AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

People being precious about their babies are extremely off-putting, I think because there's a subtext of "You MONSTER! You can cause my baby nothing but harm!"

Of course, I'm sure the parents don't mean that, but that's how it comes across. Like you're this massive, sinister threat. It really feels like such a rejection of your tender feelings towards the baby.

People can be very precious in other ways, too. I was out for lunch with someone who had a baby of about a year old. I said "Oh yes, I can see she looks like x" - can't remember if I said Mum, Dad, or a mix. And she goes, all huffily, "I just think she looks like HERSELF!" Well, excuse me! I was only making polite conversation - I couldn't actually care less who the baby looked like!

There have been two other instances in my life where some parent made me feel about an inch high for taking an interest in their baby or saying something nice. I don't bother these days, the chances of getting snapped at are too high.

Thank God my sister was never like that about my two nieces and my nephew.

This!

I can understand grandparents being a bit upset by the rule but I have never understood people wanting to hold someone else’s newborn (I have a very close relationship with my DN but it wasn’t contingent on me holding her when she was a few weeks old), I would just respect whatever the new parents want. I HATED people holding my DS, I would let close family hold for a couple of minutes but only our of obligation and I would scoop him back very quickly!

Obviously everyone is different and some people really want to hold a new baby and get a cuddle and some people enjoy seeing others holding their baby but really it’s what the new mum wants and she should be respected.

It's nuts but it doesn't surprise me. Young people these days are absolutely obsessed with 'having their boundaries respected' aren't they?

I imagine the mum probably uses her 'anxiety' as justification for being so ridiculously controlling too.

It's really sad for the child (and the parents ultimately) that parents are limiting their child's contact with other adults who love her.

This is from a research paper by John's Hopkins:

"lot of rhinovirus and enterovirus circulating right now.

From my point of view, right now, avoiding flu and COVID-19 is a priority. Those are not going to help you develop a healthy immune response, and in fact, they can do a lot of damage to the lungs during that critical developmental time. Data [show] that children that have more infections in the first 6 months to a year of life go on to have more problems."

"The thing about rhinoviruses is that after recovering, you’re not protected from the next infection. There is no real immune protection there. Most of us suffer from colds throughout our whole life. Like I said, bacterial exposure is what’s key to priming the immune response.

Also, we forget that a lot of kids die from the flu. Unlike COVID-19, where younger kids are not quite as susceptible to severe illness, that’s not true for flu. RSV, too, can be quite severe in young children and older adults."

It agrees yes to having a pet, not an overly sanitised home...but the science is definitely to limit contacts for babies...for good reason ..as above

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

In this Q&A, Caitlin Rivers speaks with Marsha Wills-Karp, PhD, MHS, professor and chair of Environmental Health and Engineering, about the role of household microbiomes, birth, and vaccines in the development of kids’ immune systems—and whether early exposure really is the best medicine.

People protesting about basic protections for vulnerable babies.. are prioritising who exactly???

Most people are too busy trying to juggle their own complicated lives to deal with such controlling fuckwittery.

Absolutely. And I think a lot of people use their child to assert social dominance by making out you're some kind of monster because you said their baby was cute.

This is such a lovely reply. I think its so easy when you're out of the other side to look back and wonder why you worried about your newborn so much. But its completely natural. I have read stories about children who ended up blind or disabled from being kissed by a relative with herpes. Its such an awful thing to happen and goes to show that not everyone will be sensible around newborns.

That's because we now have vaccines against all the illnesses which used to be childhood killers. Until the polio vaccine came in 1956, there were only vaccines against smallpox, rabies, diphtheria and TB. Here's a handy list to show just how recently most vaccines have been introduced.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/vaccination-timeline/vaccination-timeline-from-1796-to-present

Its mad. Life is too short go bother with people like them. Id just give them a wide berth in future and wouldn't visit.

They will be quick to say how sad they are that they “don’t have a village” I bet.
Sounds bonkers - a healthy baby is fine to be held by visitors who don’t currently have a cold or anything.

Right. Except we aren't actually monkeys or apes are we?

Are you seriously telling me that unless you hold and smell a child immediately after both there is no way you could possibly look after that child or care about it?

Try telling that to all the grandparents who's kids live in a different country?

Or who are grandparents to adopted kids.?

Or who are grandparents to ill babies who had to stay in hospital after birth?

It's complete nonsense.

Children need to bond with their primary caregiver - aka their parents. In fact when you adopt a child you are told not to make introductions to extended family for a few weeks in order to establish yourself as the primary caregiver in that child's life.

What you're referring to is a misrepresentation of attachment theory.

When my baby was born (coming up to 56 years ago) I was pregnant. I worked in an unemployment Benefit office, and I was responsible not the benefits to the group of people who were "no fixed abode", that meant, of course, the homeless.

after I gave birth, every homeless person in the part of the city I lived and worked in, knew me and were keen to see baby. They were ( by and large) a lovely bunch of folk who had, through one reason or another, fallen on hard time's.

they would touch and croon over baby. It made them happy, it made me happy. As I've said, baby is now coming up to 56. So it did no harm but it brought joy to some.

Exactly. We still have those primitive instincts. And they work for a reason. The new generation needs a bunch of people invested in keeping them alive.

It's an American obsession. I didn't put my child down at play groups till they had had eight weeks jabs, but we were happily passing my baby to all our friends at there days old. We just had all the meet the baby activities outside.

You’re making out that’s a weird thing. Surely is only natural to want and cuddle an adorable new baby.

I mean my mum has done it multiple times. Completely poo pooed all safe sleep guidance, suggested bf was worse for my child than formula, repeatedly told me he should be sleeping in his own room through the night at 2 weeks old and should be left to cry it out, that puffy coats are fine in the car otherwise they'll get cold. Oh and that if you hug them you'll spoil them and they'll be horrible as they get older.

My mil often talks about they drove home from the hospital with my ex in the car seat in the boot of the car. Thankfully she's great and recognises that things have changed and will ask what the latest guidance is instead of assuming she knows better.

So older does not in fact mean wiser or in fact accurate at all...

Things change all the time, we get new information all the time. And the infant mortality rate changes to match.

Is that more important than a new mum managing post partum anxiety/depression/ocd though?

Your need to cuddle her baby is about you and your want to cuddle a lovely new baby. Its not about her and its not about the baby. It does not outweigh supporting a new mother at a vulnerable time in her life where she's trying to do her best the only way she knows how at that moment in time.

Some of the replies have been hilarious. PPs claiming its damaging to the child. All this talk of sniffing newborns. We live in a different country to family. It was just the 3 of us until DS was over 8 weeks old. He doesn't seem damaged and has a great relationship with GPs despite only seeing them once or twice a year.

Oh, ffs... Yes, because that's their motivation, isn't it? Not love for their newborn grandchild, niece of nephew, just sheer entitlement...

In fairness people not bothering with them and talking about them behind their backs because they refuse to support the needs of a new mother clearly struggling with anxiety for a few weeks is not much of a village... so they wouldn't be far wrong would they?

This thread has really fucked me right off tonight honestly.

Why do post partum women matter so little in our society? This is completely connected to why maternal outcomes in this country are not great. If you give a shit about the baby, then your first priority should be the wellbeing of the mother. It really isn't rocket science.

(Name changed to comment on this)

Someone I know (not a friend) posted this pic on Facebook a few months ago before she had her baby. I think it’s all fuelled by social media for no touching and visiting rules it’s crazy.

(Pic may take a minute to get approved)

When my first was born, grandparents came round and held baby on the first day. Close friends and siblings in the next few days. My sister though, insisted the baby (just a couple of days old) was put on the lap of her children, one at a time, for a photo (because that's what they wanted to do, so that's what was going to happen). Her children were 3 and 7. When the 3 year old had him, I felt a bit sick and was sure he was going to slide off onto the floor. It was only moments, but I hated it.
What was worse though was that I wasn't able to stand up to my bossy sister who always put her needs, and those of her family, above mine.
So sometimes I wonder whether these situations arise more often in families where boundaries get ignored. Maybe the couple aren't able to manage the visits very well and therefore feel the only way is a blanket rule. I kind of understand that.
It's sad all round though. When I think about becoming a grandparent myself, I know how that rule would make me feel. I would respect it and I would be kind about it, but I would be very sad.

It's nuts. I was so proud of dc when they were born, I was passing them round before I'd even left the hospital. Personally, I want your kittens or puppies, rather than your baby these days. But so many people feel so much joy over being able to hold new babies.

It’s a hard one I think for new parents to navigate sometimes and if I’m being generous maybe people think it’s easier to just set it as a boundary rather than negotiate with each person individually? I haven’t had any rules like this with either of my babies but one of my best friends had her baby the same time I had my second and she had said she found it really hard seeing him be passed around and rather than have that conversation with every visitor she just had that as a blanket rule.

I do think people worry more now though. My youngest is 6 months old so born in November coming into the winter and both midwife & health visitor made comments about trying not to have too many visitors to reduce chance of illness. My eldest at the time was only 18 months old and into everything anyway so I figured if anyone was going to pass germs on it was her, I’m not particularly anxious anyway so it didn’t change my mind about visitors at all but I could see where if I was a worrier anyway and a first time mum it might have made me think.

There's so many people here out to brand the new parents crazy or controlling, without knowing any of the reasons behind their choices. All of this gleeful imagining saying NO WAY to helping in the future while hoping to see the kid inevitably ruined by weak immunity and social ineptitude, all because they didn't hug some aunt, who clearly does not like or respect the parents, in their first few weeks of life, is pretty gross.

Anyone who has had a kid here knows it's hard. Yes, past generations have done it, and many have great advice, but ultimately the parents have to figure it out themselves, and could use love and support.