AIBU to think their no-touching rule for the baby is OTT?

[Pretfeen]

Some relatives recently had a baby. They are quite a young couple in mid 20s and have set a rule that no one is allowed to hold or touch baby until he's at least 12 weeks old, not even grandparents. Before 4 weeks no one could visit. Now visits are permitted but only to look at baby, no touching.

For background baby is healthy, born full term so no issues like that.

AiBU to think this is a bit OTT and precious? Obviously it shouldn't be pass the parcel with a newborn, no kisses, wash hands, stay away if sick etc but I've never seen this level of protection before.

Obviously it's their baby, their rules and I'm not going to break them. I'll visit in a few weeks and keep my distance.

Is this a Gen Z thing? Or are they a bit extreme? I was never this way with my DC nor were any friends and relatives in my age group. We'd usually visit a week or two after and hold baby after washing hands. Maybe I'm just a bit blasé about these, I'm sure there will be plenty of sanctimonious parents in here who'll tell me AIBU

Honestly, respect their wishes. It’s really ridiculous that their family is talking about them behind their back instead of supporting them at what is already a stressful time. It’s literally not your business to tell them how to raise their new child, nor elderly relatives.

do you not ever, when doing something for first time ever, seek advice from older wiser people who have done that thing many times before??

I think you can absolutely create boundaries but if you're this rigid about people bonding with your child then they will assume that you don't trust them and that you don't prioritise your child having a relationship with them. You reap what you sew. If you basically say to your relatives 'screw you I don't really want you to bond with my child and I'm quite happy doing this by myself' then don't be surprised when people take that message at face value. You're not that important in the grand scheme of things. Most people are too busy trying to juggle their own complicated lives to deal with such controlling fuckwittery

YANBU op, that's ridiculous. I loved it when GPS held dcs, and was ao excited to see it.
Although one of dh's parents actually didn't want to and made excuses about wearing a fleece and being "too hot" for baby. So, we had it the other way around!

In this day and age, plus with all the hype on social media, how does a normal human baby fire up their immune system? My DCs were put on the floor (no sheet or cover) bottom shuffled and crawled around from the time they could hold their heads up. In those days no one took their shoes off indoors and dogs defecated on the pavements! Mine are adults with their own families and have/had the same attitude. Rarely are any sick, they have a fully fledged immune system,,

Where exactly does the NHS advise that grandparents or other family members can't hold a baby until he/she is 12 weeks old? Or that they shouldn't even visit until he/she is 4 weeks?

You're not unreasonable at all to find it over the top but I think its perfectly normal to be precious about your new baby too. Bothe can be true.

Everyone's circumstances and lives are so different its impossible to understand or identify with everybody's mindset. Could be anything from anxiety, control which is normal if you lost control during birth etc. I mean a million reasons could be behind it.

. . . Sorry I didn't mean to quote you. Relatively new to using this and no idea how to change it.

Bet the grandparents are allowed to wash shop cook clean drive them around and pay for stuff

Mad.

as you’ve already said @Pretfeen each to their own but I do think it’s a bit bonkers.
i had my first nearly 2 years ago and there was a lot online about “protecting your space” in the first 2 weeks, being careful not to have too many visitors so you’re not exhausted hosting and baby isn’t asleep all day being held and then up all night. I have a big family and think I definitely probably overdid it and can see the value of enjoying the newborn bubble with you and partner esp if struggling with breastfeeding etc which can take time and does (for me anyway)need you to be comfortable with just having your tits out and being quite exposed whilst trying to get the latch right.

Cant get my head around not holding baby for12 weeks - there’s no guidance for this anywhere - even during covid there was nothing like that. The date doesn’t even match up with when the baby will have had their jabs. They do sound v precious HOWEVER I do think it’s very hard being first time parents. Hormones are through the roof - if siblings partner is far away from their family they might feel isolated and out of control. I know all I wanted was my Mum after I had mine. Disagree that you should actively be waiting longer than they have asked to “teach them a lesson” - maybe just try and meet them where they’re at, humour them, go and see the baby like you would any other families baby, stick to the “rules” be kind and you never know they might soon just realise themselves that they’ve gone a bit far. I do think sibling should grow a backbone a bit too - it’s their child too and they should be able to come to a compromise about what happens with their family members

I posted a GPs advice for visiting babies up thread

I wonder how much of this comes from people’s experiences during covid. They’re obviously worried about germs. That was a worry then and still is for some families where there are particular health concerns, but in more general terms, babies benefit from meeting other people and to a certain extent their germs too.

Infant mortality has dropped because of science and thus access to vaccines and medical care. Parenting changes like safe sleep guidelines, not smoking around babies, feeding guidelines are again because of science.

I have my own views and experiences, but I totally understand where new parents come from. When entering a home where the newborn is under a year I would always wash my hands, wear freshly laundered clothes/take off shoes plus do what the parents want regarding holding/interacting/boundaries with their child. Visitors are that and hopefully welcome at the appropriate times.

OP has said that her sibling is the baby's father, not the mother.

Similar happened to me a while back. A younger close family member had her baby and wouldn't let anyone who had been near children near her baby until she'd had her vaccines. As I work in a school I wasn't allowed to even visit whilst other close relatives could. I must admit, it did hurt

It’s batshit

You said the parents in the OP are following NHS advice. An Instagram video is not the same as NHS advice. And even in that video, the guy says there are no hard and fast rules, that culture plays a role, and that if someone is helping with the baby that outweighs other concerns.

I think the 16th birthday might just about be ok?!

It's fucking nuts.

Decline in infant mortality has nothing to do with whether or not babies are held by relatives in the first few weeks/months.

I'm so glad my two daughters weren't like this with their newborns. They couldn't wait for grandparents to visit.

I am a boomer and have recently acquired two grandbabies. One set of parents were more anxious about germs than the other. I do know that in their parenting classes they were told about protecting their babies from visitors. I have two thoughts.

First thought is that this is a bit of a long term impact of COVID. We all know that disease can be passed. My girls were advised to prevent kissing until after the first vaccine.

Also I have met a child who was severely disabled from herpes. I would not wish that outcome on any family.

All I can say is to keep visiting. In next to no time everyone can touch the baby. If the parents know that you respect their rules you will all have a stronger relationship.

Their baby their rules - ok fine, but also their baby their responsibility to look after him/her so they better not turn up down the line asking me to babysit

I was upset people couldn't hold my DS when he was a baby (born in lockdown). It is silly to put restrictions in place when there's no need and yes people will distance themselves, especially as even when people are allowed to visit or touch the baby they sound like the type who'll just put different rules in place.
And yes I wouldn't babysit as they'll have stupid rules about that too.

I haven't read beyond the first page. But I've seen enough people saying that grandparents don't need to be holding their grandbaby until it's over thrre months old, to know that I don't really want to keep going.

But my favourite photo of my dad is the one of him standing at my hospital because, holding his first grandchild and gazing at her with such love.

The same instinct that bonds a parent to their baby, is also there in the generation above. I was lucky enough to get to see my daughter and my granddaughter the day after the birth, and the emotional wave that hit me was so close to when I held her mother.

The instinct is there to protect the immediate tribe: the family. The new generation. It's valuable to everyone. The baby, its parents, and of course, its grandparents. It's what ties the family together. What makes me ready to throw myself in the path of a bus to save my DGDs. And just as that bond is formed between parent and baby, there's another, slightly different, bond that ties the grandparents to the next generation.

I'm so grateful to my grandchildren's parents for allowing me into those first few days. And I'm glad that I gave those days to my children's grandparents.

Progress hasn’t slowed because healthy people hold a baby. Progress slows with skepticism over science. The UK has lost their measles immune status because childhood vaccination rates have gone down. Distrust in science appears to be at a high right now and with that we will see an increase in preventable childhood deaths and illness.