Page 2 | The only way to overcome anxiety is through exposure

Passaggressfedup · 2026-05-04T06:28:00+00:00

I recently overcome a massive anxiety of mine. I feel so liberated and proud. It has made me think of the other significant anxiety triggers I experienced in life and concluded that all have been overcome through regular, controlled exposure over time. I read so many thread about children or young people experiencing anxiety, where the parent has opted to take the child away from the situation thinking it is what's best for them. I appreciate that there was some specific instances where removal is the for the best, but aren't we, as a society, making things worse by not helping our children to face their fear so that they can not only gradually get over that particular fear, but also learn to build that sense of resilience, pride and positivity that comes with it?

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:01

nearlylovemyusername · 04/05/2026 07:51

Absolutely. Anxiety is very treatable. I share your experience, I had bad anxiety for many years, but managed to deal with this through exposure.
But this requires effort, in many cases a huge one, from the person who suffers it.

And this is the essence of the problem - people figured out that they can get away with making no effort and get PIP, so now we have endemic of anxieties which over years do become disabilities.

Oh dear ignorance at its best. It’s not treatable for all.Receiving PIP does not mean no effort has been made.

My dd is ND, suffers hugely with anxiety and yes gets PIP. Mis management and forcing into situations causes extreme reactions and has resulted in CPTSD. She has had a lot of intensive treatment from skilled professionals and we have learnt that careful balancing of her anxieties is key- not exposure.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:02

My anxiety is caused by a violent rape.

would I be cured if I got raped more often?

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:02

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 04/05/2026 07:39

Totally agree, and I say that as a very anxious person. The worst thing you can do is hide from the world.

I think is also depends on the underlying reason for the anxiety. If it’s the fear of something new or unfamiliar, exposure can help. If there’s a particular reason an activity causes anxiety (eg bullied at work, making a significant mistake) simply putting them in the situation without dealing with the root cause will make things worse.

I’d also say it’s pretty rare for there not to be something underlying anxiety beyond just feeling anxious. It can take a lot of careful unpicking, because often the individual can’t actually remember how it started, or can’t make the links themselves. It’s far too simplistic to think mere exposure is the answer - if that were the case many therapists would be out of business.

Getmeacoffeenow · 04/05/2026 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Didn’t take long for the thread to turn nasty. AIBU is not an excuse to be harsh, I’m sick of it.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:07

If so then YABU: schools, mental health and other services aren’t providing the kinds of therapy you’re talking about
I personally believe this is the role of parents. It's not therapy. It's parenting. It has to be controlled exposure. It has to be at the right speed and right level of exposure. Sometimes you get it wrong and have to take a step back. That's ok. You can't get it right every time, but the key part is not to give up.

Ultimately, even well controlled, each step is unpleasant...until you've done it, and pride and confidence overtakes the bad feelings. That motivates for the next step.

I guess many parents don't have the skills to help their children. It's also hard work, time and emotionally consuming. However, this is one of the best gift we can give our children because they will gradually also learn to do it for themselves.

I think CAMHS and other agencies would benefit from investing in courses for parents. The question is whether parents actually want to learn how to help their kids or do they indeed believe it's not their responsibility?

OP posts:

DiscoBeat · 04/05/2026 08:08

Completely agree - although how that exposure is managed is obviously key. Eg suggesting drawing spiders with a child rather than signing them up to I'm A Celebrity. The wrong way could definitely make it worse.

Maray1967 · 04/05/2026 08:10

Some of us ‘just get on with it’ because we were brought up with a very strong sense of how unacceptable it is to let people down. If you had that kind of upbringing it is like a superpower - it doesn’t occur to you to bail out and not go to work etc. I worked a full day after our second ivf failure. I couldn’t wear contact lenses as my eyes were so sore from the crying the previous evening. I made up a story about having forgotten to neutralise the contact lens solution and got through a full day of teaching, meetings, dissertation supervisions. It didn’t even end at night as I was scheduled to lead a Lent prayer group in someone’s house. I turned up and did it. Later on when people found out, I literally didn’t have one person tell me they would have done the same. Everyone told me I should have called in sick. But it never occurred to me to do so. Nothing bad happened. It was tough, but I got through it. Years later I had to deal with an external inspection at work - very scary in some ways as the then boss was not the type to forgive a bad departmental outcome. Again, I just got on with it, despite actually feeling slightly sick before the first meeting.

I’ve tried to instil a strong sense of responsibility to others in my DC as I’m convinced it actually is very helpful to the person themselves. Don’t necessarily prioritise your feelings - remember your responsibility to others. If some of my students over the years had had a similar attitude it would have served them much better than the upbringing they appear to have had where it was fine to bail out when things get tough or challenging.

Getmeacoffeenow · 04/05/2026 08:11

DiscoBeat · 04/05/2026 08:08

Completely agree - although how that exposure is managed is obviously key. Eg suggesting drawing spiders with a child rather than signing them up to I'm A Celebrity. The wrong way could definitely make it worse.

Regarding spiders and wasps and things. I think this fear is often handed down from parents.

So many grown adults screech when a wasp comes near them or can’t cope with a spider in their house and their kids copy that.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:11

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:07

If so then YABU: schools, mental health and other services aren’t providing the kinds of therapy you’re talking about
I personally believe this is the role of parents. It's not therapy. It's parenting. It has to be controlled exposure. It has to be at the right speed and right level of exposure. Sometimes you get it wrong and have to take a step back. That's ok. You can't get it right every time, but the key part is not to give up.

Ultimately, even well controlled, each step is unpleasant...until you've done it, and pride and confidence overtakes the bad feelings. That motivates for the next step.

I guess many parents don't have the skills to help their children. It's also hard work, time and emotionally consuming. However, this is one of the best gift we can give our children because they will gradually also learn to do it for themselves.

I think CAMHS and other agencies would benefit from investing in courses for parents. The question is whether parents actually want to learn how to help their kids or do they indeed believe it's not their responsibility?

How do you propose to expose people to triggers that are rooted in abuse?

For me, my triggers are around my rape.

i have had lots of therapy but my triggers are involuntary.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:11

She has had a lot of intensive treatment from skilled professionals and we have learnt that careful balancing of her anxieties is key- not exposure
I still believe exposure is the only way to properly get to a point where you are freed from anxiety, but exposure needs to be well managed. It's an individual process. If exposure causes trauma, then that exposure was too much at that time and needs to be taken back. Again, the key is not to give up.

OP posts:

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:12

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:07

If so then YABU: schools, mental health and other services aren’t providing the kinds of therapy you’re talking about
I personally believe this is the role of parents. It's not therapy. It's parenting. It has to be controlled exposure. It has to be at the right speed and right level of exposure. Sometimes you get it wrong and have to take a step back. That's ok. You can't get it right every time, but the key part is not to give up.

Ultimately, even well controlled, each step is unpleasant...until you've done it, and pride and confidence overtakes the bad feelings. That motivates for the next step.

I guess many parents don't have the skills to help their children. It's also hard work, time and emotionally consuming. However, this is one of the best gift we can give our children because they will gradually also learn to do it for themselves.

I think CAMHS and other agencies would benefit from investing in courses for parents. The question is whether parents actually want to learn how to help their kids or do they indeed believe it's not their responsibility?

Sorry but your arm chair psycology is quite dangerous.

”Ultimately, even well controlled, each step is unpleasant...until you've done it, and pride and confidence overtakes the bad feelings. That motivates for the next step.”Nope not at all, quite the reverse actually.

Did all that and it made my ND worse, far worse. All of them have had significant MH problems and the right skilled therapy has literally been life changing.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:13

Also. Pride and confidence? Really?

im a bit surprised because that’s not my experience. I’d be interested to know what your therapist has said and advised?

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:13

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:11

She has had a lot of intensive treatment from skilled professionals and we have learnt that careful balancing of her anxieties is key- not exposure
I still believe exposure is the only way to properly get to a point where you are freed from anxiety, but exposure needs to be well managed. It's an individual process. If exposure causes trauma, then that exposure was too much at that time and needs to be taken back. Again, the key is not to give up.

Nope you are wrong, sorry stick to the day job .

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:14

Oh behave, I’m more equipped than most to support my children, my DD has still had 3 months off school due to very high levels of anxiety. She’s just gone back but it’s been a good year of work with her starting long before she felt unable to go, and culminating in me taking the pressure off for a while to give her space to recover and to work with what was underlying the anxiety.

Its all well a good to have a smug “well parents must just not know how to help their kids”, but anxiety needs careful support and management if it’s not to become a life long issue. I’d rather my DD was genuinely able to cope than mask her way through life in the name of just getting in with it.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:14

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:11

She has had a lot of intensive treatment from skilled professionals and we have learnt that careful balancing of her anxieties is key- not exposure
I still believe exposure is the only way to properly get to a point where you are freed from anxiety, but exposure needs to be well managed. It's an individual process. If exposure causes trauma, then that exposure was too much at that time and needs to be taken back. Again, the key is not to give up.

So in your expert opinion, exposure to repeated violent rapes would help me?

CoffeeNDogs · 04/05/2026 08:15

TeenToTwenties · 04/05/2026 07:58

Oh that's easy, considerable childhood trauma, GCSE schooling years academic pressure, Covid, and a few other factors all combining simultaneously in a perfect storm.

But thanks for the judgement.

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There is a whole generation that suffers from GCSE schooling years academic pressure and Covid . Sadly, that's not unique or unusual. I have a DC that was dropped like a hot potato when it was clear they wouldn't sit exams....

I think the childhood trauma and a few other factors should not be underestimated, but at the same time that's her story and she will have to learn to come to terms with it. Its not going to go away. She obviously has you to fight her corner so teach her to make the most of life and not dwell to much on a past that can't be changed.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:16

How do you propose to expose people to triggers that are rooted in abuse?
Totally depends on the abuse, by whom, and how the anxiety is triggered is expressing itself.

It's about learning that you can be exposed to a similar initial situation without getting the same outcome. Your brain gradually break the link between trigger and outcome.

I get it's a similar process to immunology for severe allergies. Our body has learnt to automatically respond excessively to a trigger. We can't control it. Immunology introduces the allergen very gradually in a way that our body learns that it is okay and not a danger. Most immunology treatment takes at least 3 years. Exposure is rarely a quick process.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:17

Maray1967 · 04/05/2026 08:10

Some of us ‘just get on with it’ because we were brought up with a very strong sense of how unacceptable it is to let people down. If you had that kind of upbringing it is like a superpower - it doesn’t occur to you to bail out and not go to work etc. I worked a full day after our second ivf failure. I couldn’t wear contact lenses as my eyes were so sore from the crying the previous evening. I made up a story about having forgotten to neutralise the contact lens solution and got through a full day of teaching, meetings, dissertation supervisions. It didn’t even end at night as I was scheduled to lead a Lent prayer group in someone’s house. I turned up and did it. Later on when people found out, I literally didn’t have one person tell me they would have done the same. Everyone told me I should have called in sick. But it never occurred to me to do so. Nothing bad happened. It was tough, but I got through it. Years later I had to deal with an external inspection at work - very scary in some ways as the then boss was not the type to forgive a bad departmental outcome. Again, I just got on with it, despite actually feeling slightly sick before the first meeting.

I’ve tried to instil a strong sense of responsibility to others in my DC as I’m convinced it actually is very helpful to the person themselves. Don’t necessarily prioritise your feelings - remember your responsibility to others. If some of my students over the years had had a similar attitude it would have served them much better than the upbringing they appear to have had where it was fine to bail out when things get tough or challenging.

You really think that’s the actions of a mentally healthy adult?

Yes it’s important to be able to cope with adversity, it’s also important to know when to stop and take care of yourself.

Iriseee · 04/05/2026 08:17

I'm not sure if a phobia is the same as anxiety but I'm exposed to spiders every time I open my garage and I'm in there daily. I still feel extremely frightened of them and will absolutely freak out if one crawls on me. This is because of what happened when I was younger. Same with dogs. I've had lots of exposure to large dogs so I can be around them but I still feel extremely anxious. Public speaking is the same, I've done tons of it and it has made it easier but I still feel anxious when I do it.

Basically I agree with your main point but you can just "get on with it" and still be anxious.

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:17

Maray1967 · 04/05/2026 08:10

Some of us ‘just get on with it’ because we were brought up with a very strong sense of how unacceptable it is to let people down. If you had that kind of upbringing it is like a superpower - it doesn’t occur to you to bail out and not go to work etc. I worked a full day after our second ivf failure. I couldn’t wear contact lenses as my eyes were so sore from the crying the previous evening. I made up a story about having forgotten to neutralise the contact lens solution and got through a full day of teaching, meetings, dissertation supervisions. It didn’t even end at night as I was scheduled to lead a Lent prayer group in someone’s house. I turned up and did it. Later on when people found out, I literally didn’t have one person tell me they would have done the same. Everyone told me I should have called in sick. But it never occurred to me to do so. Nothing bad happened. It was tough, but I got through it. Years later I had to deal with an external inspection at work - very scary in some ways as the then boss was not the type to forgive a bad departmental outcome. Again, I just got on with it, despite actually feeling slightly sick before the first meeting.

I’ve tried to instil a strong sense of responsibility to others in my DC as I’m convinced it actually is very helpful to the person themselves. Don’t necessarily prioritise your feelings - remember your responsibility to others. If some of my students over the years had had a similar attitude it would have served them much better than the upbringing they appear to have had where it was fine to bail out when things get tough or challenging.

I had the same type of upbringing. I tried to instill the same in my children and alongside other factors caused a huge amount of damage. They have had to learn exactly the reverse to get well.

Achi11ia · 04/05/2026 08:17

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2026 08:17

You really think that’s the actions of a mentally healthy adult?

Yes it’s important to be able to cope with adversity, it’s also important to know when to stop and take care of yourself.

Show quote history

Exactly this!

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 04/05/2026 08:19

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:02

My anxiety is caused by a violent rape.

would I be cured if I got raped more often?

I’m so sorry that you went through that and still feel vulnerable. It’s hard to express how destructive those kinds of experiences can be. Me too, though sort of non violent, if there is such a thing.
My reaction was the classic opposite of anxiety though- putting myself in dangerous places, trying to reclaim control. I could have done with someone supportive helping me find a safer path.

It’s how to address anxiety that is out of proportion to the danger, I think. Walking to the post box in daylight with a friend should be safe and therefore not cause anxiety. That’s the kind of exposure the OP means.

Original poster

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:19

Also. Pride and confidence? Really?
That's what most people I know have said they feel when they are able to do something they once feared badly. Why are you surprised?

Nope you are wrong, sorry stick to the day job
I don't think I'm wrong. You are free to disagree. Not sure why the need for rudeness though!

OP posts:

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:19

Passaggressfedup · 04/05/2026 08:16

How do you propose to expose people to triggers that are rooted in abuse?
Totally depends on the abuse, by whom, and how the anxiety is triggered is expressing itself.

It's about learning that you can be exposed to a similar initial situation without getting the same outcome. Your brain gradually break the link between trigger and outcome.

I get it's a similar process to immunology for severe allergies. Our body has learnt to automatically respond excessively to a trigger. We can't control it. Immunology introduces the allergen very gradually in a way that our body learns that it is okay and not a danger. Most immunology treatment takes at least 3 years. Exposure is rarely a quick process.

Frankly, yo have no clue.

Taztoy · 04/05/2026 08:20

So I’m supposed to be so violently raped that I can’t describe it here because it’s too upsetting for others to read. Every day for three years.

yeah right.