AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

I think its fair for each set of parents to have their own rules. What I think is silly is then moaning about a lack of a village and not having anyone drop meals off at the door or hoover your house. If you keep family at arms length then you can't expect them to run after you.

But again, you're applying your own context to the situation. Maybe you're a really supportive hands on granny who's a genuine help. Flipping incredible we'd all love one of those on our side!

But how many posts do we see on here from women freshly post partum, utterly exhausted and expected to 'host' and run after in laws who are only interested in cuddles and not much else.

They didn't say noone else should, they said the only people who NEED to hold the baby are the parents. Because technically the only people who do NEED to bond with baby are it's primary caregivers to avoid attachment related disorders and to promote safe and positive care giving. Everyone and everything additional to that is an added bonus dependent on the relationship that person has had with the parents of the child to date and how much they trust that person to be safe and sensible with their very vulnerable newborn child. We don't know what ops family are like. We don't know what the mothers family are like.

In some other cultures the women of a family will wrap around a new mother and quite literally nurse her back to full health and recognise childbirth is a massive thing for the human body to go through. We also don't really do that here in the same way and instead expect women to just get up and on with it. Why is it that access to the baby is always the only bit people are interested in?

I think more women now are realising that these things go hand in hand and so they're getting better at saying what they need at the time (even if that is rooted in anxiety or poor mental health).

And yet those same pp women will be the very ones expected to run after anyone else in the family who becomes ill/elderly despite having been shut out at their most vulnerable. How interesting (depressing) that is.

Give them three months and they'll be crying about a lack of village and where is all the help? Easy, you pushed your village away.

Oh I know RSV is serious. I had two babies home on oxygen. I was very picky after that who came near.

My babies typically had siblings. I never made them wash their hands before handling baby. I figured it was good for the babies immune system to handle every day germs (though, of course, expected sick people to stay away).

Back in the day (not that long ago really), women were in hospital for two weeks after giving birth and people came during visiting hours. There wasn't any 'don't come' and you were on a ward with everyone else's visitors and baby. Sounds like my worst nightmare but women go home so much faster now.

This is very true. And there was nursing and care provided to support women at that time and midwives would have stepped in to support with visitor's if needed. (And still do but we don't have women in for long enough now really). Obviously things have changed and the systems are very different. I mean I had a section and was home 26hrs later. Ex went back to work less than 2 weeks after that. I just think there's an awful lot expected of new mums to be honest.

Will they though? They don't sound at all like the sort of women who would do a hands turn for anyone else, and Im sure their families know it.

Because they are struggling freshly post partum? Wow.

Being home 26 hours after a c-section seems like a swing too far in the opposite direction to me. Then again, they kick you out quickly after any surgery these days (for good reasons).

A baby is more at risk in the hospital setting, with foreign germs around. Home and familiar people are much safer in general as the mother will tend to be passing on immunity through breast milk for those.

There is no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater as far as visitors and so on. Then again, a number of posts on this site show that many people have trouble with basic boundaries and being able to communicate, so maybe that is why there is more of a swing to the hardline of not seeing babies for weeks, like OP's sister.

I really don't think if I was kept away for three months I'd be part of their village in the long run. Message received well and clear about my place in their life.

Well 3 months will be over in no time.

And then they will turn around and wonder where everyone is.

Or find something new to be anxious about.

I've had a few friends like this, they were more than willing to hold mine and other newborns but when the time came for their own nobody was allowed to hold theirs or only a chosen few. Some regretted it after and vocalised this. Hindsight makes them realise how ridiculous and insulting they were towards family and friends. Others never said anything and are still quite overprotective of their dc, wrapping them in cotton wool. These dc can't do much for themselves now at 8+ years old. They are setting their dc up to fail by being overly anxious.

If something is going on with you, I genuinely hope you're ok and things get better. Yes, therapy speak can be annoying, but like you pointed out, it's not new concepts.

No normal person is cutting off beloved family members for a social media trend. One of the hardest things about becoming a new parent is having to advocate for your kid and speak up in uncomfortable situations that if it was just you, you'd have let go to keep the peace. It's also a time where you realise things about your own upbringing and family that might be less than ideal. Taking time to adjust before dealing with other people is perfectly reasonable. Cutting people off for how they handled probably the most stressful time in their life because it doesn't prioritise you and your wants is pretty wild, but seems to be the majority opinion here.

A baby starts producing it's own antibodies around 12 weeks. Some people don't want to compromise their baby's health just because adult family want to pass the infant around like a toy.

For all you know there could be someone specifically in the family that will ignore them and kiss the baby with cold sores for example, and so as to not single them out they have applied a blanket rule.

Thanks for being so genuine. I am OK...genuinely.

They’ll look back on this and cringe themselves inside out when the baby is older … madness.

I’ve read so much like this on MN that I fully
expected the same when I went to see my nephews new baby. His mum opened the door and thrust him at me beaming … asking if I wanted to feed him.

@LoyalMember well I've seen it myself people are selfish and love holding babies ! They dont care if they have sore throats , cold , dontneahs hands ,cold sores their desires trump everything !
People who truly love the baby would put baby first ..

I agree,one of my favourite pictures is of my grandad holding my prem ds and ds's baby gro is wet as he's crying all over him. Grandad never showed any emotion,he was as hard as nails but holding ds he was as soft as butter.

If the father is OP's brother, of course she is a 'blood aunt'. If the father was OP's DH's brother, the baby wouldn't be OP's blood niece or nephew.

I had my eldest child when I was a teen, you wouldn’t believe the number of friends who showed up at the hospital and the day I was home from hospital. I remember heating my roast dinner up 3 times the day after I got home. People didn’t ring first (text hadn’t been invented, he’s 33 this year), they just showed up. MN would be horrified. I was tired, but happy to show off my gorgeous baby who I was so proud of. One best friend showed up at 7pm, he was born at 3.30pm. Her mum said it would be better then before the pain relief wore off!

It does seem extreme, I don't know anyone who followed such prescriptive rules.
However I also know what it's like to be a new mother when your partner has a massive overwhelming extended family so I do understand why someone might feel the urge to create some distance 🤣

You seem a bit judgy about the no sugar/screens/extended breastfeeding though which is a shame. Those are all good things to aim for surely, we don't need to sneer at new parents who have standards they want to achieve (yes I know it's harder in practice etc etc)

Right. Except we aren't actually monkeys or apes are we?

I'm sorry if this blows your mind, @Lavender14 . Yes we are. We are exactly apes.

We are social apes and bonding in family and community groups is hugely important to our wellbeing. Touch, smell, contact.

My parents say the first time they held their newborn grandchildren there was that thump of love just as strong as when they first held their own children. They were in the hospital within 5 hours of my babies being born and the photos of pure love are wonderful.

My friends who have become grandparents (and great grandparents in two cases( say exactly the same.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and cousins should wash their hands, stay away if poorly, and observe any precautions if the baby is medically at risk in some way. But beyond that, they should be holding the new baby that joined their family. It's part of our evolutionary responses.

What the OP's brother ought to be saying to the OTT new mum is that she sounds like she needs some support. He should suggest a chat with her midwife/health visitor/GP about it as it's rational to put 3 months restrictions on welcoming a baby.

Yes, new mothers need support. What they don't need is downright crazy rules to be accepted and pandered to, rather than addressing the anxiety, depression, paranoia (or stupid idea from Tiktok ) behind them.

Agree.

It could be an interesting study to see how weeks of waiting to introduce a baby to grandparents, etc, affects longer term commitment to the child/family relationships. I can imagine holding that brand new baby as a grandparent cements a protective and caring instinct to the benefit of the young family. Maybe in other extended family relationships too.