AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

It’s OTT. Bet they are quick for grandparents to do childcare when the don’t want to fork out nursery fees or realise that actually it’s fucking exhausting and they need support for a bit of time off.

It's ridiculous, but it seems increasingly common these days. Their baby, their rules, though

I would have loved you visiting when I had my kids - do you hoover too?

Not extreme.
Not your baby.
Not yours, or anybody’s, right to touch or hold the baby, it’s not a toy.

Can’t say I blame them, especially if you’re the type to then come on here and make a thread bitching about them.

As long as it’s not a Henry yes 😅

As a midwife I often have this discussion with new parents, it often stems from anxiety but also I find a lot of people asking me how to stop family members ‘taking over’. You probably won’t get to the route of the problem but I always try and encourage people to consider how they would feel - that new baby they absolutely adore is the extension of the person/people that absolutely adore them and if they were to be in that position 20/30 years from now, how would they feel? With the caveat of no kissing/limit who feeds the baby. I can almost guarantee if they’ve come up with this rule there will be someone in the family they’re taking a shot at and it’s easier to make it a blanket rule.

Absolutely this!!! My DS and wife were a bit precious with first born by time second came along the dog could have washed him and slept with him. My DS was held by lots of people who came to visit and was a very sociable human. My DD not so much as I worked from home and not so many visitors second time round and she struggles more socially. Not sure if the holding as a young baby had anything to do with the difference in my 2 but like puppies its good to "socialise" babies as long as folks are careful, not carrying illness etc.

Yeah, no.
From my, and most of my friends my age (millennials) experience most of our boomer/gen x parents can’t be arsed to watch our kids anyway, yet were all too happy to ship us off to grandma when we were kids 🤔

Nobody watches my kids and if I decide I don’t want anyone touching my next baby then they can like it or lump it, I’ll expect just as little from them as they currently already give me and they can like or lump my decisions.
Not their baby, not their choice.

Simple as that.

Spot on. Also that baby needs to boost it's immune system which it won't

Baby will boost its immune system at nursery.

Some of us don’t want childcare from family 🥱 even if they offered.

God I hated my Henry...tipping over every 5 minutes, refusing to be righted with a tug and SMILING ABOUT IT!!!! 😡😡😡

I think that’s just incredibly sad. It’s not like the close relatives are asking to care for the baby - just give it a cuddle/ hold! Perfectly normal. Keeping a healthy baby away from anyone else for the first three months will possibly make it clingy ; and probably way more vulnerable to allergies/ germs. As someone said, these rules are stricter than in an isolation ward! Insanely and unnecessarily over protective.

A relative of mine did this too. Meant that when they were finally ready (and desperate) to hand baby to grandparents for a cuddle baby was having none of it. Never did. She was exhausted as no one would babysit and acted like that was normal. Both sets of grandparents got so much love and affection from other grandchildren at family gatherings and it was clear that the grandparents fear of overstepping had damaged what was previously a close relationship.

I mean there must have been a reason. And it doesn't actively hurt anyone else to respect the idea. But I don't understand it myself as I got so much pleasure out of my family cuddling my babies in hospital and soon after. They must realise that everyone thinks they're being a bit odd.

Absolutely. Used to even give me nightmares as a child with his smug look.

I blame the covid craziness. People got terrified of 'germs'. In reality, though I wouldn't allow someone who had an infectious disease to hold the baby, exposure to other people and environments is important for training the baby's immune system. But then, so many people were told (during covid) that they had no natural immunity and they learned to dismiss or mistrust the concept of the healthy immune system.

It literally does inhibit bonding.

So adoptive parents can’t bond with their children? 🙄

No, it’s a good way to end up on Mumsnet months later saying “I don’t understand why we have no family support. I’m at breaking point and my parents and PIL show no interest in their GC.”
It is normal in every society in the world for families to hold newborns. It’s basic human behaviour. They are not the weirdos

As far as I know they met people at coffee shops, etc, no one was allowed into their house. Eventually they called to our house with the baby, but it was weeks later. We were never invited to their house, despite asking several times if we could visit. The whole experience really put a dampener on what should have been a happy time.

As someone who had anxiety during my pregnancy and after having the baby due to struggles to conceive and previous pregnancy loss, I think you probably need to cut them a bit of slack as you don't know what they might be going through that is leading them to feel this way. And just for context, I am not a Gen Z person. They might have endured many ups and downs to have their baby and they are doing what feels right to them. My baby was born healthy at full term and I still did not want folks holding them or kissing them and I had rules about not visiting if anyone had the slightest hint of the sniffles.

New parents are told to trust their instincts and if this is what their instincts are telling them to do, then you have to respect that. Noone is entitled to hold a baby just because they are related, they are not a toy to be passed round and I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be throwing shade on them for having rules about their baby that maybe helps them to manage their anxiety.

I think it's crazy. I also don't see what the problem is with close family (grandparents, aunts and uncles etc) who are free of colds and other viruses dropping a kiss on the baby's head. Aren't all but first borns living with snotty-nosed siblings anyway? Good luck keeping those babies in a germ-free environment.

I do find all of this very odd. I took my oldest out to the shops at 3 days old. I had to take my oldest out at 2 days to take the oldest to school. At 4 days he was in my workplace with my colleagues having a cuddle.

I remember taking my 2 week old for a stroll and being stopped by an elderly lady who held her for about 15 minutes with literal tears in her eyes talking about her children (one had passed.) Now if an elderly person touches a babies hand in their pram people all jump to call them a boundary crossing weirdo! I don’t need to tell you who I think the actual weirdos are…

I don’t really think it’s anybody’s place to judge the pace that parents are choosing to introduce their newborn to the world. I remember being in that place with my almost 3 year old, as a new parent. It was a very anxious one. That’s not to say that I chose to introduce my baby to friends and family in the way that these parents you’re talking about are, but you must remember how nerve wracking it was. They’re just doing what they think is best for their baby.

Let new parents navigate in the way that makes sense to them. Be kind.

Just editing to say that they’ll undoubtedly relax as they gain confidence.

Oh for Christ sake, the faux naivety of this poster!

Touch is an integral part of the human experience, it bonds us and binds us.

Then you get stupid tiktok nonsense that encourages new parents to keep their community away and treat a baby like a commodity. Exerting power through their special rules. The new parents were more than happy to hold other people's babies but their is just too special.

They sound like controlling wankers.

No wonder society is fractured, not allowing people to touch a healthy baby because social media told you to is not a flex it is actively harmful and will inevitably end up causing alienation.

Poor kid having such gullible, easily led parents.