To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

As this happened to you and you pursued the claim I think the money is yours to do as you wish with.
I come from a family where all money is shared but in this case I would expect the partner who had been hurt and endured some kind of trauma to be the " owner" of the money.
However presumably your partner had to support you emotionally during this time so it would seem appropriate and fair to discuss its use with him.

My friend had a similar experience and the money has gone on holidays and home improvements. She treated herself to €2,000 personal treatments but in her opinion everyone in the house suffered when mom was down. I would honestly think less of her if she treated the money as hers alone :
You’re either a family or you’re not.

It wouldn’t be joint money here. Likewise, things like bonuses are not joint money here either. The person who worked for it, keeps it. They can spend it on whatever they want including family stuff - and DH bought me a generous present from his last bonus - but it’s their money.

Family money. I don’t like this attitude of saying it’s all yours but even more so with the info that your DH supported you to be a SAHP. I’m assuming he doesn’t say he ought to keep more of his higher earnings because he’s the one doing the job who missed out on being with his DC 24/7. Because that would be very unattractive, wouldn’t it?
You’re a partnership. At most you might have a case for £150/£200 to treat yourself but other than that No.
Carry on like this and hopefully your husband will perhaps think perhaps he ought to keep more of his money as he does the job. You’d be surprised at how many higher earners in a marriage don’t share their income fully yet your DH does. When you get something you then want to keep it to yourself. Ugly imo.

Any income is family income. All money that enters the home has to be earned in some way or another. I think you should share it. What if you're husband won the lotto tomorrow? He could reasonably argue that if he hadn't bought the ticket, the winnings wouldn't exist.

I received a smaller pay out than what it sounds you received, but still relatively substantial. It was my money and never questioned otherwise. However, by the time I received it our children were adults and independent. We also already had our own savings (for example ISAs which are in one person's name) as well as joint money. If I'd got the payment when our children were young and our finances were largely joint, it would have gone into joint savings. If you're otherwise comfortable then I don't see why it can't be 'your money' especially if you need some to recover emotionally or physically from whatever happened. Spending a portion of it making a happy family memory that you wouldn't have otherwise had, may also help resolve issue with your husband.

We don’t struggle for money and that is mainly due to DH’s salary - which of course I facilitated by being a SAHP for a number of years.

Before children our earnings were similar (if relevant).

Well your kids couldn’t have fought for it, could they? Surely you were the only one in a position to fight for it, as the claim related to you?

What’s yours is mine but what’s mine is mine? Your call OP but the resentment from taking a Gollum/my precious approach will likely impact your marriage. If he wins or gets a windfall in future he’ll also be entitled to tell you to jog on and say it’s not income so it’s his.

He pays more, he supported you being a SAHP and your contributing in other ways (birthing children or doing an Erin Brokovich on a claim) counts but him working more hours and earning more or he/the family helping when you were injured is just taken as a given and doesn’t count as contributions!?

You’ve made up your mind and it seems that £s signs has closed it to any suggestions of compromise or middle way. If you were minded to though, saying to DH that you’ve had a chance to think, want to be fair and find a solution that one one hand takes into account your pain/effort in getting a payment but one that is also is fair to the family, be best way forward imho.

Had you actually specified and agreed that the joint money thing only applied to salaries, and not to any other monies? Eg inheritance, compensation...

Was your family affected by the reason you got compensated? If so keep 25% and put the rest into something you all benefit from, a holiday , a car etc . Me and my husband would find something that benefited us all like a lifetime holiday or something we always wanted . I couldn’t just keep thousands to myself it’s not how I see a marriage work

If he divorced you would he'd get half?

I cant imagine receiving a large amount of money and not wanting to share it with my family . Especially when your husband worked and you were a SAHM . If he came into money would you assume it to be family money.

And he facilitates your lifestyle with that salary. I can’t understand why you feel his money should be shared with you but not vice versa.

Given the family suffered too and joint money was used for certain things, I’d do 50:50- put 50% in the family pot and use the rest to your discretion

If not, probably worth having the inheritance discussion at some point. Unless there's no chance of anything at all.

And your husband believes he's agreed to that, does he?

Only, in your first post you said you had "joint finances" not "joint finances when it comes to salaries, but things like competition payments should be treated differently."

If there was an inheritance or lottery win, how would you want to treat the money?

yes family money

Same. I’ve recently received a reasonable inheritance and I discussed through the options with DH on how best to spend, but ultimately I had final decision

We don’t have ‘family money’. We pay into a joint account to cover our expenses. Our expenses wouldn’t increase because I received a compensation claim. Assuming it’s to compensate YOU for an injury or workplace abuse or something similar and not say something like a payout from your collectively purchased home insurance policy, then yes, it’s compensating YOU for injury or wrongdoing. I wouldn’t expect Dh to give me money because he was horribly injured by a drink driver or something. That’s his money.

@Thingsthatgo no, I don’t think anyone truly understood the impact it had on me personally. I guess this is one of the reasons why I think it is “mine”.

@mynameiscalypso We're the same with bonuses, although inevitably we do spend some on family stuff because we want to.

I would want my family to benefit from this compensation in some way if they were supportive during my recovery. When I had a non-work accident a while back and ended up in a leg cast, I really couldn't have managed well without my family pitching in with everything from lifts to appointments, meals, helping me shower, etc. It was a palaver and they were there for me.

Why you asking, when you have already made your mind up? Just curious? Hoping for support? But it won’t influence your decision if you find the majority disagree?

interesting reading your posts.

Personally, I’d never have mentioned it to my OH , and used the money to get away,
but then he was a millionaire and every penny he has was his. What was mine was his, too…how else do millionaires get rich ? But I hope in a caring relationship, I’d have shared everything

I was recently in the same position as you, OP, and DH and I consider the money to be mine. However, it is sat in a savings pot to be used for any ongoing physio costs and anything that I need for my hobby that I missed out on for over 2 years whilst injured.

if I was ‘treating’ myself from the money I would feel mean if I didn’t treat my DH and DC as well