AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

Exactly I let everyone hold the baby.

That’s all they wanted. Baby. And coffee and biscuits.

Not a how am I.

My parents came with dinner and stuff. Only people that actually cared.

Jesus-poor child

Why not just be kind to a new mum and let her get comfortable with things in her own time without nasty labels?

I saw a comment on here before where someone had been told by her midwife you wouldn’t expect to be able to go and pick up a tiger cub without the mum going mad. These protective instincts are normal, and actually quite healthy.

we accept it of any other animal that they are protecting their young. But as humans we expect mums to suppress their natural feelings so Auntie Maureen that mum sees once a year at Christmas doesn’t feel left out and can have a cuddle with a newborn, she likely won’t see again for a year.

She is not a blood relative of the mother is the point i was making.

Oh and the village you apparently get because a million people come hold your baby didn’t exist once they got their cuddles and photos that was that.

We have raised our children without a village and will definitely tell me daughters and my daughter in law if I get one to do what they want to help them recover.

If they want people to wait a month then so be it. I’ll make sure I ask after the person who’s just given birth before I rush over like a baby thief. A gift for them not just some baby outfit that then comes with an expectation of photos of the baby in that outfit.

Everyone seems to just expect mothers to act like mere incubators.

Big difference between Aunty Maureen and close family and grandparents who are involved in every day life. If the new Mum wants to be an island she can't complain when people continue to follow the precedent.

Then you count the wrong people as your village. A real village is there for the long haul.

Well I mean that was our own family the very people, that posters on here expect to get first dibs. The grandparents (in law side) aunties and uncles and cousins and all that. They came for their cuddles and cups of tea and photos and left.

Im perfectly happy without a village. Just don’t buy into the lie that to get a village you hand your baby around like a party favour.

I'm sorry you had that experience. That's unfortunate. I hope that's not the common experience.

I never had much of a village either but those who visited after the baby brought meals and were a part of my every day life, so it was a normal visit with a new baby.

I mean if you can't see the difference between yourself and apes then I don't really know what to tell you.

"What the OP's brother ought to be saying to the OTT new mum is that she sounds like she needs some support. He should suggest a chat with her midwife/health visitor/GP about it as it's rational to put 3 months restrictions on welcoming a baby."

This presumes that the mother alone is making this decision. Nothing to say its not a joint decision or the father's call. Dad may not be informed enough on maternal mental health (which let's be honest many people, especially men are not) so may not be equipped to to that.

"What they don't need is downright crazy rules to be accepted and pandered to, rather than addressing the anxiety, depression, paranoia (or stupid idea from Tiktok ) behind them."

I can categorically say that when I was in that position what I needed was people to give me space and respect what I needed while getting support for my mental wellbeing. What I did not need was people landing unannounced at my door expecting me to host them when I was struggling. What you are expecting there is a mum to act like normal when she's having a hard time. Not all people want to be around others when things aren't going well and often that very much comes down to family dynamics and from learned experience.

@neatgreybiscuit I think it would be impossible to be able to study effectively given how many family members who will be held back because of their own previous behaviour towards the parents. There have already been long distance grandparents on here talking about how the delay in meeting and holding their grandchild didn't make any difference to how much they love them.

But that is so transactional for a start. You didn’t let me come round immediately so I then withhold help for the next 18 years and I am going to let how you behaved when you were recovering and in pain from a major event dictate all of my behaviour in the future.

And what about those grandparents who make it clear who say they won’t be providing childcare or support- is it fine to exclude them- on the grounds they won’t be part of the village?

if the village is truly caring and supportive they will want to support mum in the way that is best for her and baby. And if that means saving her the worry of giving RSV or flu or cold sores to her newborn then I really can’t see why it is so hard to put her first.

I really don't like the "their baby, their rules" thing, that you hear so much on Mumsnet.

A baby isn't someone's possession - you can't own anirher person. It's a whole person in its own right.

And, quite rightly, there are laws as to how one must treat a baby - it's not just 'their rules', anything the parent says goes......

Of course, what this baby's parents are doing doesn't constitute abuse at this stage, though this kind of behaviour (isolating the child and denying it appropriate developmental opportunities) can become abusive over time.

The baby needs to realise it's an independent being, separate from it's mother. It's an incremental process that starts at birth.

Surely nobody wants their baby to have separation anxiety.

All these people spitefully bleating on about how this new mum can't expect a village because people will only care about a baby that they can hold immediately are ridiculous and showing their spite at not getting their own way!

When my daughter was born I told everyone to stay away for two weeks, I didn't want anyone near me. Everyone moaned and made big dramatic plays about how it was THEIR RIGHT to see their grandchild straight away! I stood firm and I'm glad I did, those two uninterrupted weeks of just me hubs and daughter were the most precious two weeks of my life. I was recovering from a C-section, a difficult pregnancy, the aftermath of 5 IVF cycles to make it there, tongue ties and milk supply problems and just feeling completely overwhelmed and my husband was incredible, he took such good care of both of us and kept telling me I was doing a brilliant job. I've never felt so cared for and supported. He laughs now that I resented even him holding her for more than 2 minutes let alone anyone else and it's true! She was my precious baby and I couldn't stand to have her out of my arms! After two weeks when everyone came I was much more myself and ready for all the grabby grannies and god I hated the way they just wanted to pass her round and keep her off me, my husband could see the look on my face and kept bringing her back to me and they all sulked every time.

Anyway, two years on they all adore her and are still fighting eachother for her affection and competing for her favour it's excruciating at family gatherings. Safe to say they didn't all ditch her because they didn't get to hold her when she was brand new. She loves them all too but the difference now is when she's had enough she just gets up and walks off, cue more sulking from the grandparents and competing for her attention. The only people we trust to babysit her are my husband's dad and his wife, they're brilliant with her and look after her really well, they're the only ones that weren't trying to muscle in the second I was sewn up and snatch her away ironically, they said just tell us when you're ready and send photos, nothing more was said until we invited them. It's almost like the entitlement to a newborn directly correlates to selfishness and being an absolute nightmare!!! People who truly love the mother and the baby will respect what she's been through, wait until she's ready and will still love the baby anyway. A baby who is a few weeks old is not stale!!!

It's really hard to say because relationships have so many variables in them. Then there are previously good relationships that go south when a new dynamic is added, such as a grandchild. How often do we read on here that things were fine with MIL before the baby arrived?

I don't have any personal experience with this particular issue as no-one I've ever known has kept people away. In more general social experiences though, if I sense someone wants to keep me at arms length, I will give them that.

Going through phases of separation anxiety (usually at predictable ages) is normal.

Babies don't realise they are separate from their mother until 12 weeks, that's why they call it the fourth trimester. A baby belongs in its mother's arms not being passed around. That comes later when the baby has it's own immune system and is ready to be separated from mum for a short time. That time is 12 weeks!

Not being allowed to hold your grandchild isn’t a ‘fairly normal boundary’. Babies thrive through human contact and restricting that contact to parents only could have a negative effect in the baby. In addition, exposing babies to different people is also good for their immune system.
What’s happening here is all about control. A parent who is so controlling is a parent who’s not very stable.

When I had mine a million years ago the rule in the maternity unit was that nobody except the mother could hold the baby. My mum visited me and asked and I said no and cited the rule. I’ll never forget the look of hurt on her face. I so regretted it and still do decades later. It was cruel.

Big difference between two weeks and three months though. When you have more children and older children you're usually having to run around places with a two week old anyway, for the ongoing commitments of the older kids. The exception for me was the last baby, when I had a very difficult birth. I had a few visitors in hospital but was a bit slower getting out and about and having visitors at home, but everyone understood I was very sick and recovering.

You’re not correct here. Babies have protection from their mothers at birth, and this protection reduces the older a baby gets. It’s important babies are exposed to germs in order to develop their own immune system. Babies kept in sterile environments can’t do this.
How can my baby’s immune system be made stronger?
The immunity that your baby receives from their mother at birth does not last long. It will gradually go away after a few weeks or months.
Just like adults, babies make their own antibodies. Each time they get infected with a germ, their immune system starts to work. They make new antibodies that will protect them now and in the future.
But immunity in a baby is not as strong as in adults. It takes time to fully develop. In the meantime, there are some important things you can do to protect your baby, like breastfeeding your baby and getting vaccinated

https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/how-your-babys-immune-system-develops#boost

The most important thing a new parent can do to protect the baby is breastfeed.

I mean if you can't see the difference between yourself and apes then I don't really know what to tell you.

I mean, if you can't accept that this, the most mammalian* thing we do doesn't reinforce that yes, we are animals, I expect the other material realities about our life will cause you trouble.

We are homo sapiens, a species of great ape, and it's in our DNA to be communal beings, physical bond with the young in our families, and be very protective of them. It's a very strong instinct, and it's healthy.

Mammals - warm blooded, give live birth (a couple of evolutionary throwbacks not withstanding), make milk in mammary glands, breath air, single boned jaw, have hair/fur.

All the medicine and technology and personal grooming in the world can't change the fact you're a fairly bald ape. It's not a bad thing to be.

We had very similar rules for our DD3. I could tell by the time she was 48 hours old something wasn’t right. It was confirmed by 4 months that she is incredibly vulnerable and will not outlive her dad and I, in fact is highly unlikely to make her teens. She’s had 14 operations so far and been in ICU 8 times outwith that.

People (bar 2) were understanding because she wasn’t my first. They knew that my stance meant either something was wrong with her, or something was wrong with me, and they were very very supportive. We were very lucky.

The two people that did call me a crackpot and slag us off have been out of our lives since then.

Babies get their immunity through their mothers. It's a very effective protection. It's why breastfeeding matters.

I would be grateful if you could be so kind as to post the rules the relative had...

One of my relatives was very precious ... For instance, her son was never allowed to watch TV before he was about 10 yrs old ("because it causes autism") and other such. I have huge respect to the grandmother who jumped thru a million hoops to make sure she had a close bond with her grandson anyway.