AIBU to hate being a step mum?

[PurpleSalem]

There is so much context to this story but here is a very brief overview!!

I have been with my partner for over three years… he has a 6 & 8 year old I have a 5 soon to be 6 year old.

It’s never been plain sailing let me tell you that!! The ex on his side has done her very best to poison his kids against me to the point where the 8 year old didn’t see her dad for months.

Obviously she takes everything her mum says as gospel (totally understand that) but it’s just soooo hard to bite my tongue and live with it.

Feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.. like I’m not welcome and I’m just basically a frigging slave to the kids who don’t even like me!!!

Anyway, yesterday I bit back.. and i feel so guilty as I usually just keep it inside. After listening to her argue and be nasty to everyone all weekend I just lost it. She was telling me how I couldn’t tell her off as I’m not her mum blah blah to which I snapped ‘if I’m not your mum and you don’t want me to look after you.. cook your own food and was your damn clothes then!!!!’

The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad, talks to me like absolute shite and then goes back to her mum to say ‘oh SM has done this said this etc…’ and it all turns out to be lies!!

Her mum obviously then jumps on any form of problem pasting it all over social media/ tik tok etc slagging me off.

Sigh, sorry to rant.. just at my wits end :(

I suppose I'm the dad in this scenario. My kids are very much grown up now - around 30. When I got together with my wife, they were 4 and 6. I think she found it difficult, because it IS difficult.

We muddled through, not unscathed. Her relationship with my sons is strong now that they're adults. She genuinely enjoys their company, is affectionate towards them, and wants to help them at every opportunity.

Looking back, it's easy to see what mistakes I made, but that's hindsight. I could tell you what I should have done but we are where we are.

If you love your partner and your relationship is otherwise secure, have a frank conversation with him and try to negotiate some rules that will work. I'd say that if you (all) keep in mind that this is a very tricky situation, you'll have sympathy for each other, which is something you should aim for.

Do you feel like you do more for your kids than he does for yours?

I would match his effort and not go to extra effort for his kids. Also take your own child out and let DP entertain his own.

What kinds of things are you doing that make you feel like a slave?

What does your partner have to say about the situation? In all honesty he should be the one to be doing the bulk of caring for his children, and parenting them. Part of parenting his children means he should be ensuring they are at least polite and courteous to you. If they aren't, your partner should be disciplining them accordingly. Being polite is basic manners. No, he can't make them like you, but they shouldn't be disrespectful towards you.

You know that you shouldn't have reacted to your partner's daughter in that way, because you are playing straight into his ex's hands. Sadly, all it will do is confirm to his daughter's that you are indeed the 'wicked witch' that their Mum says you are.

I do appreciate that keeping quiet, is very difficult and you lost your temper. Your feelings are absolutely valid and understandable.

This situation lays very firmly at your partner and his ex. His ex is using the children to stir up problems, which is never acceptable. As usual it's the poor children who end up caught up in the middle. Your partner should be dealing with the situation, by speaking to his ex and making sure his children are at least being polite.

I agree. Put your own child first and end this horrible situation.

Blended families are only ever about the adults!
they do not work

your partner and you need to be on the same page. He needs to back you and you back him in front of all the kids.

I would also try not to say what you did say and meet your SD comments about you now bong her mother with something along the lines of “correct you am not your mother, however I am an adult who cares for you and deserve respect from you like I give to you and like you give to your teachers etc”

It's a valid question though. This is what happens when you force a bunch of strangers to live in the same home to satisfy the sexual urges of the grown ups.

Why do people ask idiotic questions like this.
Bore off!

DPs judgment of having children with such a woman and leaving his children with this woman, even part of the time.
If the woman is a criminal then surely your DP, their Father, needs to remove the DC pronto.

It's about time we had another name for 'blended families' - they are usually anything but, it's a total lie.

It's not idiotic, it's perfectly valid.

OP wouldn't be in the situation she is now if she hadn't rushed her little kids into living with a bunch of strangers.

Exactly

Your frustration is not at the child, it is at your partner because he is a dad who is willing to pass his children from one women to another instead of parenting them himself.

If it was me I’d want to focus solely on my own DC and keep them away from any complex situation like this.

Being a mum is hard enough. You dont have to be a step parent.

I am not a step parent but I’ve had step parents for a lot of my life. I know I was horrible to my step mum sometimes when I was 8. My mum never even slagged her off, my mum and her actually get on okay. Looking back I don’t know how she didn’t snap.

I do think you should say sorry to the child. I’ve snapped at my own kids btw, people on mumsnet act like they’ve never snapped at their kids but we all have. The important thing is that you apologise and explain why you did it “when you say hurtful things like that it makes me feel like you don’t appreciate all the things I do and how much effort me and your dad put into you having a good time” ect.

Also… your husband needs to step up and do some housework to take care of his children. As other posters have said.

This basically… why? I never understood it. People have the choice to date men without children yet choose dads and whinge about the horrors of being a stepparent. It sounds miserable but like it always has been, yet you stuck around and even moved in with him. Why?

Yet another example of a toxic, 'blended' attempt at a family. FGS put the feelings of the very young children first, and your own needs second.

I would think twice about dating a man with such young kids. In many cases it doesnt say much for his character

@PurpleSalem either end this relationship or only see him when he hasn’t got his kids

he should be doing the work for them, not you.

i don’t blame you at all. This is mostly of the exes making and will only get worse!

the ex is the reason you end this. The dp is the second reason because he’s not dealing with this and nipping it in the bud.

I’ve got a dp with a formerly combative ex, it’s ruined the relationship I had with his youngest daughter. Luckily all adults now so i can leave DP to it when he’s seeing her. She may come around in time. Who knows.

but you’re in the deepest of weeds

walk away.

@Northermcharn
’mangled’ may be more apt.

It's a Daddy doesn't do his job properly scenario. It's His problem, what is he doing? Just because you are female doesn't mean you do all the parenting when together.

You and your life are worth far more than this. Leave and be happy.

Get out and prioritise your own child or live to regret it.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to not enjoy being a step mum, it can be pretty thankless.
I have a 16 year old stepdaughter who has been in my life since age 5, I remember around age 9-11, she became quite snappy/unwelcoming to me. I dealt with it by backing off.. After all she wasn’t there to see me she was there to see her dad.
What it really boiled down to was a little girl who wanted her mum and dad together, it’s not personal and we get on great now… I think helped by the fact her mum has always been lovely to me and encouraged a relationship.
Your problem is your dealing with two crap parents and these kids are stuck in the middle. Why did your boyfriend have a second child with a woman who smokes drugs, he should be protecting his children but instead he’s walked away and you have stepped in to this mess, if I where you I’d end things with him.

@PurpleSalem

YABU and YANBU at the same time. YANBU to not like the way things are vs the way you'd like them, but YABU to stay be unhappy. The problem is, there is nothing you can do to change things. Your DP would need to do that and it sounds as if he doesn't feel things need to change. And the ex is beyond either of your control. Now, I'm not saying whether you're right or wrong in wanting things to change, just that you aren't going to be able to effectuate it.

Perhaps you're not cut out to be a step-mum and there's nothing wrong with that! I knew it from my early 20s and as a result I never dated men with children. It wouldn't have been fair to me, to him, or to them.

The thing is, you aren't going to change the ex, the DSC, or your partner. So your choice is to live in unhappiness in a chaotic home (which will affect your own child) or to move out or ask him to leave if it's your home. If he is willing to live apart but continue the relationship without involving his children or trying to involve them again in a few years when they're older, fine. But if he isn't, that's fine too because it's quite possible that he was looking for a 'nanny with a fanny' and if not, chances are nothing is going to change as far as the ex and his DC go.

This. Let your husband deal with his kids. Do something nice with yours.

My point is, if he’s expected to domestically help and parent this step daughter, then she’s perfectly entitled to point out her bad behaviour.