To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

It's NOT the same. That's an inheritance, whereas OP's is compensation for having suffered terribly.

OP was it voluntary, cosmetic surgery gone wrong? You mentioned facial disfigurement. You say your husband said to chalk it up to experience.

If yes, the experience may have left you with deep trauma that whether you share the money or not I would advise you to deal with via counselling ASAP so that whatever your decision on how to spend the money, you enjoy it!

@ImNotSharing , could it be that the amount of the award has actually brought to the forefront how serious the issue was, whereas before your family/you had been downplaying it a little? Whereas now the amount is validating your trauma, and it is hitting you harder?

In hindsight, do you feel they weren't very supportive of your claim, and felt you were overblowing it all? In which case, I can understand your feelings.

On the surface you may feel they were supportive etc, but perhaps now you're looking back and feeling differently, especially if they're rubbing their hands in glee.

What about putting the money spent on medical bills back into the family pot if they have already been paid. That way the family money is where it would be before the accident.

Here, it would be mostly family money and id keep some for myself. However, my DH is a go with the flow person so I generally make the financial decisions.

I so understand you wanting to keep some for yourself. You deserve it after what sounds like an awful accident. Id be inclined to do something along the lines of 25% in the family pot to cover the expenses, 25% to pay a chunk off the mortgage - mainly to decrease the interest spent and 50% to decide what to do with yourself. You may end up wanting to do some family things with it but with such a chunk of money Id want to take my time rather than rush decisions on what to spend it on. Although id be tempted to buy a new handbag first.

To be fair, I’m not sure if greedy is the correct word, perhaps unnecessary is better. He is a very laid-back, doesn’t want to rock the boat, sort of character and didn’t think it was worth the effort.

I didn’t add any detail to the OP because I don’t think it changes the financial side of things. We have always had joint finances and as I said previously he is financially generous. Opinions around why I took the action I did, don’t really change the fact that the money is coming.

I’ve read OP’s posts but not all the responses. Well done on fighting for your compensation and not settling.

Ultimately it’s your decision how you spend this money but the advice of a financial advisor would be pretty sensible. Paying off a chunk of the mortgage (or any other debt) would significantly reduce the interest you pay back which benefits everyone, you could always reduce the amount you pay each month if you wanted access to hobby money. Similarly investing it in the right place will allow it to grow and perhaps you spend the interest?

I understand the university dilemma as I felt a bit like this when I received an unexpected inheritance. (I was v happy to splurge on a family holiday though) But surely it doesnt have to be all or nothing.. for example an ISA for each child allows them a cushion but leaves plenty left over.

Unless you fly planes or helicopters I’m struggling to think of a hobby that would burn through that type of money!

You sound like you’re trying to excuse the fact you’ve been seeing it as your money, but until posting here you didn’t even consider reimbursing the joint account for the costs you had BOTH covered to get your claim settled. So, that does actually speak to a bit of inherent selfishness, I think.

You're saying you gained nothing while you looked after your family? You both gained.

I would maybe spend some of the money on therapy, as I feel your balance is out of whack.

As its a big amount of money, I would pay off mortgage as you can, or invest in a pension for yourself, or put away for children.

I agree with ForCosyLion

I wouldn't be happy being married to someone who thinks they should benefit from my pain and suffering. I also know my husband would never think for one minute that compensation was "family money" that he should get a share in.

But it's not OP's fault that her salary was affected by her injuries, is it? So why should her compensation compensate the family for that? Especially as she's the one who experienced all the pain and suffering.

I think this is really showing that there is a bigger issue for you than just being selfish. Before the incident, did you feel so separated from your family? Would you normally have wanted to have experiences just for you and not for them too?

Something has happened that has made you feel like you need to protect yourself and your interests above all else. I'm not sure it's just the incident.

Agreed. I meant the same in terms of amount.

I mean I suffered terribly at the hands of my grandmother for 40 years so I did feel a bit like I’d “earned” it but I’m not saying it was the same.

I guess for me it’s less about the ethics of whether she shares or not and more about the financial irresponsibility of blowing a life changing amount of money rather than saving it for a better and more financially secure future 🤷🏻‍♀️

No she wouldn’t. The hypocrisy is clear to see - he tried to discourage her from making the claim, told her she was greedy and now wants to benefit from the six figure sum.

It is, I’m afraid, and it’s a perspective that as a parent I can’t understand or relate to. I also can’t understand or relate to the idea of being in a partnership and family, and not choosing to be mortgage free and provide a financial leg up for the dc when you have the choice.

It’s not as though you’d be sacrificing yourself, you’d then be in a better position too and enjoy clothes and hobbies… how many clothes do you want and what on earth is your hobby, to invest that amount of money in it?!

Personally i couldn’t enjoy the money knowing it could have paid off the mortgage / paid kids’ uni fees, and that isn’t me being self sacrificing, I just would never want to do anything else. I wonder whether the trauma of your accident has somehow led to a skewed perspective on this?

I think that your right to want to have say over your payout and there shouldn't be assumed that you will pay the mortgage off, it should be a decision you have some control over but I wouldn't waste it on stuff like clothes and hobbies and ultimately would put it to good use for the better of my family.

I'm just about to get a hefty redundancy package (not anywhere near as big as your payout) and the first thing I did was talk to a finacial investor about what to do with it, how I could put money away for later.

I’ve only read the OPs posts and a few other comments.

If it were me, I’d pay off the mortgage so everyone’s lives were enhanced by having such a significant amount of extra money each month.

My family are everything to me and I can’t imagine having such a significant amount of money and then not benefitting from it. Perhaps an incredible trip somewhere or even just taking each of the children out for a day of treats and making it just about them for a day.

I’d also treat myself to something memorable that I’ve always wanted but never had.

So whilst it’s my money, I’d be using it to benefit my family!

The OPs comments come across as she doesn’t really like her family or think they deserve to benefit from it.

What costs to get the claim settled? Usually the party who is paying the compensation pays the other party's legal costs, since a) they lost and b) they could have settled out of court.

This is different for everybody. In our family it would be family money. But either one of us would provide the other with extensive support going through something like this. And we both feel supported and valued in our relationship.

I'm not sure you do. Feel valued. I feel like you maybe feel a bit taken for granted, like you've served everybody else and dealt with this trauma alone. And that you deserve compensation for that. Whereas they don't deserve compensation.

If your H has had to shoulder more financial responsibility or had to do dinnertime/bedtime/school run so you could do paperwork then you should compensate for that.

Can you put half in the family pot and keep half. That's still a substantial sum for our own enjoyment while substantially helping the family. Paying the mortgage off would save you alot of money, we're just buying our house and seeing how much we'd pay back for our mortgage is shocking, it's like double. So paying a lump sum towards that to shorten the term would really benefit you both. Or paying towards your kids uni would really benefit them. You could put half up for discussion and keep half to yourself with no discussions.

But also think about how your relationship might suffer if you're swanning off on these holidays with your hobby and leaving your family at home. I'd resent DH being happy to have fun and live an extravagant life alone, I'd kinda think "well if you want to be alone, be alone.

If this happens in my family and DH considers this his own personal money even though money has always been shared, to me it’ll just be like we’re good as a team when we’re hustling but as soon as he’s well off, he’s an individual. As soon as he gets the money, I’ll be straight off to a divorce lawyer. End the marriage and get my 50% .
Good luck living off your half when you now have to now pay 100% of your bills and 50% for the kids without your husband’s salary.
As you can no longer claim you earn less than him, he only puts the same amount as you in the joint account so he can save his extra salary for his future and that of the children seeing as you don’t value any of them.

Whilst I was firmly in the "not family money" camp from the start that last update is significant.

Presumably your family has also been impacted on your ‘pain, suffering and trauma’.
It would very much be considered family money here and be used to improve everyone’s life.

After what you’ve been through I do think you absolutely deserve to use the money towards some lovely things that benefit you and make your life better - you deserve your hobby trip and new wardrobe if that’s what you think would make you happy.

I just don’t understand why it needs to be ALL of it and none of it can benefit anyone else at all? Even if it also benefits you - paying off the mortgage would also benefit you and give you more disposable income each month to spend on whatever you want. A family trip and time together and lovely memories with your kids would also benefit you. There’s no circumstances in which I could come into that sort of money and not want to spend any of it on my husband/ child and our joint family life.

I understand wanting to decide what to do with it by yourself. I was with you when you said you don’t necessarily want your husband’s opinion on what you should do with it. But that’s a different thing from not wanting him to see a penny of it. And particularly to not want your children to benefit in any way - no savings for their future, no joint holiday etc, it’s just really strange to me.

My husband had an inheritance and I absolutely saw it as his money, he sat on it in savings for a long time which is his way and I was ok with that, (though the interest benefitted us all as we used it towards a holiday). Ultimately it was used when we decided to move to a bigger house which was best for us as a family which includes him.

I think now if one of us came into a few grand we’d see it as the that person’s money (our finances are pretty much joint, outgoings covered 50/50, but we do still have separate pots for some stuff). But I can’t imagine either of us not using at least some of it to do something for all of us - a weekend away, something for the house or garden etc.

Life changing money like you’re talking about - I just can’t see a world as a parent that you don’t also want to improve your child’s life with it in some way. Even if you don’t want your husband to benefit.

I also agree with the poster who said he’d be within his rights to expect you to pay 50/50 of all bills going forward if you were sitting on this kind of money. It was your choice to be a SAHM as much as his, and you wouldn’t have his higher salary if it wasn’t for him (whereas he could absolutely have achieved a similar salary without marriage and children). I’m all for family money and recognising the contribution of a SAHM but I do think it has to go both ways a bit.

Do you generally feel quite distant from him/ your children/ everyone perhaps as a result of the trauma? Or perhaps feel that this money is some kind of tangible proof of how you suffered and perhaps you don’t feel like that’s been properly acknowledged by them? Is there still some resentment left over from the SAHM years and drop in income?

I wonder whether the trauma of your accident has somehow led to a skewed perspective on this?

Of course it does. And that's exactly why she got compensation, to deal with the affects of trauma. The money should be spent on whatever makes her feel better about the event, not paying off the mortgage.

If that's lots of therapy, hobbies and designer clothes so be it.

OP, other than your DH discouraging you making this claim, was he supportive when you were distressed by what had happened? Did he support you with the family/costs/time/listening when you needed to do things relating to the case or relating to what had happened (appointments, taking extra responsibility for the children, etc). Assuming this is a surgical mishap, did he support you in the course of getting that?

I think those things might make a big impact on how you now feel.

You say he's financially generous. He probably won't be anymore.