I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

Thank you @DreamyJade

Ditto Christians or Muslims or people who subscribe to any religion: the good ones live it, the dodgy ones talk about it.

The opposite of saying that you are an empath is probably trying to show consideration or make allowances if someone seems to be a bit fraught for some reason. Ideally without saying anything about it at all.

I think that’s a normal level of empathy.

This extends beyond your immediate situation for some people.

Plenty of people don’t give a shit about people or animals other than those close to/around them.

They have empathy but not as much as some people (who might consider themselves to be empaths).

Animals is surely just anthropomorphic self-confirmation? It's not like they can tell you that you are projecting.

It is 100% normal to feel distressed when you see another person in emotional pain. The vast majority of the world are able to notice someone's emotional pain and be upset by it.

I’m sorry are you saying you believe animals don’t feel fear, joy, pain or that people can’t tell when animals feel those things?

Both are not true.

I think because normal parents with normal empathy feel sad when their children are sad, and that’s completely normal.

If my DCs come in from work and they’re a bit quiet I’ll ask how their day was and get the standard response “It was fine”. In my mind, they’ve experienced some terrible event and I convince myself they’re planning on killing themselves. I’ll find excuses to knock on their bedroom door to offer them snacks/tea just to check they’re still alive. I’ll text them funny memes or ask questions or something just to get a ‘proof of life’ response. Their feeling ‘a bit down’ is excruciating to me. My reactions are disproportionate.

But I know where that comes from and I do my breathing exercises and CBT techniques to control it so they’re not aware.

I used to work in the learning and development industry. The sheer amount of people I know who describe themselves as empaths and as highly self aware who are…the exact opposite, narcissistic nightmares, is uncanny.

No, I'm saying you don't have access to it beyond the level of observation available to everyone.

I'm an empath = I grew up in an abusive home, I learned early how to read people's emotions to keep myself safe = as an adult I have emotionally unstable personality disorder as a result of that traumatic childhood

But everyone doesn’t care.

I'm a narcissistic cunt. 🤣

Caring about animals doesn't make you an empath.

You can have empathy towards animals! Some have more empathy towards animals than people!

This sounds like over-thinking and poor emotional regulation, not empathy. You say yourself that you react to them being "a bit quiet" by assuming they are suicidal and then invading their space. If you were an "Empath", you would know exactly how they felt and not need to second guess if they were actually severely depressed.

Yes, you can have empathy for an animal - a verb - you can think about their quality of life and have a duty of care towards them.

But if you are claiming to be an empath - noun - and making a claim that you know exactly what they are thinking and feeling. Then, this is where we are parting company.

It is normal to have empathy towards animals. In fact, most people have empathy for animals. If you think you can read the minds of animals and know (beyond the obvious signs that everyone would recognise of distress or happiness etc.) then you have created a situation where you can feel special and never be proved wrong, because the animal cannot say, "Actually, I don't feel like that at all."

So, I'm stood at my window, and I'm watching birds do shuttle runs finding food to feed their chick. I can observe that they have been busy and I think admirably about the effort that goes in to raising their young - empathy.

Now, if I was telling you that I was an Empath, and those birds are thinking, "fuck me, I've been at this all day. All I want to do is get through these jobs, eat a fat worm and maybe have a bath" - I'd have no way to prove that and you'd be right to be sceptical that I might be projecting.

But that’s catastrophising and poor self-regulation, not empathy.

Someone having empathy is different to someone declaring 'i am an empath' though.

The vast majority of people have some level of empathy. Only those people that think they feel other people's emotions more strongly, and therefore make every difficult situation about them, declare themselves to 'be an empath'.

I deal with people in financial difficulty. I have heard so many heartbreaking life stories. Having empathy makes me good at what I do. At the end of the day, I can leave work knowing that I have done what I can to help. Does some of what I hear upset me? Yes. Do I tell someone when that happens? Also yes. But then I let it go because carrying that doesn't serve me and it does nothing to help that person, and it would detract from being able to help the next one.

'Being an empath' would make my job impossible. Because I would take every one of these difficult situations and turn it into my own personal woe and I would carry every story around with me like it was my own burden to bear (while telling everyone how hard it is to be me because, you know, 'I'm an empath').

The Empath is a Star Trek episode from 1968.

Here is a key scene from the epsode. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are in a minimalistic set and the fourth character aka 'The Empath' can pick up on their feelings - aware that it is a simplistic summary, but that is what I first thought of when I thought of the word Empath.

Totally agree. I've never once ever said to anyone 'I'm an empath' it's weird that that would come up in a first conversation.. but as above poster said it is a curse not something brag about.. being so sensitive to everyone's emotions around you IS exhausting, more then likely your also a people pleaser and you are forever trying to adapt to suit people's moods to keep people happy. I can pick up on the slightest change in someone which will put me on edge and fill you me with anxiety. I also find it hard to listen to people's problems because I then take them on as your own and get weighed down by it.. it is exhausting and not something I would bragging about.

I find that the same people who call themselves an empath, would also shut someone down when talking about their emotions as they either already know and have been through something worse (which they will then tell you about in detail), or it's 'trauma dumping' that will devastate them to hear so they need to protect themselves.

Noticing that there’s something wrong is empathy. I don’t do it when there’s nothing wrong. I can tell when people are covering up or pretending, or lying. You’re right about the catastrophising and poor-self regulation!

The point is, the vast majority of people have some degree of empathy. Some more than others. At the other end of the spectrum there are sociopaths. Nobody is denying they exist. If we can agree that there are some people with no empathy it’s not a stretch to understand that there are people with more empathy than is normal.

Everyone missed your joke!
They must lack empathy ... 😉