide the TV remote and the games consoles and lock myself in the bathroom and thumb my own phone (I'm a complete hypocrite) while the kids rampage, until they quieten down and find something else to do. I usually come out to a trashed house and things being cut up, but by this point, I don't care.
• If I reach the point where I'm about to list them both on ebay or run screaming into the street and disappear forever, I hand over the screens as the less harmful alternative.

It's a fairly crude system but works for us.

It is easy for screen time to creep up. My almost 9yo at the weekend has up to 2hr limit set on his tablet, up to an hour on his switch, and then weedles me for maths games and Duolingo chess on my phone! We probably also watch some family TV up to an hour. Added up I feel like this is a lot, 4 or 5 hours possible. But I really hope it doesn't always hit this! He reads lots, we often play family board games and always get out for walks at the weekend. But he doesn't play much independently these days. In the week he gets half an hour of CBBC in the morning, then 45 minute tablet TV after school plus maths games on my phone.

I’m camp one except he does watch tv 2-3 times a week. I prefer the days he doesn’t watch it though (three year old). He is never left with a phone or tablet except when we fly I download movies made about stories he likes. He’s three.

My daughter has maths and English games on her iPad, as well as other puzzle games, and then some drawing and colouring apps. It makes life easy when we’re out that she has the tablet and she can use that to play a game or practise her maths or watch a tv show she enjoys.

she also spends a lot of her time doing gymnastics, dancing, singing, playing with her sister, with toys, outside in the garden.

but if someone saw her on her iPad for 15 mins while waiting for adults to finish their meal, they’d judge and presume she spends all her time “glued to her iPad”!

I was always very strict with screens, we didn't even own an iPad but it has bitten me in the arse since dd got her own phone. OP l agree with you and the fact you don't have kids is irrelevant- of course a 9 year old should be able to function without a screen. Sad really.

YANBU....parents like your sister are why kids are growing up with lacking social skills nowadays.
She was wrong to just give him the tablet, she should have encouraged him to socialise and interact with you (i'm guessing you are an Auntie he knows fairly well, and it was good of you to offer to spend time playing with him as many adults sadly don't bother to do so with children now, so she should have appreciated your effort and encouraged him.
If she knew he wasn't keen on those activities maybe she could have suggested something different for you to do together.
Kids nowadays just seem to get away with doing what they want and not being held to any expectations or tolerating anything they don't want to.....when we had visitors or visited others at that sort of age when I was a kid, I was expected to join in and be sociable!

I think you're getting a hard time here. It's not judgey for someone without kids to ask people on the Internet who do have kids for advice or info. You obviously care about your niece and nephew and are interested if there are any other methods of engaging with the kids that you spend time with. It is scary how addictive screens are.

Bridage?

if that’s all you can say about my post then at least spell it right.

and yes the snapshot is important. I’d be annoyed if I’d cooked a family member lunch for them to then judge my parenting.

I wouldn't try so hard to develop his brain. Follow his own interests, lean into them - he'll actually learn more if he's having fun and interested.

Maybe next time ask him what game or activity he'd like to do. Chess, Uno, or you could teach him knockout whist or something?

And i wouldn't act as if screens are toxic, they do have their place, PP's suggestion of playing his game with him was pretty good. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Nobody has said he can’t function without a screen. He just didn’t want to do a puzzle.

the mum says they have a balance.

im fairly strict with mine but they do have screens. At secondary school all their homework is on a screen!