to think joint accounts aren’t the only “right” way to manage money in a marriage?

[taaay]

Been married over 25 years and we’ve never had a joint account.

We both have our own separate accounts. Husband pays around 90% of the bills and nearly all of the mortgage. I cover food, household bits and my car. It’s just what’s worked for us and it’s been stable for decades.

People often say that everything “should” be joint and that separate finances mean there’s a lack of trust or commitment.

I don’t really agree. I’ve seen quite a few situations where people had joint accounts and one partner emptied it and left, and the other person was stuck with no immediate access to money. That risk alone has always made me wary of pooling everything.

For us, having separate accounts hasn’t caused issues. We both know what’s being paid, we both contribute, and there’s no drama about who spent what.
I’m not saying joint accounts are wrong at all just that they’re not the only way to do things.

AIBU to think if it works for a couple, that’s what matters – rather than there being one “correct” setup?

I agree, it’s one way but not the only way.

We have a joint account for bills but separate accounts for income and savings. Doesn’t mean it isn’t ’our money’ it’s just held in different ways.

We had joint account for bills and individual accounts that our pay , child benefit etc went into.
The key point though is we knew about each other's finances, discussed big purchases, savings etc.

It seems to be seen as a safeguard against financial abuse,one person having all the control or knowledge of the finances etc. However, if you are with a person with that mindset, that you have to safeguard yourself against, there will find a way and it’s a shit marriage/partnership anyway and there will be other issues too.

I don’t think there is any right or wrong and what works for one couple won’t work for another.
Both our wages are paid into our own accounts although we both know what the other earns and naturally tell each other if we’ve had a bonus or pay increase.
We have a joint account for food, joint outings etc. For bills we pro rata our contributions as my husband earns significantly more than me and I transfer my share to him as bills are in his name as he had the house before we met. We pay equally into the joint account for food and the same for holidays.
We have our own savings however they are often used for joint things eg he’s saving to pay off the mortgage, I had some money gifted from my parents which I will put towards clearing the mortgage.
He had the same system as you with his ex wife and it caused resentment on both sides as both thought they were paying for more than the other so for us pro rata ing works better because we are both paying a percentage of everything.
Bit again I truly believe there is no right or wrong as long as both parties are happy with the arrangements.

It works for you because you barely pay any bills - if you were equally responsible you’d want more transparency

There isn't a right or wrong but if your DH hadn't paid 90% of bills, I think you'd agree a joint account is sensible so that you can jointly finance and manage it.

I don't think mamy people only have a joint account though. We get salaries paid into our own account and pay £1k each into the joint account.

But everything is ours regardless of who pays. Unless one of us uses our "own money" to buy something (usually after having left a purse at home and resorting to using the personal bank card on the phone to pay), then we'll have a week of joking about me letting him use my new saucepan or eating my hummus.😆

Other times if one of us has built up an excess in our current account we will use it for fixing the car, going on a holiday rather than transferring to the joing account... and then cue the same joke about him taking me on holiday or hoping he is enjoying my new clutch.

Whatever works for you really.
We have several joint accounts (bills and savings ones for house, each dc, holidays and contingency). But we have separate current accounts and savings accounts too.
we put amounts into various accounts which is proportional to our incomes, but it works out that I cover the food and cleaner, my car tax, council tax and ds school lunches, he basically pays the rest (he out earns me 4:1).
Just works for us, we each transfer the same into our own current accounts each month so have equal spending power.

It's funny, I see posts like this about all kinds of subjects where someone seems to think that people regularly say there's only one way to do something and usually that's not what I've seen at all.

Joint accounts is a good example. yes, I see lots of people saying joint accounts are the way to go. But actually, i think the underlying thing that comes up over and over again is that both partners should have equal access to money in a marriage. Most people don't care that much what that looks like, but where things get tricky is when it's obvious to people on the outsider that one partner is being taken advantage of or being disadvantaged. eg separate accounts and he's got an expensive gym membership, a brand new mercedes and a regular golf habit including weekends away and she's struggling to get the funds to cut her hair, can't afford her MOT on her 15 year old renault and hasn't had a night away in 5 years.

Or when one person makes all the big decisions - new house, building work, holidays etc - because they earn the bulk of the money.

Or one partner has a massive pension and the other has nothing...

etc etc etc.

No?
DH moved in to my house. I continued to pay all bills from my account and tell him how much to give me. We have never had any desire to merge our bank accounts. I see no reason to.

We’re exactly the same. Never had a joint account and never felt the need for one. All bills are paid on the 1st of the month (split percentage wise based on our income) then whatever is left is ours to do what we like with. It helps that we don’t have DC.

We have a joint account for bills but if i want to spend £200 on shoes or makeup it comes out of my personal account and no one's gonna stop me!
Family expenses go on a credit card which is considered a monthly bill like everything else.

You don’t have to have only one bank account. I’m sure the 90/10 split is working very well for you!

Joint is the only way for us because we’ve been together since teenagers. Everything we have we have built together, we literally brought nothing into this marriage. We had children young, DH’s role was pivotal in launching my career and our family so to speak, now I am the higher earner considerably. Everything we’ve earned we’ve done as a team and there will never be his and hers. We do have separate bank accounts though still, pooling money doesn’t have to mean no financial independence. It’s just we see the total pot as jointly earned.

I understand it would be different if you met later in life and had already started building assets. Or if you don’t have children, it’s children that complicate things because there is just such inequality for a woman getting pregnant. I think it’s very difficult to have a fair situation with children handling money separately.

We have both. Joint for bills and separate savings and currents for ourselves. DH covered most of the mortgage from his own account though and I transferred to him monthly.

I try to save but I am spendy so I don't feel guilty. I also tend to buy all DC clothes, uniform and shoes. I don't feel restricted if its coming directly from me but would if it was coming from the joint account. Weird as that sounds. He actually wouldnt mind just thinks i buy too much. We have been together 18 yrs lived together 17, it works for us.

Caveat all above is that we still see all of this as joint money. If it was required for something important it would be moved to cover it.

We have always had separate bank accounts for over 40 years. He works full time I work part time. He pays all household bills I pay for shopping. It has always worked for us. We are open about our finances. If either of us came into money it would be family money though. Neither of us has a disposable income after bills are paid so there is no resentment of one having more money than the other.

How you store your money and manage it month to month really doesn’t matter, it’s whatever works best for you. What does matter is that the money is managed for the benefit of the whole family unit so it’s not a case of one partner having access to a large amount of funds, able to spend frivolously and the other not having enough to meet basic needs, getting into debt etc.

I had a joint account with exh, was fine, I don’t with my now dh but have access to his online banking to move money to my account if needed (actually no need, life is different once kids have left)

We've only had a joint account for a couple of years (together over 40) so that if one of us dies, bills can still be paid. All bills including household expenses like food come out of it. We put in proportionate to our incomes. We happily had separate accounts when we both worked but earned roughly the same throughout our relationship. We've never had a cross word over money.

YANBU my husband and I don’t have a joint account, we have never felt the need to, would just add another layer of admin to our financial set up.

Both are aware of what the other has in the bank, and consider our money family money.

YANBU. We've been together for 34 years, married for 23 of those and have never had a joint account. He pays some bills, I pay some. I know lots of people find it hard to believe, but we never argue about money.

We had a joint account to save for our wedding which for historical reasons we have kept. It’s been almost 30 years. It has just over £100 in it. Whoever outlives the other is to take the money out and go for a lovely dinner and toast the deceased.

We have kept money separate, we invest though lower risk these days as older and less time to recoup. Decisions have to be made quickly, obviously we have done some mighty risky stuff in the past and sometimes it’s not been a great outcome. Overall the way we run our finances has been to our advantage and we have made more money than if we kept them separate. I’m not asking permission on how much I can spend or being queried on why I have bought X out of an account.

We do mention if we are buying anything that is expensive.

Exactly. When my OH died things were seamless as we had a joint account and I could pay all the bills with no problems.

Yabu because every couple can do what works for them. I have also been married 25 years and have totally joint finances. That works for us.

Our joint account had everything in - both our salaries were paid into the joint account, so no extra "layer of admin" as someone has suggested. It was simplicity itself.

We don't have a joint account, we have been together since quite young and it would have been odd to combine our finances and then we never bothered. There's no 'my money, your money' we both pay bills, buy suff for dc and ourselves. Its all shared and there's no scrutiny, just two different pots.

But every now and then I think about access to accounts if something happened to one of us, that would be the thing that pushes me to combine them.