AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

Just go with it, it's no big deal, it's just helping mum x

You've obviously never sat in hospital with your 16 week old baby on a ventilator with RSV being told unfortunately it could go 'either way'.
I wish I had been more strict and told people to not come round or try and pressure me into holding my baby just because they wanted to and they were 'family'

Another who has to assume Whoooville must be your relative.

I loved having people visit when I had my babies. Sort of reminded me how lucky they were to be born into a wonderful community of family and friends.
Yes, that was 30 odd years ago, but we now have the next generation having their dc, and all of them have been the same - keen to welcome people and very ready to let the people they love, hold the new babies and share their love.
Those that are now toddlers / small children are growing up confident around different people and have plenty of people who will visit and play with them or take them off to the park to give parents an hour to do something.
Your relatives are completely bonkers and I'm sure it will come back to bite them in their bums.

So she's BU for just saying it's OTT? She has said she's following the rules but surely she is being reasonable in expressing her frustration??

My close family held my babies when they were newborn and I'd be incredibily hurt if my children wouldn't let me hold their babies one day. I can understand not wanting a wider audience to hold baby but immediate relatives it seems odd unless there is some kind of illness going around.

I wouldn't visit until the first birthday and then let it be known why.

I wish I could have done this - DD1 literally screamed the place down if I wasn't holding her from the off and she was peristant - but no-one accepted that so she and I got upset by everyone wanting to prove us wrong and hold her and then getting nasty when it didn't work. She much later turned out to have ADHD and a lot of sensory issues.

Next one could be handed over to anyone - so first was all my fault - then third was like first.

So maybe it's the baby - or pnd casuing additional anxiety - or maybe some vistors have visted when ill (had that happen) - but it is an unusual request.

I wonder if this is much like wedding whee mothers / mother in laws get over involved because their mothers / mother in laws did. So it’s expected that the next generation just put up and take their turn.

But the new generation say fuck that!

Just because people forced they way in or guilted you doesn’t mean the next generation owes you.

It’s advice from their midwife and they are sensibly following it to protect their baby from being passed around among unknown people like a cuddly toy, collecting possible bugs at a very vulnerable time. New parents need support and understanding, and new babies need to stay close to their mum. I think it’s best to wait to be asked before touching any baby. I include in that my own grandchildren.

Yeah you're being unreasonable. Because when we have a baby, the most precious thing in our lives, it is up to us the parents, how we go about parenting. What we decide might be absolutely a thousand percent not what you would do, but you must respect the wishes of each and every parent to be a parent the way they see fit.

What do people do with second and subsequent babies where ordinary life has to go on? Most people can't live in quarantine for weeks at a time? What if an essential worker has to be in the property? I know that's not going to involve cuddling the baby, but germs are everywhere.

They’re obviously uneducated and a bit messed up by social media. Lets see where they are with these theories when they have a second…

Honestly 2nd baby I was a sahm oldest wasn’t old enough for school yet.

3rd yes very much school run however there was only one parent I got her out the pram otherwise she was just fresh air in the Pram.

DH and I have seven degrees between us, including two doctorates, neither of us uses social media and we still didn’t see anyone at all for a month after we had DS.

I would worry that she has post natal depression. She's obviously an anxious mum and the dad may just be trying to support her. It's their decision anyway, better than not being worried about the baby at all.

I get no kissing baby due to cold sores etc but not actually touching them at all. Too much!!!!!

I wrote you are being unreasonable because you called some parents sanctimonious because they have different views to you. I think that’s very mean.

I do think their approach is a bit much but you don’t know what’s going on for them. They may worried about something or have some health anxiety/bad experiences.

I disagree I think it’s more if you’re welcomed to meet and cuddle a child regularly from birth you’re much more likely to use a strong bond and affinity for them as they get older. If you’re kept at arms length that feeling can sadly persist over time. If someone didn’t trust me to hold their 10 week old I certainly wouldn’t be offering to babysit when they’re a 3 year old!

Mine was hospitalised in the first month also.

unfortunately people think they are entitled to your baby. To rock up as soon as it’s born. To hold them when you’re feeling protective and tearful and to take them away when they’re crying - when all they want is their mum.

I wish I’d had been stricter.

everyone’s different and I totally respect those who want their family there asap. But we have to respect peoples views.

I also agree with this. We did let close family hold our newborn, but if we had asked them not to and the response was to consider not visiting at all for 6 months and to trash us on internet forums I would have been so shocked/hurt and would have reconsidered my relationships with them. I sympathise a bit as my mum struggled with the no kissing rule, so I know some decisions new parents make can seem unusual and hurt the feelings of relatives. But I would look at the bigger picture, your role as family is to support the new parents, who are clearly anxious and are likely feeling vulnerable in those early weeks. Be careful you/ other family members don’t damage the relationship longer term by being too focussed on your wish to hold the baby. (I have 1st hand experience of this going badly as my mum was not great to my SIL about the no kissing rule in the early days and they are now much less close as my SIL feels my mum made it all about her when my SIL just needed kindness and understanding. The whole thing is really sad as they were previously close.)

Yes its OTT probably like everything else they put their hsnd to! It's about paranoia. Control and doing what others report to be doing.l

Ohh this post has resonated with me because of a recent conversation I had regarding a young couple. Apparently midwives are now stridently advising new mothers to keep baby away from visitors. I presumed this meant for the first few days. Dad is a controlling narcissist and this advice was like manna from Heaven. Long story short; ‘baby’ is now 3 years old and the maternal grandmother has seen the baby 3 times. This advice enabled dad to prevent any friends and family from seeing mum and baby. Mother is terrified of upsetting dad. She is now completely isolated from family and friends. Grandmother is desperately worried. Oh; and the kicker - dad is in the police so she can’t report him without dire consequences.

This made me laugh because two of my nieces had sets of twins around the same time (6-8 months apart). When the kids were about 3, my one niece asked the other to watch her twins so that they could attend a wedding. My other niece was pleased to do it. When the kids arrived there were four handwritten pages (legal size) of notes, front and back of how to take care of them. It was hilarious.

I understand not kissing with a cold sore of course but no kissing at all,why? Dh used to get a lot of cold sores before he discovered Lysine and never passed them on to me or ds.

That's actually really quite sad. I understand not wanting to pass a newborn around but not even allowing grandparents to hold the baby?! My mum literally cut the cord and was one of the first people to hold my baby. It was so special to be able to share that and my parents took time off to help me when my partner returned to work. I could not have imagined banning them from holding my newborn let alone how I would have managed without their help!