AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

"Cultural differences and expectations need to be respected."

The SIL's culture needs to be respected, but not OP's culture?

I think so. I have a few nieces and nephews and the one I could take or leave is the one with the highly strung parents that wouldn't let me hold them ever

totally agree with this. Wouldn't being held by other people help the baby to build immunities. I think babies are a lot hardier than people think.

I voted YABU and want to explain why! I know several families who've done something like this, and there usually a couple of common factors: someone in the family circle is unvaxxed or someone they simply don't want around the baby (ranging from smoker, people with school age kids they worry will bring RSV etc, to creeps and boundary pushers), and its easier to have a blanket rule than single out the one or two they think will be an issue. This is super common advice in due date groups when someone is worrying about postpartum issues and who might trigger them.

Yes, it might seem extreme, but becoming a parent is a pretty extreme time. Good on them for trying to manage it however they see fit. If you stand back and be supportive, you might find you're welcomed in earlier than expected when things get hard.

So less you are unreasonable for thinking they're being bonkers, but more they are being reasonable for starting to practice advocating for their kid from the start (for context, I had my baby mostly alone abroad, and while some days I'd have loved help, the most common comment I got from older mothers was along the lines of how nice not to have to entertain visitors or watch people you don't like hold your baby!)

Can Gen Z say the same about older age groups or is that ageism?

Honestly I don’t understand the obsession with holding other people’s babies.

I know of very young babies who have been hospitalised with RSV after grandparent visits. While you’re pregnant and soon after birth, you’re constantly told how vulnerable the baby is in the first, second, third month.

The parents’ comfort and the baby’s safety is really the only thing that matters. I’m sure she knows she’s being very protective and that you’ll all think she’s being unreasonable, but she’s made a decision. New mums need support, not judgement.

Agree that it's probably this. Better to impose a blanket rule than cause loads of aggro with an antivax or unhygienic family member

Those poor grandparents 😢

Not unreasonable to think this - in real life I don't know anyone who has such or has had such rigid rules about their newborns, but it seems to be all over social media and on MN as well.

And I'm sorry, but what a stupid thing to say - "what difference does it make to your life?" Well, none physically, but as social animals, and you only have to read the many, many threads on here and other SM about how people feel upset and slighted something like this happens, and how it erodes relationships massively.

Im so glad none of my family or friends where like this. I absolutely loved seeing people bond and fall in love with my babies its just such a special time.

My niece was five at the time and was quite agitated about it, pressing me to take DD to the loo block and wash her. I explained that the cowpat was like dust, that it was nowhere near DD's face, that had it been liquid I would have washed her immediately, and that she would have a bath when we got home. My sister-in-law did once say to me that she thought she had made her children fussy eaters by being over-zealous in immediately cleaning every morsel of food off them when they were being weaned. My photos from the weaning era show DD with the entire lower half of her face covered in pasta sauce (homemade 😃).

There are plenty of parents born post-1996 who don't do this, and some before who have equally strict rules. It's not a "Gen Z thing". It's an individual couple thing.

My in-laws didn't hold my kids until they were nearly a year old - MIL had MS and worried, FIL wasn't big on tiny kids. They still developed great relationships. Other family visited, cooed for bit, chatted, but not much of others holding the baby. I get the desire and how in some communities, it's the norm, but the rhetoric that no bond can develop over this rule are more OTT than the parents. Plenty of people have family so far apart that they don't meet until the baby is several months old or longer down the line, they can still grow wonderful, close relationships.

My baby was born 8 weeks early and 3.5lbs, he was in SCBU for 3 weeks and as soon as he was 4lbs we could take him home and we were specifically told to treat him as normal. There was no talk of no touching, kissing etc. It's a wonder he made it to 25 given he was passed round every member of the family for a cuddle.

I was just coming on to same the same. It was so lovely to see my parents, my husband's parents and our close family and friends hold and love our baby and I cherish the photos and memories now, almost 21 years later.

I can understand the need to protect a prem or unwell newborn, but for a healthy newborn- nonsense. What happened to it takes a village to raise a child?

My db and sil were like this. Didn’t tell anyone they were in labour, put us off visting for 2 weeks, very strict and over the top. I found out the baby was born and his name on a Facebook post! They really pushed everyone away until the baby was 1 yo.
I understand not wanting lots of visitors and your baby passed around, but it really was ridiculous. My db was waiting in the corridor when my child was born so I think he just went along with it.
Now my db and sils baby is nearly 2, they’re after babysitters constantly, so they really only want family around them now it suits them.
Social media really has new mothers overthinking a lot at an already vulnerable time.

A shame that instead of considering her younger sister might need reassurance or support with PND or health anxiety (or just be overly cautious as a first time mum) she’s whining on mumsnet about having to wait a few weeks to hold a baby. I can’t imagine bitching about any new mum wanting what she believes is best for her baby right after she’s gave birth, let alone a sister!

Just because someone's a new mum, doesn't mean they're right.

Six months pregnant and I’m weeping reading this 😭

My DH son and partner had a similar rule
and then were pissed of that at the end of compulsory ban no one was really interested in going to see them 😂

no one offers to baby sit for them at all as they are very very rigid in what they expect you to do

apart from her dad as he is the designated child care and he had to follow a list of rules so long I’m surprised he can ever get out of the house

we have never bothered to babysit or don’t want to because neither of us are into being treated like being treated like idiots

on the other hand DH daughter was a
“ normal relaxed parent “ perfectly happy for family and friends to visit and help out
so they get much more help from everyone
it’s a pleasure to visit them and help them out with babysitting

which annoys her brother and his partner as they feel they get more help

but actions have consequence

It’s not some kind of moral issue! New parents should just do what they want. They’re the ones adjusting to a very new phase of life. Everyone else can calm the hell down for a few weeks. The baby’s not going to go off, like milk left out of the fridge.

The people your DH’s son and partner have around them must be unpleasantly petty. How unfortunate for them.

Exactly!! The people who are all "actions have consequences" who are planning to hold this against them for the next 18 years are probably the ones being weeded out anyway......

"New parents should just do what they want."

Um, shouldn't they do what's best for the baby and for their family as a whole?
What they want...you mean, within reason?

I’m on my way to my forth kid and mine where all out of the house by day 2 shopping going out for lunch and meeting new people and tehywvre all January and February babies . Last one we took her at day 2 to pick up the big sister from school and every kid in her class had a cuddle .
I don’t think people realise germs are part of life and healthy immune system .

There is no “right” or “wrong” in this scenario. Just parents with different preferences on how they want their newborn to be handled, to which they have every right.