To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Family money just like his salary is that you’re happy to treat as joint

Ive read all ops posts but not all reaponses.

I feel mortgage paying off money should be family noney but 20% or so should be ops to spend without any questioning.

When dh and I have inherited we have spend as our money but family focused and ensured we did some financial planning.

OP, I’m wondering how old your children are. Who would be keeping the family going while you were pursuing your hobby abroad?

I find your whole mindset incomprehensible. Even if I considered the compensation and the spending decisions mine alone, I would want to choose to use most of the money to make the people I love happy. I can only imagine that you have felt badly treated/taken for granted by your DH and children in the past and want to get your own back. Seems really troubling to me, and a terrible example to set to your children.

I've read all of the OP's posts and I still think she is unreasonable.

But I do think it would be a very good idea for her to spend at least some of the compensation money on therapy for herself.

Everyone saying it should be joint because DH supported me to be a SAHM, I find that pretty laughable. It was a financial decision, which benefited both of us. He loves his job and got to to climb the ladder and travel. I stayed with the DC. I did the sick days and the life admin and all the drudgery that comes with that. And then as soon as they were old enough to go to school I returned to full time employment.

I wasn’t swanning around doing coffees or shopping or making the home look nice.

Anyway, I take on board the compromise comments and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I am aware that on paper he has an entitlement to the money due to our marriage. I won’t be letting this cause a wedge between us, I just was surprised he seem to think he had an equal say in how it would be spent. I’ve always considered it mine, even before it was won.

I think it's very reasonable to want to go on a solo trip, especially if it's for a hobby of yours. Do you feel like you wouldn't be 'allowed' to do that using money from the joint account? Not necessarily that your husband would prevent you, but that you'd feel awkward about raising it.

The thing is, if you did use this money to pay off the mortgage for example, there'd be more in the joint account anyway because you and your husband would no longer be making mortgage contributions every month. So it's not like the money would just vanish, you'd still have extra to spend on clothes or your hobby if you wanted (although it wouldn't be as a lump sum). I'd be asking yourself why you feel you can do all that stuff if it's 'your' money, but not if it's coming out of the joint account.

@ImNotSharing I have been in your situation almost exactly. My compensation is mine. It is invested and I try to maintain the capital and spend the interest so it will last throughout my lifetime.

It is spent on big holidays, house renovations and cash gifts to our adult kids. If I wanted to buy something for myself then I would and do. DH has his own money and whilst ultimately all of our assets are ours, that compensation pot is most definitely mine.

I hope you are recovering from the very real ordeal of the legal process and court. It’s absolutely brutal. Congratulations on getting through it.

It is unbelievable that your solicitor even took it on if thought compensation would only be 15k, to have misjudged that though and the amount be 200k is astounding!

It is family money op. Your family I'm presuming supported you throughout your ordeal, your dh financially supported you while you were a sahp.

Keep 5k for a treat the rest pays off the mortgage imo.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and have worked hard to get compensation. So I can sort of see where you are coming from. But I also think there has to be a middle ground where you get to keep a chunk, say 25 per cent, that you spend as you please, with the rest put away in whatever account can earn the best interest, and you take some time to think about what else you might want to spend it on once you have used the 25pc. I can't imagine finding enough things to spend 200k on just for myself!! So inevitably I would end up either putting some towards the mortgage if the maths made that a better option than savings, or putting it towards uni or house deposits for the kids if the maths made those better options. You could even keep £100k for yourself and £100k towards uni fees. But either way I don't think I could keep it all just for me. It sounds like you definitely deserve to treat yourself, but perhaps just pause before you commit the full amount to things that only benefit you.

Best wishes

I do actually find it insane that you don’t want to spend at least a good chunk of it on your children. Absolutely treat yourself too but life changing sums of money and you don’t want your children to benefit? Did you actually want children?! I’m not so sure I’d put it towards uni fees necessarily as I’m not sure they are worth it anymore, and there are loans. But to not want to have something set aside to help them get set up in life? Alternatively, If you paid off the mortgage you’d have a lot extra cash for hobbies too but then everyone would benefit and you don’t want that?

It’s reading like ‘his money is our money and my money is my money’. When we have inherited, or husband has got bonuses it’s always treated it like ‘our money’ as it helps us get the holidays or lifestyle we want. We always talk about what to spend it on and sometimes it’s a case of saying he treats himself. My husband and I are pretty close in terms of income but he gets bonuses. You’ve benefitted form your husband’s hard work and been able to be a SAHM, did you not want to?! I get that if the roles were reversed and he said ‘well I’ve worked and you haven’t’ That would be ridiculous because you’ve been raising his children, so I don’t get the double standards. This post has blown my mind. Maybe there is some sort of complex PTSD going on?

You’ve done exactly what I’d do. I suggested it upthread.

I think maybe you need a new family who matter more to you.

Thank you @Holidaywarning I kept the OP brief intentionally because I was very interested in the vote. I don’t mind answering questions and adding detail. It seems that almost 80% of people consider it joint. Fair enough.

Oh and pursing the claim - I strongly encourage anyone who has had something happen to them, to do it. DH wasn’t interested. Thought I should chalk it up. Thought it was ‘one of those things’ and it was greedy?! Not sure if that is the right word. He also thought I had zero chance of success. So I do feel a bit like I won this money in spite of him, if that makes sense.

If I was in your position (and I believe you’ve alluded to the amount being around £200,000) I would probably split it.

I can’t imagine not wanting to give my children some of that money, regardless of how I got it, or even spending it on a family holiday.

In your position I would probably invest £75k, split £75k between the kids, spend £20k on a holiday and keep £30k for myself.

I don’t think my own morals would allow me to keep it all for myself. And I would expect DH to do a similar split if it was him receiving the money too

You would honestly be delighted that you were married to such a selfish person who wanted to spend a huge amount on hobbies and clothes?

I’ve just realised I came into a similar amount of money after my grandmother died.

I pay off as much as I could of the mortgage (20% overpayment was allowed) then I set up an investment account and gradually moved it over to a S&S ISA for me and junior ISAS for the kids.

I didnt feel a need to spend it on nice clothes or handbags or holidays because I already had enough income for that.

Gently, OP, you might do. I would love to have the option to not send my kids off to start life with uni debts, and still have money left over to do a family holiday, solo holiday, and still have money to keep in my own pot for hobbies and the like.

Did you feel very alone and unsupported when you were working towards the claim? Were your family hostile or made life difficult for you? You say you don’t want a running away fund because you are a happy unit, but in my happy unit I would love to be able to share what I have (especially if I could still selfishly keep a bit for my own fun).

Would you consider talking to a therapist or counsellor about why you feel so strongly that this large amount of money is yours and not to be shared? It couldn’t hurt, even if the therapist can just find a way for you to express why you feel it’s yours alone in a clearer way.

He thought it was greedy? That post changes everything - why on earth didn’t you put it in the OP?

I think maybe you need a new family who matter more to you.

😆 thanks for the laugh. It seems to me that any mother on this site who dares to prioritise themselves or stand up for themselves gets demonised. No you are right, I should have just told the other side to make the cheque payable to DH.

The court awarded this payment to you and you alone for your suffering. It is for you to decide what you do with this payment 💐

If your OH feels the same then that's absolutely fine. What is right for others may not be right for you. I can see both sides but ultimately it's between you and your OH. Good luck OP. I hope you are recovering well.

I suppose it's hard to know exactly without having been in that position, but I do think if my DH had been severely injured, including facial injuries, and had been through a long recovery from physical and mental trauma, and then the court case, that I would be delighted to see him happy again.

Honestly it's easy to say 'if he had 200k coming, i'd let him keep it all' when he does not have it and you do.

Because, no you wouldn't.

There is not one part of me that believes you think that you deserve this money for your sacrifice of being a SAHM, but would champion him keeping his despite the fact you clearly have some bitterness there about supporting him to be the bigger earner through the years.

Pay the mortgage off, have some family holidays, treat yourself, if you pay the house off then you both always have more money anyway? You both benefit from the lack of mortgage and have more money monthly. Unless you only pay a tiny share of the house then I don't see how that wouldn't be a great option.

Honestly, as a PP has said, you've made your mind up. But I'm sure it'll be the end of your marriage if you spend hundreds of thousands on yourself.

Funny how money was happily joint when he was bringing it in, but now it's your turn - nah. I'd divorce you in a heartbeat

Ah, but to judge the husband for that comment the OP would need to tell us exactly what the injuries were and how they were caused.

I do think it comes down to the amount… £5k/£10k then I would’ve said buy the kids a toy or computer game and blow the rest on what you like.
£200k is a significant amount of money, and invested well for your kids, could be life changing.