To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

So DH's money is family money but your money is your money?

And this money is yours because it is compensation for you, even though the rest of your family have also been affected?

Sorry, but I think you're being really unreasonable. It would be different if you wanted to spend the money on rehabilitation or adaptations for your home or whatever. But you've said that you want to spend it on new clothes and a hobby?

If I were in your DH's shoes, I would be telling you that I no longer wanted my salary to be "family money".

There are ramifications from some injuries that only become apparent many years later. (This is partly why claims are generally
assessed as being in full and in final settlement and you have to give up all future rights to sue again.)
I would suggest you think this over, investigate some linked costs, determine what you might need in future and put aside that money for your health/any future bills.

Yes, but that's the choice you both made. You chose to become a SAHM and he chose to further his career to support you all. You could have kept your career up and put your children in nursery or suggested he become a SAHD if you weren't happy with that arrangement. When he was earning more money, did he say, "Well, I've worked for this, so I'm keeping it!" or did he respect that the nature of the agreement was that any work done- be that paperwork or potty training or preparing the pack for the board meeting- was work done for the family and you were a team?

@ImNotSharing If you're referring to the mental impact, they probably can't really understand if they've never experienced significant injuries or illness themselves. Have they tried to support you in practical ways?

Are you feeling resentful towards your husband and children because of that?

My instinct is that it's family money but also that would suit me because I would want to do things like a lovely holiday together, some nice things for the house, some worry eased regarding uni fees - that would be what I'd want to spend it on because we're a team and we like doing things together. But maybe the money is needed for therapy or some form of rehabilitation? That should be prioritised over anything else.

He wasn’t.

Let me think.

Suppose one if the family did a job that was long, arduous, unsatisfying, not enjoyable.

Their wages would be "personal" money, right?

This is a good point, but is also not what the OP said she was planning to do - she said she was going to spend it on her hobby.

And new clothes.

Family money.

I don’t get that mindset. It may have affected you terribly but if it were me, I would see it as compensation for my family that I love to enjoy together. I don’t get the idea that sharing it with your kids minimises what you went through. You are a family unit, they all went through it in their own way.

Sorry you’ve had the experiences that led to the compensation payment. It can be exhausting to fight for compensation, especially when you are unlikely to be at your strongest (mentally, emotionally, physically).

It’s also a lonely process because only you have all the details, but I’m wondering if you felt like you were alone in fighting for the money and that that has had an emotional impact on you. Maybe you’re feeling that your DH could have helped or supported you with that more than he did so that is dominating your judgement on how to spend the money?

Fighting for compensation can be a horrible and demeaning process because it can feel like you’re having to convince people that you and your life were / are worth more than they assumed when they mis-treated you.

I mean this kindly OP, but I do wonder if it’s more about that than the actual ‘how much money do you want to spend on your family?’

I hope you’re recovering OK.

When we have had some extra money come in we have taken the view that the person that receives the money ultimately decides what it is spent on, but that it's a discussion and should be mostly for the benefit of the family. We are a team after all. I would expect you to keep a bit to treat yourself and the rest of it to be family money.

When I received an inheritance I told DH that I wanted to put some of it into my pension as I work part time and wanted to boost my pot. The rest I spent on home improvements which he was fine with because it benefits all of us.

When DH has received a bonus that's a discussion too. Usually he has paid for a family holiday with it and perhaps kept a bit back to spend on something frivolous for himself. That's fair enough.

I'd be really hurt if DH said to me "my bonus is my money because I earned it....end of discussion." That feels really miserly and that he doesn't view us as a team or want to do things that will benefit the entire family. Saying "I'm going to keep £X but do you fancy a holiday/new furniture/treating the kids/whatever with the rest?" feels like the fair thing to do.

I think once you go tit for tat with your finances the writing is on the wall to be honest. Ok you were a SAHP and facilitated his career, he's also supported you financially and makes a bigger financial contribution. But keeping score like that is unattractive and not what a marriage and a partnership should be about.

His job doesn’t allow the sort of support I required. I have a large support network that I called upon to help with things like school run and the children generally.

I’m not sure if this is relevant because either it’s family money or its not?!

I am curious what expensive hobby you can do, despite having suffered catastrophic injuries not that long ago. I enjoy needlefelt. From the way that OP is describing this settlement, I'd be looking at some substantial quantities of wool roving.

Of you've decided to have joint money then it's family money. You say you chose to combine incomes, fid you actually use those words? Because most people only have income to combine.
If your husband works over time, does he keep it for himself?
If he was to inherit some money, would that be his only?
You say you did all the work to get the compensation, bit as it actually happened to you surely it would be you who does it?

If he won a substantial amount on lottery next week would you expect him to share?

Legally, a compensation payout made to one person in a marriage is generally not considered a marital asset in divorce unless it leaves one person at a huge disadvantage. So if he works NMW and you got awarded £10m, then it would be counted but it doesnt sound like that is the case here. So if I were you I would base my decision making on that.

The key thing is the make sure that it is paid into your personal account and not melded into a joint account or put on to the mortgage, because then it would be considered "family money".

Thats not to say that you never should but you should keep it separate until the pair of you come to some sort of agreement over this.

My opinion is that if you suffered whatever it was that gave you this money, then it is 100% yours.

So if he bought a lottery ticket and won £1million, you’d be ok with him just spending it on himself?

I think it depends what this is compensation for. You've said it's not for rehabilitation or care needs, but still - if it was for something that caused you distress or was a very difficult time, then this could be seen as your reward for struggling through it. Recompense as it were. So I would definitely want to use some of it for personal treats, as a way of making up for whatever it was.

The kind of shit that has self esteem and knows their own worth?

@ImNotSharing Do you see your marriage as equal partners? As in you put in the marriage as much as you get?

Your point about having to pursue this over a year and how much effort is took - your DH was funding the family during that time and it may not have been possible for you to spend that time if you had to work too. Something to consider.

Hardly the same.

If they have shared finances and he bought the ticket from their shared account then she paid half, so is due half. Fairly sure there was a court case about this a few years ago.

In this case, one person suffered something that led to a large payout so it is theirs. The other person, who suffered nothing, has no right to the money. It is called compensation as it is to compensate for what the OP suffered.