Stick your fundraiser - the hardest test will be leaving my children for so long

[LifeIsAMeatball]

I’m yet again avoiding a community fundraiser for a man’s ego. He’s cycling Africa with some friends. It’ll be tough but the hardest bit “will be not seeing his kids for three or four months.”

Give me strength. I’ve already had to endure years of the group of school dads who spent every summer on the lads “fundraising trips” - Lands End to John O’Groats, London to Paris, Africa (yeah, it’s been done already), cross Europe, some of Europe that’s a bit vague but conveniently ends in Ibiza during party season.

I’m assertive enough to say no but these things get the whole community behind them. You can’t go to the pub, shop, hairdressers or even the bloody dog groomers without someone rattling a tin for the local hero.

Meanwhile, there’s yet another woman at home about to solo parent with no plaudits - and would she even dare to argue her lot given the whole community thinks he is amazing?

This particular fine specimen enjoys free drinks at the pub to celebrate him before he leaves in 3 weeks. His wife is at home with a four week old, a 3 year old with additional needs and a six year old.

More fool her for putting up with it.

My colleagues DH did this, bit of a mid life crisis. He died on the trip. Poor woman was then stuck with horrible mixes of emotions because she was so angry at his selfishness but so sad that he's gone and left his lovely DC fatherless.

I’m surprised it got to page four before someone blamed her

I think in many ways it’s a two pronged discussion; there is the element of leaving young children behind (and the wording of it, as if he has no choice in the matter) and the requests for money for something that’s effectively a holiday.

Maybe it really is time to call out ‘sponsorships’; no one ‘needs’ to ride a bike or walk or run for charity. It’s silly and pointless.

Not "blaming" her, just saying she is a fool to allow it. I would have shut this shit down at the fIrst discussion.

Reverse that and you'd be in for a lot of criticism. You can't allow or ban your spouse from doing things. You just hope they're not as thoughtless. What do you do when they are? And they frame it around helping others. Not an easy situation to navigate.

As I said on the other thread, event fundraising is really important to charities. But why not a UK event where the travel costs would be much more proportionate? You can get to Lands End via train and a public bus and I imagine the same at John O’Groats. The environmental impact is fairly low and you would be spending money in local, non-tourist areas due to the need to stay close to the route.

As soon as someone proposes getting on a plane and using their passport to raise money for charity my eyebrows start to rise…

On the topic of leaving family behind I did used to wonder how Mrs Peake felt about it all, what with her DH up gadding around in space and leaving her to look after their two little boys by herself. I know he is supposed to be lovely and a national hero, but still…

Have they actually made a difference with the money they have raised or it is mostly to fund these trips.

God that's so bleak. That poor woman and kids.

I completely agree, OP. I also can't believe his work gave him paid leave for this! And it's not just the trip itself but the months of training rides, preparation etc. I know these kinds of events do raise a lot for charity but is he really raising that much more doing this trip than a UK based one?

The question of who can do these trips is also very much not equal in terms of age, gender, wealth, disability, class. So the people who get the glory are often from certain types. Most of the people keeping the lights on at charities for no recognition are poorly paid women.

So you’re not blaming her but insulting her. That’s OK then

I would expect MN of all places to realise that a woman with children who were probably aged five and two at the time, with additional needs thrown into the mix and pregnant, is probably not in a strong position to be giving ultimatums and laying down the law.

my children do not have additional needs (as far as I know) and I am (thankfully) not pregnant but even so with children that young life can just be about getting through one day to the next.

I would be interested in statistics on divorce and separation in parents of children under five actually.

More generally, I do think MN massively underestimates what a huge thing it is to break up a family unit.

This whole thread is hilarious! Unless OP is his wife, how does she know what his wife feels! Typical MumsNet bashing a man, perhaps it’s time to call the ManbashingNet! If it was a man posting about his wife going and doing this he’d be absolutely slated! If his wife and employers are happy for him to do this it’s nobody else’s business!

I am not sponsoring other people's holidays either - we have an amazing local charity I give regularly too, small amounts. I am so emotionally connected to that charity that giving even small amounts to other charities feels like I am stealing from it. I know, it is weird.

This is just an example and doesn’t imply that anyone else is acting in the same way, but this is the kind of fundraising irregularity that can occur when someone is doing a solo challenge of this kind. Not good at all and horrible for the bereaved mother to be apparently so let down by this man.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgnx26kwgo

I completely agree , it's not like he's been conscripted. This kind of thing screams narcissism.

It’s a Catholic church, I don't mind giving donations (although at the time our children were very young and we were living on one wage so didn't have a-lot of spare money)
It doesn't feel right when its the same well off families grabbing these opportunities, promoting their children when they could afford to send them without the donations.

Thats an interesting link…..!

If we went back to paying after the event had been completed it might put off these adventurers and encourage the genuine fund raisers-the litter pickers, the grass mowers and so on.

Well he's a selfish bastard for leaving his DC for so long, and his wife alone to parent them. More fool her though for having another baby with the selfish prick, especially if he's done this several times before. I'd have divorced him, not got pregnant by him. He must have a very generous and forgiving employer if they can afford to lose an employee for a third of the year. Makes you wonder what value he brings to that company if they don't miss him.

But they’ve made it everyone’s business by asking for money.
MN is full of opinions - why are you so bothered about this one?

On the topic of leaving family behind I did used to wonder how Mrs Peake felt about it all, what with her DH up gadding around in space and leaving her to look after their two little boys by herself. I know he is supposed to be lovely and a national hero, but still…

The mountaineer Alison Hargreaves left two children behind while she went off climbing K2 and was killed aged 33. Do you feel the same way about her?

But you can make decisions based on his actions.

You sound lovely…

A friend of mine goes on loads of incredible trips for up to a month at a time. He has a partner but no kids. She loves the time apart and says it really works for them. However, he has skills that are needed for the trip so doesn't have to pay for it. He also saves a lot to go on other trips as does she. I wouldn't donate to a fundraiser. That's wild.

Well maybe it’s because raising children never attracts rapturous applause in the same way a man can for playing with his bike fo 4 months. And. To add insult he’s on a jolly whilst she does all the child care. I can’t imagine, for fear of vomit, the hero’s welcome he’ll get for simply returning to his actually fucking job, of taking care of his children! Pathetic little gobshite.

Reverse it and the comments would be very similar but with a lot more upset about the baby being left for so long. If you think women get less criticism than men about leaving their kids then you're not paying much attention.

I cringe every time I see one of these ding-dongs on the local news. “I’ve cycled all the way from John O’Groats dressed as a chicken” - so what!!!

Not insulting her at all 🙄Just saying I wouldn't put up with it. This is not a small blip, this is months away from his young children disguised as 'charity' when he is just taking a break from any kind of responsibility. You might put up with that, I wouldn't.