AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

Again, there's something primal when your child gives birth to the next generation.

I didn't want to know when DD went into labour, but I happened to be there when it started. I'd say that the next however many hours had me so anxious about her (her labour was stop start and ultimately very long). I paced up and down for much of the day, like fathers were said to do in the days when they weren't allowed in the labour room. I was scared for her pain, I was scared for the baby (at that point that was worry for DD if anything went badly with the baby because I didn't yet know DGD).

So when I finally saw them both there was another risk of primal instincts. Relief and love for them all. DD, son in law, and baby. And having DGD placed in my arms was so emotional. I'm not generally an emotional or sentimental person, but that moment...

I am so relieved and grateful that my DGCs' parents are so relaxed and understood the need to bring their child into the whole family. My relationship with my lovely DGDs started the day after each was born, and holding them, is just something I can't explain. I hope that those of you who have grandchildren on the future, get to have a similar experience.

(Of course when I had my kids, I had no idea that grandparents felt that strength of emotion, but I'm now very glad that I gave them the chance to feel that)

I’m with the new parents. My extended IL family descended a week after my firstborn got home. A plague of them. One was recovering from a stomach bug. DH and I caught it. Mercifully, baba was spared.

A week or two is far too soon to visit, imo, unless you’re particularly close or are coming to help out.

People's babies aren't just about them, anyway, although I appreciate that it can feel very much like that when you've carried them and birthed them. But the truth is that babies make people into aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. It's an event in all those people's lives, too.

I hadn't seen that post when I typed mine. But yes, that. The DGDs' aunties and uncles met her the day after I did, and were excited to do so. And watching the loving relationships between them all is another joy.

Could be that one of the grandparents is awful enough that they have to keep them away for three months, but I wouldn't say it's very likely. I think it's more likely that this is part of a trend, started by social media. It's part of the trend for people pushing their families away in general, also thanks to social media and therapy-speak slipping into the mainstream. It's got everyone protecting their peace and speaking their truth and setting their boundaries and releasing themselves from any "responsibility for their relatives' happiness" after they've been horrible to them. All well and good if your family is toxic, but all this is used on families who are perfectly loving, because it's become trendy.

Exactly. I mean, it's surely better than having relatives who don't give a crap about your baby. There are plenty of those about!

Yes it's overkill, but I couldn't get upset up about not holding someone else's baby. Also just to warn you, they will probably make many more parenting decisions that you and the rest of your family won't necessarily agree with.

And how do you know which ones are which?

Because I'd be looking at a new mum saying noone can hold the baby for 12 weeks and would immediately think red flag for poor post natal mental health. Why isn't that jumping out to you from ops posts? Or what do you think is the 'correct' way for women struggling with poor post partum mental health to present?

You will not always be able to tell.

Yeah I think it's pretty sad really. I think they should count themselves lucky they have people who want to visit, not shut them out - and babies need to be exposed to life, it helps build their immunity.
I've been more than happy to let others give my babies cuddles!

I think this explains your experience of becoming a grandparent really well and it's an interesting and well articulated insight for those of us who haven't had that experience yet.

But it sounds like your dd has a really positive trusting relationship with you. Which will have been built by your actions to date. What if you have parents who don't respect your wishes? Who are very heavy smokers and won't be told to wash their hands? Who would decide come when unwell? Who would scoff at being told not to kiss etc? Who will actively criticise you when they're there and point out everything you're doing 'wrong' because 'that's not how I did it'? Because that was my experience with some of my relatives and it was so hard to navigate how to work around that without offending anyone. So I totally understand why some people decide to just put blanket boundaries out there so that noone feels singled out. People did kiss my baby who I genuinely would have expected to know better. In fact they literally said "I know you're not supposed to kiss new babies but..." immediately before doing it. And I couldn't do a thing about it at that point. People can be really stupid around new babies because they genuinely are really excited and a little selfish with it or don't fully understand the risks because it wasnt talked about as much when they were having their own. So if that's the family you're working around then you have to do what you have to do. Your child is your priority as they should be. Of course family is so important and I think everyone wants their child to be integrated into a loving family circle. But not all GPs are supported (even if unintentionally).

It's completely bonkers but they are the parents so they make the rules.

I'd think there was an anxiety disorder at play.

Or when they find their 18 month old sucking on the dogs paw 😂 (fyi she’s 20 now and survived)

It's not what I would have done but tbh there's so much scare mongering and so much access to what could go wrong these days that we are a generation if more anxious parents. My parents certainly had moments of saying things like well WE never worried about that or wow I used to lie you on your front and you'd sleep all might ad a newborn etc etc.

There's tons of videos to scare new parents on socials these days, about cold sores, rsv, covid, germs in general, sids etc. It's a shame they're so worried as it's natural for a child to be welcomes and held close by their family bit it is what is it.

Honestly I am really surprised by some of the rules people come up with. I suppose there are some pretty heavy videos out there saying there baby got something because a nanny kissed baby and then baby died. Or child caught some rare virus or RSV and died. It seems a bit of a scare campaign but who knows. I personally just respect the parents right to choose and tend to distance myself as I truly know Ill end up saying something if they ask me what I think.lol

Why not be supportive of your younger sibling, instead of posting personal details of them, their spouse and their newborn on a public forum, criticizing their choices?

What did the dog have to say about it? 😄

My DD is 23 now and also survived.

Perhaps they are anxious and worried the baby might catch a cold or something.

I remember the story of this lady that was like a clean freak couldn't hand her baby having like I thing of dirt nothing. Then one day she walked into the lounge room to see her baby sucking on a dead rat...... She apparently relaxed a lot after that.

20,000 babies under 1 are hospitalised from rsv alone per year in the UK and per year 20-30 babies in the UK die from it. Unfortunately its not that uncommon. There's so much campaigning around it to try to reduce those stats. I know 2 babies who were in hospital for months severely unwell as a result of getting rsv before the age of 1. I wouldn't wish what they or their parents went through on my worst enemy. I don't think people who otherwise maybe don't have it on their radar to the extent new parents would have are as aware maybe? I know my mum called me ridiculous but now knowing what family friends went through she gets it now. But it really shouldn't take that for a bit of understanding even if she did think i was ott at the time.

Ye it’s bonkers but give them a few weeks and they’ll be desperate for someone else to pick it up. They’re young, naive and precious. Leave them to it

Life is a risk and having healthy visitors to your home in the early weeks is less risky than going out in public.

I'm not naive to the risks. I've had half a dozen children. God knows how these anxious parents cope when they have older siblings who you can't sit at home with for three months protecting the newest one.

I'd respect the no-one holds baby for three months rule. The parents get to make the rules. But I'd think they were bonkers and probably had an anxiety disorder. It's really not quite normal to be quite as extreme as OP's sister.

She hasn't posted any personal details. No-one here has the first clue who these new parents are.

Virtually every OP on Mumsnet is about a particular DH/MIL/parent/childteenager
/adult offspring. And those posts, like this one, are anonymous. I'm not sure why you should think that all those other people are fair game to be discussed on here, but not this relative.

Look at your reaction and that of these commenters. So little respect or empathy. Remember these are scared, exhausted and anxious new parents trying to do their best to protect their new baby. They’ve never done this before and are making decisions on instinct. Yes it might be overkill, but why does that matter? They are trying to protect and care for their new baby. The only people who need to hold the baby are the parents. If you have this little respect as to belittle them online, you’d do them a favour by staying away.

The only people who need to hold the baby are the parents

Why do you think that? What's your basis for thinking that no-one else should? In most cultures, grandparents help care for the baby from birth. So it's certainly not a natural thing to have grandparents not touching the baby until it's 12 weeks old.

My sister was a bit like this

Thinking back to when the dc were babies, so many of those people who were thrilled to come round and hold the new baby aren't even alive anymore.

Yes I was exhausted; yes I was bf round the clock, but it was a great way of seeing so much family and gettingto know neighbours. And for showing of my proudest achievements. By 3 months, babies are totally different. And days at home with a baby get boring v quickly.
It felt like what my mum and grandmothers would have done... only i had a proper husband, who pulled his weight and did all the cooking.