Sisters kids and their screens…

[SassyGreenBee]

Not a parent myself but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew (6 and 9) and something happened at the weekend that I can't stop thinking about

We were at my sister's for Sunday lunch. After we'd eaten, I suggested we do something together, nothing complicated, just a puzzle or a drawing. My nephew looked at me like I'd suggested we reorganise the boiler cupboard. He genuinely didn't know what to do with himself for about four minutes until my sister handed him a tablet, and then he was completely fine.

He's not a bad kid annd actually really bright. But those four minutes were uncomfortable in a way I found hard to explain.

I mentioned it to my sister later and she got quite defensive… said he gets plenty of screen-free time, it's not as bad as I was making it look, all his friends are the same.

i did some reading and apparently Sweden reversed its entire classroom technology policy, pulled tablets out and gone back to physical textbooks, because reading comprehension and concentration scores dropped significantly after they went screen-first

I'm not trying to be preachy about this and I'm aware I'm the childless one wading into parenting territory so feel free to tell me to mind my own. But I'm genuinely curious so I can try help my sister and help the kids. is this something you're actively managing at home? And if so, how?
from what I can tell, parents seem to fall into roughly three camps and my sis is in the second one

Those who have hard limits and stick to them religiously and say their kids are completely fine without screens

Those who've tried limits and found it becomes a constant battle so they've quietly given up

Those who are somewhere in the middle and slightly anxious about it but don't really know what to actually replace screen time with that their kids will genuinely engage with

Honest answers appreciated. Especially from the 2nd or 3rd camp, how have you tried to resolve it

My daughter's just turned 9 and when she doesn't know what to do, I tell her to draw a picture or make something. She used to have too much screen time but I could see the effect it had on her overall mood/behaviour, so I don't give in and get her to do something creative instead. She's got really into origami recently due to this.

I was in the third group and then the second. I found that the screen time gradually increased due to me being tired/ill and then it was impossible to go back. It took huge amounts of energy to get them to do anything else and I did try but in the end it didn't work. We're all autistic and I'm now as bad as they are. It's used to regulate. I'm a single autistic parent who couldn't fight against this system that's designed to be addictive. I'd love to have that power but I don't.

Youngest DS is about to complete his computer science degree so at least he will (hopefully) be earning money from his screen addiction soon.

My 9 year old would not be even slightly interested in puzzles or colouring. Cooking or baking together, taking his ipad out and using an app to identify plants, watching a Brian Cox programme together, walking the dog would be a huge yes. Get to know your nephew and you’ll be able to suggest something he really likes.

If you spend time with them for two hours on a Sunday, say, you’re only seeing a snapshot of their lives. Kids can act up a bit when company is over and your sister is probably handing him his ipad to keep him content so she can concentrate on you and the lunch.

Given you are not a parent, i would keep your opinions to yourself!

You have seen a small snapshot of interaction. Get off your high horse.

You're not wrong @SassyGreenBee It's a huge problem.

I'm surprised that people think a 9-year-old boy wouldn't want to do a puzzle or draw. Why on earth not? Those are activities that people of all ages enjoy. Unless he really dislikes those activities (fair enough) in which case he might have suggested an alternative. Or maybe he has become far too dependent on screens, which I think is a reasonable inference based on the OP.

This is such an odd comment.
Puzzles and drawing are absolutely age appropriate at 9 and I have no idea what sex has got to do with it.

Of course it is possible that this specific child doesn't like drawing or puzzles, but they are far from unusual activities.

I agree @SassyGreenBee that in this instance it appears that they have been trained into screen use, but perhaps asking 'hey kids what should we do together' would have given different results??

I don’t think you should be commenting on your sister’s parenting, especially given you don’t have children. I was an amazing parent before I had children. I don’t think you can say that a 9 year old is “addicted” to screens because they didn’t want to do a puzzle or drawing.
I definitely agree with screen time limits, but if I wanted time to chat to another adult and catch up, I don’t think I’d worry about giving my child an iPad, especially a 9 year old. Doesn’t mean they’re on it 24/7. I’m also not sure what schools in Sweden have to do with your nephew being on an iPad for a bit.
It is your sister’s job to worry about her child’s screen time and development, not yours. Perhaps focus on what you can improve about yourself.

What's odd about making a comment based on your own experience?

I didn't say puzzles and drawing weren't age appropriate either, I said that a lot of boys that age probably wouldn't want to sit down and draw with their aunt and baby sister.

I’d try finding out more about what he likes to do and what’s likely to go down well, eg something active, something outside, or talking about his interests etc. There will be something through trial and error.

I don’t think you’re being overly judgy here but many parents are very sensitive about screen use and will use the easy argument of “don’t give me your studies if you haven’t parented” and the like. As a parent I can also clearly see the effects of excessive screen use on the children within my wider family / social circle. If my 10yo nephew was in the situation you described, he might get a little bored with the adults talking but will soon find something creative or active to do. A couple of kids around the same age that I know well who have iPad during mealtimes, any journeys, any quiet times basically, will be withdrawn and obviously unhappy until they get the screen.

Hmm not everyone likes puzzles. Dd1 will still choose to do a puzzle, she's 15 she's always enjoyed puzzles has many and does them regularly. Dd2 really hates puzzles. She'd rather play a board game or card game with someone or play badminton or something in the garden.

They will almost always choose their screens though. We have pretty strict limits most of the time. Relaxed for long car journeys or if one DC has to travel for the other sports.

You have been their Aunt for 9 years and you were shocked that this happened at lunch? Your post is about this one incident not ongoing issues- Therefore this isn’t something you have noticed before when you have tried to bond with them and done other activities?

Which suggests this was perhaps the end of a long bank holiday weekend and the kids fancied a bit of screen time.

We have been in the garden, swimming, out with friends all weekend and the kids haven’t seen a screen (similar age to your DNs) and today we promised a more chilled out day and they were allowed an hour on the PlayStation. Both leapt upstairs after lunch to log on. My DFriend popped over unexpectedly and I got a pass agg comment about them being glued to it. I firmly put her in her place that the kids have had a full and active weekend and it was only an hour.

You sounds terribly judgemental and keen to ‘help’ when I assume your sister hasn’t asked for any?

My 9 year old son wouldn’t want to draw with you either, but would happily do some Lego or (based on today) play 1 million games of uno…

l

My 10 year old doesn't particularly like drawing or puzzles but he'd do it with his uncles (for the novelty of uncles being more fun than me/dh).

He'd react super happily if you suggested a board game/uno/chess though.

Screens is a tricky one because all parents are different, with different demands on them, and all kids are different and people get very defensive!

for example, my children are reception and pre-school, my eldest had free reign with screens and was absolutely not bothered in the slightest. She’ll watch frozen or moana but far prefers drawing / reading / puzzles / dolls / being outside, it’s not anything close to a battle. If it was just her, I’d be advocating for a child led approach, no need for strict boundaries blah blah blah. As always, my youngest humbled me. We tried the same approach but she is FAR more interested in it, so it’s virtually banned in our house now. I guess it’s just down to personalities as to how they respond to it.

My oldest is rarely off a screen now he’s at high school, he didn’t have any games/devices until he was 9 and then they were limited, he had a great imagination and loved being outside but now sadly is gone all teenager boy and grumpy.
The trouble is most of his friends also spend a lot of time online and they speak (very loudly🙄) through headsets. All his devices turn off at 9.30.
My middle one games online with friends and wouldn’t have entertained drawing either. a puzzle possibly depending on what the subject was but he’s loves a good board game. If you’re looking for inspiration he loves
Battleships
Rummy (using the plastic tiles instead of cards)
Monopoly
Game of life
Uno.
I groan when he suggests monopoly as he takes hours however we also have the junior version which my youngest plays as well.
I would personally take around the travel version of rummikub, it’s easy to learn and we do tournaments, my 5 year old can play it with help and even my oldest one will sometimes join in.

Not a parent myself but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew

Is this the first time the screen has been an issue? You seem focused on this instance but surely as you spend so much time with them you know how much screen time they have? (Or a ballpark at least)

I think your post are a little contradictory. You don’t agree with screen but then can’t really suggest anything else. To only offer drawing or a jigsaw to a 9 year old boy is a bit dull to them. If you want to connect get outside. A bike ride or a ball game. Even in the rain. Just chuck on a coat.
Or a family game. Unos always a winner. Or dobble. Google some kid board games. Articulate is good. Dig in is great for all ages.
I hate screens and I’m a parent of children the same age. But do not judge those who use them. Especially as you haven’t got kids and can’t comprehend the battle I would stay quiet from now on with your sister unless you want to upset her.

I think your post are a little contradictory. You don’t agree with screen but then can’t really suggest anything else. To only offer drawing or a jigsaw to a 9 year old boy is a bit dull to them. If you want to connect get outside. A bike ride or a ball game. Even in the rain. Just chuck on a coat.
Or a family game. Unos always a winner. Or dobble. Google some kid board games. Articulate is good. Dig in is great for all ages.
I hate screens and I’m a parent of children the same age. But do not judge those who use them. Especially as you haven’t got kids and can’t comprehend the battle I would stay quiet from now on with your sister unless you want to upset her.

I’ve always been reasonably relaxed about screens, my kids love reading, baking, playing outside, gardening, games and crafts. They have tablets but they’ve not been played in months, I keep them in our bedroom and no one has asked for them. I don’t know if we’re just lucky but my kids really aren’t bothered about screens or perhaps my relaxed approach while encouraging screen free time has helped them develop other interests, who knows.

Id echo others to say perhaps puzzles and drawing weren’t a particularly exciting suggestion for 9 year old nephew? I personally hate puzzles, they make me feel nauseous but I love a good board game! Maybe he’d have preferred having a kick around with a ball outside, find out what his interests are for next time.

I’d also try really hard not to pass judgement on your sister’s parenting based on one event. Letting him have a tablet after Sunday dinner for some downtime is hardly the crime of the century and maybe doesn’t reflect their day to day screen time.

A board game? try Azul or Ticket to Ride

Ah, really? My six year old loves doing these things with grown ups and his siblings. I’m sad to think he won’t want to in a few years.

Did your sister just find it awkward that you suggested something she knew he wasn’t keen on doing and just handed him a screen (as something he knew he’d be happy doing) rather than making out their screen obsessed? You seemed to have jumped the gun a little bit here.

Oh ffs some or these responses are insane. The OP is asking for advice and you are just sniping at her. This is why childless people don’t interact with your children - some of you are so fucking patronising and rude and dismissive.
my daughters spent loads of time with their (then) childless aunts and at no point did I or their father think anything but pleased that they had people in their lives who loved them and wanted to know what they were interested in, making suggestions about new things to try etc. It’s good that aunts want to build a relationship with their nieces and nephews, regardless of their own parental status. I know that mine still love and cherish their aunts and have amazing memories of their times together.

I'm certainly not saying it's the case for all 9 year olds! I was just thinking of a reason as to why he may not be keen on the idea.

So, so many assumptions on your part.

Maybe:

1. The kids don't find you very fun
2. The kids didn't particularly like your suggestion
3. Your sister wanted to enjoy some time with her sister chatting than being a perfect parent in the moment, right after Sunday lunch.

The fact you think your sister will want advice from someone who doesn't even have kids is hilarious.