The only way to overcome anxiety is through exposure

[Passaggressfedup]

I recently overcome a massive anxiety of mine. I feel so liberated and proud. It has made me think of the other significant anxiety triggers I experienced in life and concluded that all have been overcome through regular, controlled exposure over time.

I read so many thread about children or young people experiencing anxiety, where the parent has opted to take the child away from the situation thinking it is what's best for them.

I appreciate that there was some specific instances where removal is the for the best, but aren't we, as a society, making things worse by not helping our children to face their fear so that they can not only gradually get over that particular fear, but also learn to build that sense of resilience, pride and positivity that comes with it?

Absolutely!

My DS has extreme anxiety but if I didn't make him do things he would opt out of life.

Anxieties need to be faced and dealt with. Avoiding them makes life so much harder.

Yanbu.

Totally agree, and I say that as a very anxious person. The worst thing you can do is hide from the world.

I agree. I have an 8yo with extreme anxiety for her age, vomiting, shaking, insomnia and as much as I want her to feel better and take her out of the situations causing it, I have to keep encouraging her to face up to them as what is causing her aniexty is daily life, going back to school after a break, sports competitions, etc so unless I break this cycle how will she cope with working or when a really stressful situation arises.

This is with her and her minor triggers but anyone with a major trauma would need to be dealt with differently & my heart goes out to them

I always think this is what stopped me becoming so anxiety ridden. I still have the odd moment of panic 25 years later but they are short and I worry more about people around me noticing it!

I agree to an extent but I believe anxiety has layers and it can be more complex than that. There can be multiple causes. It can also be extreme and causes physical issues. It’s really hard for parents to see their children experience extreme anxiety and then throw them into the lions den.

In my experience your method works for me, I am socially anxious with low self esteem but you’d never be able to tell. Everyone thinks I am confident and friendly. I mask a lot. I think I was born this way 🤣 Going back to the office after Covid was hard for me. BUT I now go once a week and it’s so good for me, my confidence has improved. I also got a promotion which forces me to be more well known at work. It was like ripping a plaster off and caused me a lot of stress but I did it and I love my new job.

Just to add going to the office was optional for 5 years but now it’s compulsory and I’m glad it is for that 1 day 🤣

I think you are correct in how to overcome it but it also very, very hard to do. Doubly so if it’s your child because it’s hard to see them in such a state.

CONTROLLED exposure!

The person has to be supported and it needs to be a situation assessed as safe!

We live near a stables and one field has a public footpath running through. I wouldn’t walk someone anxious about horses through it!

I do think we underestimate how much care it takes to help DC through various challenges. And how much the exposure needs to continue if the success is to be maintained.

Yes exposure helps to resolve anxiety but, there’s a very fine balance to be struck between supported exposure and someone becoming overwhelmed and being unable to cope in the moment. If pushed beyond their capacity to cope, people remember how awful/out of control they felt and become anxious about feeling anxious which can then spiral very quickly.

It’s not just a case of keeping putting someone into situations that make them anxious, it’s scaffolding support around them to hold them below their level of tolerance, being able to debrief and embed the memory of being able to cope with X and being able to titrate that exposure in a manageable way. That’s the bit that supports resilience, not being repeatedly exposed and being told you’ll cope.

I think it is true, up to a point.

On the outside you can look and say 'they aren't doing X Y Z they should face up to things and do them', but what you aren't seeing is they are already doing 'A B and C' that freak them out and use up all their capacity.

That's how it is for us with our DD anyway. She is pushing and pushing herself and over time achieves more but it probably isn't fast enough for judging onlookers.

Yanbu. I dealt with a long standing dental phobia using controlled exposure. So effective that I am now having orthodontics having been able to sort the root canals. Looking forward to having lovely teeth after 50 years!

You are correct. We are wrapping our DC in cotton wool and keep feeding their anxiety. It's going to be a disaster when they reach adulthood and are expected to just get on with it .

Absolutely. Anxiety is very treatable. I share your experience, I had bad anxiety for many years, but managed to deal with this through exposure.
But this requires effort, in many cases a huge one, from the person who suffers it.

And this is the essence of the problem - people figured out that they can get away with making no effort and get PIP, so now we have endemic of anxieties which over years do become disabilities.

Agree completely, this is why I disagree with benefits to keep people with anxiety out of work. How on earth will it help?

It depends.
I have severe anxiety but am autistic and a lot of it is a physiological response to sensory cues. Exposure to them would not and does not lessen their impact.

Didn’t work for me (I have autism) so I’ve given up and now just avoid the things that make me anxious. It’s not through want of trying or lack of therapy but just seems exposure therapy doesn’t work for me it makes it worse not better.

What kinds of thing are the parents you refer to enabling their DC to avoid, OP?

Do you mean school or exam refusal / school related anxiety and parents moving their DC, home educating, and/or seeking adjustments?

If so then YABU: schools, mental health and other services aren’t providing the kinds of therapy you’re talking about.

YANBU.

This is literally how anxiety spirals - you create a cycle of avoiding the trigger which makes it worse. The only way to break the cycle is for your brain to learn that the trigger doesnt need it to go into fight or flight and the only way to do that is to expose yourself to it.

If you do anything often enough it becomes boring and non eventful. Same with anxiety triggers. Of course, noone is saying it's easy but it is a simple and effective process. Also, the way its done matters - if you simply plonk yourself in a stressful situation it can make it worse but when its done properly its highly effective.

My niece doesn’t go to school. Her school have been amazing with her, and she has had all the support in the world. She just won’t go.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Yes exposure helps to resolve anxiety but, there’s a very fine balance to be struck between supported exposure and someone becoming overwhelmed and being unable to cope in the moment. If pushed beyond their capacity to cope, people remember how awful/out of control they felt and become anxious about feeling anxious which can then spiral very quickly.

Agree. Anxiety does need to be faced. Avoiding something that scares you is only ultimately going to make people more anxious.

But a brutal “get on with it” approach in someone with severe anxiety is just going to trigger panic and withdrawal. It’s about a supportive and gradual process of building someone’s confidence.

I don't agree because the relief is normal and expected afterwards but it's only until the next time, the solution is developing tools to ground and dismantle the anxiety. Sometimes you are anxious and you have to do the thing anyway thrrr is no avoiding it. there is relief afterwards but you had to do it anyway and were anxious all along. If you haven't learnt tools to 'talk yourself down' it will arise again, the anxiety pattern and reaction hasn't gone. If you mean phobias gone after exposure then yes probably but anxiety will keep resurfacing if not about X it will soon be about Y.
As far as pushing children I pushed my child to keep going climbing this wall in Kidzania and she still tells me what a terrible mummy I am for pressuring her to keep going up. This was 7 years ago! And she hates climbing now.

Forcing children to just face things without tools before and after is just cruel, anxiety doesn't even have to be about a specific thing to face like a phobia. I find CBT, arts or creativity in general, being in nature, journaling and exercise hugely helpful.

Oh that's easy, considerable childhood trauma, GCSE schooling years academic pressure, Covid, and a few other factors all combining simultaneously in a perfect storm.

But thanks for the judgement.

sorry she and her family are in that situation. Hope she continues to get good services from school and NHS.

Mental health is complicated. it’s not as simple as ‘just get on with it’, even with great professional support, and most DC don’t get that.