Sisters kids and their screens…

[SassyGreenBee]

Not a parent myself but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew (6 and 9) and something happened at the weekend that I can't stop thinking about

We were at my sister's for Sunday lunch. After we'd eaten, I suggested we do something together, nothing complicated, just a puzzle or a drawing. My nephew looked at me like I'd suggested we reorganise the boiler cupboard. He genuinely didn't know what to do with himself for about four minutes until my sister handed him a tablet, and then he was completely fine.

He's not a bad kid annd actually really bright. But those four minutes were uncomfortable in a way I found hard to explain.

I mentioned it to my sister later and she got quite defensive… said he gets plenty of screen-free time, it's not as bad as I was making it look, all his friends are the same.

i did some reading and apparently Sweden reversed its entire classroom technology policy, pulled tablets out and gone back to physical textbooks, because reading comprehension and concentration scores dropped significantly after they went screen-first

I'm not trying to be preachy about this and I'm aware I'm the childless one wading into parenting territory so feel free to tell me to mind my own. But I'm genuinely curious so I can try help my sister and help the kids. is this something you're actively managing at home? And if so, how?
from what I can tell, parents seem to fall into roughly three camps and my sis is in the second one

Those who have hard limits and stick to them religiously and say their kids are completely fine without screens

Those who've tried limits and found it becomes a constant battle so they've quietly given up

Those who are somewhere in the middle and slightly anxious about it but don't really know what to actually replace screen time with that their kids will genuinely engage with

Honest answers appreciated. Especially from the 2nd or 3rd camp, how have you tried to resolve it

It's not just that though, it's you doing it together, chatting, having a laugh? Don't get that from a screen.

But I'm genuinely curious so I can try help my sister and help the kids

Has she asked for your help, OP?

I have never really hard any hard and fast rules. If I felt they had been on their screens too much, I took them away. They were never allowed them at the dinner table though. We raised them with a balance of interests, and some of those interests were screen-based such as Minecraft etc.

Screens aren’t just mind numbing OP. They can be educational, teach coding, strategy etc.

Mine are now older teenagers and despite never really having strict rules around screen use, they are not glued to screens day and night. They are normal kids with excellent attention spans and a wide range of interests. Very similar to when I was their age before handheld screens were invented!

You’re not there all day, every day. You have no idea how often they are on screens nor what they are doing on them. I would mind your own business on this subject.

YANBU OP

DS is 12 and has never owned an iPad.

He enjoys puzzles but needs a bit of encouragement to get going with them. He loves drawing, I’m forever buying reams of printer paper and new pens!

He also loves screens - YouTube, Roblox etc - so we limit time on them.

I think it’s really nice that you wanted to spend time with him doing something together and I can’t believe some of the responses on here telling you to butt out! Hes your family ffs of course you’re going to be concerned about him!

I had a friend come to visit a few months ago that I hadn’t seen in about 7 years. It would’ve been so easy to just let DS sit upstairs on screens while we caught up but she’d bought a card game with her so DS came and played with us all evening. He had so much fun and for the first time in 12 years I saw him crying with laughter with actual tears in eyes, me and DH had never seen him do that before EVER! He regularly asks when she’s coming back to visit ☺️

I’m with you OP!

And then ran to a public parenting forum to invite complete strangers to further judge the parenting.

You are completely in the right here OP. Your sister sounds like ia lazy parent.

My 13yo is very into his screens, he's a gamer and likes to think he's a YouTuber (he doesn't show his face or details). He's loved gaming from quite young and saved/asked for money instead of toys to buy his own PC at 7.

However, he's on track at school, has a reading age of 16+, has 100% attendance and is handling high school much better than we expected. He's suspected autistic/inattentive adhd (his brother is combined adhd) and gaming/yt is what he's into

Believe me I wish it was science, or a sport, or anything else people deemed an acceptable thing to spend time doing. My youngest is highly active, loves cycling, does martial arts, loves space and puzzles and lego, he also loves gaming but has a wider range of interests and hobbies. I have tried and tried to get my eldest interested but the interest is not there and you can only push so much.

@IPMExactly. We now have people calling this poor mum lazy amongst other things.

Screens aren’t the evil thing they’re made out to be if they are well managed and balanced.

in the OP it says he’s a good kid, bright and has lots of off screen time.

the OP offered to do a puzzle and he didn’t want too. There were a few mins of OP feeling uncomfortable. The OP was uncomfortable because she didn’t know how to engage him in that moment.

OP came for advice - which she got. Try to show an interest in what he likes to build a bond. Kids love to show people their games and shows! Then once on his level you can suggest other things.

Yes you can!! Mario kart is great fun! Minecraft teaches loads of skills. Loads of educational apps are great.

my son is teaching himself a language on Duolingo.

and yes they have tons of off screen time too. Lego, art, outside games, helping around the house. Doing fab at school.

if you want to help then I would get to know him a bit better, ask your sister if you can take him out for a few hours one Saturday and ask him what he’s like to do, something fun - bowling, arcades, theme park, go ape… anything. I have a teenage half brother who I’m considerably older than and very close to, he’s stayed at my house once a month since he was little and we always did something fun together. Maybe then you might be able to connect with him and when you’re round theirs you can spend time with him? Same for your niece as well, but the one thing I wouldn’t do is judge your sister’s parenting based on a snapshot of one day. It’s a lot easier to find parenting flaws when you’re not actually a parent!

I work with teen boys and if they finish their work I often hand them a piece of paper a car/sport type picture to colour or copy and you would surprised as to how much they enjoy it. Young people need to get back to basics, of course they need to have I.T. Skills but it’s all gone too far. For instance the deterioration in handwringing skills is scary. I know people will defend this as the way it is now, it’s a shame that a hundreds of centuries skill is going to be lost. And we need to remember students need to hand write their GCSEs, not everyone will be given a tablet.

So many wildly defensive posts here! I know who’s kids spend their lives on screens…

Mine get about 1 hour on weekends and that’s about it - too busy with school work and sports mon-Friday. They watch tv tho - film on Sundays etc.

What a silly attitude to digital technology. Do you know you can do puzzles and board games on electronic devices? You have much more choice regarding who to play with and how to structure your game (if you want to do these things with others).

Perhaps the child just doesn't want to play with you because you make him feel ashamed of using a tablet. I know that's the case with my children's annoying aunt (and she would say "but I don't say anything"! - they can tell).

I mean, this sounds like something I may have preplanned with DS to be honest. ‘Your auntie X is coming over later, we’ll have dinner together and then would you like some time on your tablet whilst we catch up?’

Just because screens might be used during your visit doesn’t mean the screens are used constantly, or even for every visitor. It might be because you just dont have fun ideas - one friend/aunt always brings a science kit/experiment to do with DS, another will enthusiastically join in with whatever new toy he wants to talk about for ages… then I don’t get a word in edgeways! But I have some friends I want to natter with and DS doesn’t really like playing with, and then he’ll have an hour of screen time, which is kind of win/win/win and we’re all happy. Doesn’t mean he has unlimited screen time constantly!

My kids have more screen time than I feel comfortable with, but noticeably less than their peers.

I agree with pp that the awkwardness came from him not knowing how to approach you suggesting something “babyish” rather than because he doesn’t know how to be off a screen.

Even the most screen-addicted 9 year olds my kids play with will go on the trampoline or to the park, build robot wars robots or do science experiments; bake cookies or make-your-own-pizza etc.

Do they not hand write all day every day in school? The only kids in my kids schools that use a Chromebook or laptop for all their lessons have additional needs such as dyslexia.

It’s when we reach adulthood that we stop writing. I write very little now as all my work, meeting notes, to do lists etc is online.

That’s true actually. We have a tradition since our kids were small to play Uno every holiday at the dinner table. Last holiday we realised we’d left our Uno deck at home. The teens got us to whip out our phones and download the Uno app. Problem solved!

We also have a bingo app that we use for family bingo nights.

And when Imposter was all the rage we had a lot of fun with our teens playing that.

Focusing on screens for the sake of it is the wrong approach. Technology isn’t going anywhere and it’s a lot more convenient than our old ways.

It’s doom scrolling on the likes of TikTok or Snapchat that should be monitored. Although I do think both of those apps have their positives if used responsibly when age appropriate.

You're quite out of touch. Get some uno cards but they probably want some down time.

I'm not trying to be preachy about this and I'm aware I'm the childless one wading into parenting territory so feel free to tell me to mind my own.

You are being preachy so mind your own.