AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

We held all our 3 Gdcs within a few hours of birth. Dd was perfectly happy for relatives and friends to have a cuddle, and no illness or other disaster ensued.

I dare say the new parents in the OP will be complaining somewhere down the line that grandparents aren’t falling over themselves to provide childcare.

Why do you think they have put this rule in place? You know them. It’s quite unusual so do you think they are anxious? Stressed? Did they have a bad experience? Know a young child who got ill from something? There’s a lot of judgement on here but no attempts to understand them.

I held my nephew about 45 minutes after he came out of my sister’s vagina, the only reason it was that long was because she put him straight on the breast. Pretty sure she only gave him to me so I’d stop fucking crying 😭🤣🤣🤣 just kidding, she said “look what I did” and gave him to me, it’s by far more memorable to me than my own children’s births because well, that was a disgusting traumatic blur 😱

I mean when I did all those things those people all wore new masks, gloves and alcohol gelled hands etc.

Wouldn't be a issue for me at all. I'm more than happy to support my loved ones however THEY need it. I don't think my preferences trump a newborns or their parents. I'd be asking what I can do to help.

Family held my newborns at hours old. They eventually even though upset and hungry came back to me stinking of perfume. It felt like I was breastfeeding my inlaw 🤢 guess who isn't interested in my children now. Neither side of family. So I don't believe early access has any lasting impact on relationships.

I voted YABU because it’s their baby and their rules. No one has the right to cuddle a baby, even if they want to. I couldn’t raise an emotion about parents putting any kind of boundary around their baby. They’re not a parcel to be passed around.

I mean ... that's great for your dd - do we think it's possible that different women might experience birth and being post partum differently?

What was right and felt right for your dd is essentially neither here nor there if it doesn't feel right to the woman in question.

Also how many women do you think do this who don't really want to but don't want to offend either and feel it's expected of them? So many women run themselves into the ground and have a harder time recovering from child birth because they're busy trying to accommodate everyone else.

Not saying that's the case for your dd, it's great she wanted to have you there to meet them and that worked out well for everyone. But we can't set that as the status quo because that won't work for loads of women and children for a wide range of reasons. And it would be deeply unfair to put that on them at a vulnerable time.

I have a relative like this, it put people off from getting too close, and she now sometimes makes a wistful comment about other kids being so close to their aunts/uncles.

Thank you for that thoughtful resonse, @Lavender14 . I had post-partum anxiety too, and was obsessed with the thought that my baby would die. Yes, I did appreciate being able to do things my way and to figure it out with time. However, I think if a friend had gently and respectfully suggested that there might be downsides to being so restrictive, I might have considered another perspective. When one has anxiety and is controlling as a result, becoming more controlling doesn't reduce the anxiety. Learning ways to navigate the world and find more joy and connection in it might though.

Has anyone asked them why? I wouldn't simply dismiss it as some social media fad.

I'd be happy if I never heard the b word again! Boundaries are MEANT to protect you from toxic behaviour, but people use them as an excuse for being controlling towards people who are not being toxic and who mean no harm, quite the opposite. It's also such a prissy, therapy-esque word. In my day, we just called it "saying no".

Relatives of newborns want to hold them. It's normal. Boo-hoo, someone loves my baby. Some people don't know how lucky they are to have people who are interested in their baby.

I've know some people who had PPA too. Post-partum aggression. 🤣🤣

Seriously though, it's totally understandable if you've had a rough time and the baby has been ill, but we're talking here about normal, healthy mums and babies.

Oh I completely agree with you, but I guess what i was trying to say (maybe not explicity) is that there's a way to do that. And looking at so many responses on this thread calling her weird, saying she's destroying her child, that her child will grow up to be awful, that op should just avoid her now and refuse to ever help them I just was trying to point out that giving people a bit of grace to work through that in a supportive way makes it much better for everyone. Because they might not understand what they're doing themselves. It's the difference between supportive advice as you mention, and criticism.

I know the type 🤣

I do get what you're saying, but 1 in 5 mums have ppd and 1 in 5 mums have ppa and not necessarily together. I had ppa but no ppd.

So when you say 'normal' it is really normal to be affected by these issues. And as I mentioned earlier noone would have known because I didn't know myself. My child was born perfectly healthy but I guess I subconsciously didn't process the fear from the pregnancy itself. But again, noone bar grandparents and my two best friends knew anything about that. So I've no doubt that I'd have fallen in to your category of a normal healthy mum with a normal healthy baby but super controlling and restrictive in other people's minds.

You aren't going to know the difference unless that mum confides in you which she might not know how to do. Which is why I'm saying its so important that we give new mums grace.

Babies don't have enough immunity. Perfectly normal to wait until atleast 1st of vaccinations before visitors, other than extremely close family.

Up To them but seems ridiculous to me. They’ll be bitching about getting no help once they’ve isolated themselves.

I was a relatively 'old' new Mum at 31, having had a long road of IVF to get there. With hindsight, I was probably a little overzealous with DS as a newborn when it came to germs, gremlins and visitors touching/holding him.

A couple of years later, we had our remaining two frozen embryos implanted, and imagine our sheer delight when we had a big, fat positive. Imagine also our rabbit-in-headlights expression when we discovered it was a twin pregnancy.

When DDs arrived, boisterously, noisily and painfully (over 7lb each), just a few days before DS's 3rd birthday, I would willingly hurl all 3 DC at anyone who presented themselves at the front door. Funny that!

How do you know the mum is normal and healthy? She could have had a traumatic birth, pregnancy complications, or other health issues. For all you and the OP know, she could have raging PPD. It's horrible that the mum gets ignored and assumed to be being difficult for the sake of it.

Yes, could be. A good reason to stay well away if told. I certainly wouldn't push my way in if told to stay away.

I haven't RTFT - only your posts. 😇
@Pretfeen

2 questions sprung to mind:

1. Was this a miracle baby or a long awaited babybl or an IVF baby, and they're (understandable) precious as it took a long time to concieve? 👩‍🍼
2. Do they need boundaries with certain family members who take liberties /take the piss, but are too nervous to call them out personally, so did a (possibly passive aggressive) rule for all / blanket ban on everyone, so as not to highlight /expose them? 😬

If it's neither of the top 2 reasons, then I would deffo agree with this that it is crackers 😆 🤣 😂

If I'm the aunt or grandma, I think I'd be told. I'm not talking about being a neighbour or an acquaintance.

🤣🤣🤭

But they've put a clear boundary in place with those people, so no, they probably wouldn't be told. For all you know they've been criticising her from day 1, and she knows she needs time to adjust before dealing with them.

I have a 12 week old. Rules are no kissing until after the 16 week jabs (everyone thinks I’m silly for this) and no photos on the internet. No holding the baby is utterly ridiculous.