To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Sorry that you have suffered and had to fight for compensation. We’ve had something happen to my husband who after a while received compensation. Not a huge sum.
My thoughts were and still are that he suffered, and has physical and mental scars from what happened. The money was used to help him, not us as a family. Not just counselling and extra costs due to the injury, but something that marked moving on- something he wanted that helped him heal.
So I think your husband has to understand your suffering and what will help you move on from that, as well being mindful of future costs. How it is used will impact how you are able to move forward from that trauma in my opinion.

Yeah, I'd say you do. It isn't that you don't want to prioritise them over you, which would be fair enough, but actively that you don't want them to see any enjoyment or benefit from it, even if it doesn't deflect from yours.

That is pretty weird.

£5k would be different, I'm sure you can see that.

Why not take a hobby holiday or whatever, but also a family holiday?

I said that you ANBU initially, but the large amount makes me think now that you are, and my H agrees. I think in your situation (and well done for fighting for your compensation, and I’m sorry you had to) I would make ‘us’ rich as well as doing some amazing things that I want to do just for myself as well. And probably also a holiday for all of us.

I clicked YABU because it’s the closest option to my thoughts.

but you’re not necessarily unreasonable as it depends on many things but mostly how money is divided in your family.

I get that it was your thing and your hard work but in my house I’d want to share it. I might treat myself with a bit of it (and my DH would also say this). But I couldn’t keep a large sum for myself. I’d want to help my family. Maybe a holiday, a bit for the kids savings and paying down the mortgage. It still impacts me positively.

but that’s just how our family is.

This cant be real.

if it is, then I am absolutely flabbergasted by your attitude OP.

If I came into that much money it would 100% be family money….theres NO way I would consider it just mine!!!

And absolutely nothing would make me happier than seeing my husband and children benefit from it (and enjoy it) as much as I would be doing.

I go back to my first claim: this cannot be real.

I’m not sure if it would make more sense to people if you explain what actually happened to you or what your hobby is?

So far you have only really said “I want to” or “I don’t want to” without much explanation about why you feel that way.

In our house all money is joint, it would be family money, neither one of us would question it.
What I don't understand, is that when you thought it might be 15k you were happy to throw it into the family pot, despite how much effort you put into recieving it; now you've learnt that it's a much higher amount you suddenly want to keep it, surely your principles haven't changed over an extra 0. Sorry op, but I'm getting Gollum vibes here.

Family money as far as I’m concerned. If you are a family unit everything is shared. This doesn’t mean you can’t treat yourself ever, perhaps spend more than you normally would on clothes or replace something you need to but ultimately it’s for the benefit of everyone

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have read all of the OPs responses, and I'm afraid I still think it's family money. When you get married it's a contract to tie yourselves together in all ways. The ceremony even talks about for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. It doesn't say anything about unless only one person is affected or put in the work. The starting point for me therefore has to be it goes into the family pot, with the caveat that anything you reasonably need to recover from the injury has first call on that family pot. So if a course of physio or therapy would be helpful, then there's no question that that should be paid for. If some new clothes would help your self esteem then your husband should be cheering you on. Realistically though would you seriously choose to spend a six figure sum on clothes??

If I said I was going to spend the entirety of an amount like that on things that only I would benefit from, I think my husband might well start questioning our partnership and whether I was the person he'd thought I was. I'm also struggling to think of what sort of hobby you could spend that sort of money on, and can only really think of buying a horse with potential. In which case I'd think you were mad to prioritise that over paying off the mortgage and buying yourself something rather cheaper as a present.

In our house that would be family money and I'd be very upset if you were my partner and taking this attitude

You can’t have it both ways. Everything joint but you get a sum of money and suddenly it’s yours? That’s not fair. Everything gets split in my house, we don’t pick and choose.

I am coming into an inheritance and I class it as both of ours. Maybe it's because we have been together over 40 years. I will be paying both our depts off not just mine.

Surely there’s a compromise here? If it’s really that much money you use some of it to go on your abroad trip for your hobby and then the rest for something sensible like a mortgage repayment or saving for for kids.

Dont forget if you don’t have a mortgage you’ve got several hundred pounds more in your account each month to spend on clothes, your hobby etc

I'm not missing the point. How do we know her husband and children weren't also impacted by the stress of what happened to her and the stress of sorting out the compensation? Hers is greater yes, but are we able to completely rule out their feelings on the matter?

I know the impact of how I feel on my family and vice versa. DD can feel when its been a bad work day and offers me sweets and hugs. The OP is coming across as selfish. My opinion. As I said I read several of her posts before commenting and voting. You either see yourselves as a team or not. I am not getting team spirit from her posts.

i was thinking it should be mostly family money until you mentioned facial injuries. I’m assuming that you’re impacted by that every single day, multiple times a day.

I don’t know why but it’s changed my mind that it should be your money.

I wouldn't leave my immediate family behind while I took myself off for a really good holiday. I'm not selfish, I would want them to enjoy themselves too. Maybe one of us needs therapy.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you suffered and probably still are suffering... this is not a no strings attached bonus, it is paid for pain and suffering, your pain and suffering.

I suspect that you will do something with your family but I do not think you should be guilted into paying for uni or paying off the mortgage as you will have, as a couple made plans and provisions for this.

its family money. You may have done the actual work for a difficult and challenging claim but you were able to because of your family set up and if the injury was as serious as you say then the whole family has been affected. They may not have supported you how you wanted (and that is a separate discussion) but they supported as best they could.
Your husband may have not been keen to pursue because maybe he had different priorities such as keeping his salary, supporting his injured wife and children. Maybe he didn’t have the bandwidth, but he let you have the space to.
You got compensation to recover costs and losses of you and your family that you incurred or will incur as a result of your losses and I assume you listed them for the court to decide. If you made them up and it was hobbies then it was fraud. It should be used to cover the losses you incurred, which would have been family money so it should go back into the family pot.
There would have to be a significant reason I would keep it separately eg he doesn’t share all his income, it’s an escape fund, he is untrustworthy with money and would spaff it away. Personally if my sah partner used such a large sum of money exclusively for hobbies and clothes, and not eg pension ( or are you expecting to live off his) I would separate my finances into a LTB fund as I don’t think the marriage would last long term. It would open my eyes to who they were and how differently they viewed our relationship to me.

You take a % for yourself and put the rest into family savings? You weren't expecting that much so take a bit as a reward and put the rest in savings for the family.

Most voters have only read the opening post I would bet. I think those that have read in full have voted differently?
I understand your point OP. I think in your shoes I would use some for family but you deserve the majority of it. Hope you are fully recovered, and well done on pursuing your claim.

You sound so cold @ImNotSharing have you had counselling after your trauma? If it were me I’d spend some on myself, some on the kids and family and save the rest. If I were your husband I’d be questioning our marriage if you chose to keep it all and spend it on yourself.

Maybe my thoughts differ as i'm a single mum, but i would spend half doing what I want to do with the money and half as family money. I would never be able not share with my children.

You sound cold.

OP, did you feel let down by a lack of support from your family in relation to your injuries or something? Just trying to understand why you feel so strongly that this money should benefit you alone. Is it some sort of punishment for them because they didn't step up as you felt that they should?

I don't think so. The OP comes off worse in the subsequent posts. I've read all of them and still think she's being massively unreasonable.