To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

I commented before I read all your posts op @ImNotSharing Ive changed my mind .
If it was £20k yes I’d think it’s your money .
At the £200k level it can change the whole families life and as a mum I can’t think what I’d change about my life that wouldn’t impact my kids .
Are you saying you will spend all the money on yourself and none on your dh ?
Or are you saying you believe the choice is yours if you want to ti do that ?

If your dh spent all that money on himself and none on you or the kids , do you think that would be right in marriage ?

What does your dh want to spend the money on if he has access to it ?

I think it depends on what makes you happy. And definitely that should be YOUR choice and not your husbands. (Gently it does come across as though this is the main issue).
Yes of course you deserve a reward after whatever went on and the massive work you did for justice and the pay out. A talisman of that, say a beautiful piece of jewellery to keep for ever and some other treats, solo trip, clothes etc- fine. But would it also not make you happy to celebrate with family holidays, spending more than usual on the kids?

Then also think longer term. How wonderful to invest in giving your kids university education, clearing family debt and giving yourself the peace of mind and a nest egg for the future. A future you discuss with your husband but YOU control.

I wasn't suggesting that the OP shouldn't spend her compensation as she wishes - I was disputing the idea that spending money on others means prioritising them above yourself as I think you can do nice things for others for the selfish pleasure it brings you.

I do think it's a bit unusual that the OP doesn't express any ill-feeling towards her family, but also says she wouldn't get any pleasure from doing anything with her husband or children, but that's up to her. 🤷🏻

I cannot fathom your thought process.

I think you are utterly and completely unreasonable. If I was your DH I would be questioning who I had married.

Imagine sitting with £250k in the bank and not wanting to take your kids on holiday, pay off a whack of the mortgage so all your lives were easier and more comfortable?!? I actually can't imagine it.

Who on Earth needs £250k for clothes and hobbies?!?!!?

In my house we'd each get a lump sum to spend as we wished, maybe £10k, we'd take the kids on a trip of a lifetime and then we'd use the rest for our shared, collective future. Which would benefit us ALL.

Your compensation schedule will break down the payment into two sections: damage and loss. Under those sections it will break down the payment further. I suggest you keep what strictly belongs to you.

To use an example from my own life following an RTA my husband was involved in:

Replacement of helmet, leathers, boots, gloves, etc. That went into our joint account as he'd already paid out of that account to replace those items so it seemed fair.

Loss of income (including a sum for any future loss of income). That also went into our joint account because his income (and mine) goes into our joint account.

Compensation for treatments. That also went into our joint account because the payment for these treatments had come out of the joint account.

Damage to his motorbike. That also went into our joint account because payment for the new motorcycle came out of our joint account.

Pain and suffering, now that went into his own account because even though I had supported him during that time, he had experienced the pain and suffering and so we considered that was his money to keep.

In a nutshell, this is why compensation payments are accompanied by a schedule so that you can determine who should get paid what at a granular level. If you were to keep all of it as a lump sum without 'paying back / paying forward' any of the amounts above, in theory, your husband could sue you for these.

Wtf is wrong with you people it's her money for her pain and suffering! It's not money to be shared amongst the family!!

OP I received a large compensation sum from an incident where I was hit by a car whilst riding my horse. The driver killed my horse and nearly killed me. The money was clearly budgeted by my solicitor to show why she was claiming so much. It was quite easy to divide the money up from that;

Money to replace the items damaged - I bought a new riding helmet, new boots, new horse.

Money for pain and suffering - I spent around 10k on putting myself back the way I was before the incident, cosmetic tattoos to cover scarring, therapy, mounjaro to lose the several stone I gained from comfort eating and drinking lots of alcohol due to trauma and new clothes when my current ones stopped fitting.

Money for care costs incurred for me and my baby because I couldn't look after her, shared amongst the family members who did the caring in tej form of gifts and weekends away because none of them would take my money, they insisted it was mine and they would never have not looked after me and found being paid for it insulting (not like the money grubbers here!)

Money for future costs of keeping my new horse who costs a lot more than my old one because I have to pay for more expensive board at a fancy stable to be able to avoid riding on the road which I absolutely cannot due to PTSD. So of the remaining sum I bought a new car because I needed one anyway but couldn't afford one before, took us all on a nice family holiday then put the rest in a high interest account. It is my horses money, from my old horse for my new horse. It's for vet bills, unexpected costs etc. it's no one else's and if my husband tried to claim he had the right to have half of it I would be furious! But then my family all insisted it was my money and my husband wouldn't take a penny of it, he even insisted on paying for half of the holiday I took us on which I refused. He's a good man, saw what the trauma did to me and wants me to spend the money on feeling better and trying to be as normal as I can be, which will never be fully achievable but I'm doing pretty well.

The portion that is for lost income and care fees should go into your joint account. The rest is yours.

These money grubbers need to back off and honestly all these posters just look grabby and see dollar signs.

Does your husband get bonuses at work? If he does, how are these spent? Jointly or does he keep it all?

OP hasn’t said she’d spend lots on those things. She has said she’d not see her DC go without.

@ImNotSharing sounds like you have been through a horrendous time with the injury and the legal system.

You said you had a facial injury. Do you need treatment for it now? Will you need reconstruction? Do you need therapy?
If so, how much will these costs be?
Your compensation should absolutely be used for this.

If you have any spare money, you absolutely should treat yourself - what do you like to do? Shopping? Travel? A hobby? Give yourself a budget. £2k? £5k? £7k?

If there is any money spare from the above, it would be family money.

Prioritize the money into the following pots:

1. Ongoing health treatment and therapy money
2. A budgeted treat for @ImNotSharing
3. Any spare cash after 1 & 2 to be family money

You sounds like quite an irritating person, who struggles to see things from a range of angles. A bit my way or the high way. The best part is that your dh has been paying in more than you over the years. "I have birthed his children" sounds so childish, all biological mothers birth their children many of us contribute more salary than our husbands despite being mother shock horror yeah. Your posts don't sound too clever.

Be mindful this windfall isn't the beginning of the end of your marriage. What are you planning to spend mortgage level money on? Botox and designer clothes? Cosmetic surgery?

I could never see such money as only mine because my family's happiness comfort and wellbeing = my now happiness comfort and wellbeing.

So my H has a “big career” that my being a SAH has helped facilitate and raise the two children.

Acknowledging that him carrying the financial responsibility for a household and all 4 people during some times he might have like that burden to be a little easier, staying in jobs until he found another, working long hard hours, sometimes weekends, some nights, many evenings has never been taken for granted.

Even with the firm filling, court proceedings, that is a big lump of cash that would take H many months to clear net.

If I said “this money is just mine” he would, quite rightly, hit the fucking roof. If things were required for my recovered from the incident that would be accommodate without hesitation. But the rest would be used to make the family’s life easier.

I have inheritance from my parents, in theory it’s mine, but it’s not, it’s being saved for the teenagers as eventually property deposits, or at least a big chunk as contribution. That is money H doesn’t have to earn net, meaning he can retire earlier.

Personally @ImNotSharing being in a similar financial set up, having a solid marriage and children I think you are displaying an odd attitude to this money, as in everything else seems to be family money but now you can bring to the family pot you want to keep it.

I wouldn’t, my H wouldn’t. If I did it would likely alter our general couple attitude to money, in that it’s just something you need to live and do some fun stuff with. Together, working towards a goal. It would rock our foundations if either of us got a huge sum and kept it as “ours” possibly creating cracks that would never fully close or completely break over time. So I think it’s a risk you might be taking keeping it, or even suggest you keep it, as yours, just yours,

My DH has been gifted more money than you got in your compensation, from his parents over the last 2-3 years. His parents, technically his money. Only difference is he didn't keep it for himself but we used it to pay off the house.

I read a few of your posts before deciding what I thought and I think you are unreasonable. It almost comes across like you resent your partner. Weird.

so you were a SAHP for a while, and he earned the money that he has to go out and work for - just like you had to complete and work for the claim.
did you help him with his work? Did you do his work for him? No probably - so how come he has to share that money with you?

family money here and it sounds like you’re prepared to cause an argument and it’s really quite sad what money can do to people x

I think you are being a bit selfish here, specially when you say that if this was the other way around you'd probably expect it to be family money, why? That's crazy! I'd consider it reasonable if you'd keep a part for you and the rest family money with you probably having more say in what it goes towards? But 75% for you seems an unafair split to me

NHS money?

Mine effectively became family money but it was up to me how it was spent; maybe that would suit you too?
My children had suffered so it gave us a buffer and I gave each child a lump sum. Some in my family said it was too much but they spent it wisely.
I didn’t plan ahead but thinking back this gave them a boost when it came to skilling up and aided them in their future careers. I think it helped them deal with the unfairness of what had happened.
It would have been easy to put the money away in an account; if there’s something you’ve wanted to have or do then you have the major say in this spending.

I agree. I wouldn’t be spending a six figure sum at all. It would be invested in my name, with the profits/dividends used for spending on the things I wanted. Invested wisely with no withdrawals it could easily double in a decade or so.

Family money is an alien concept to me, possibly because we’re not a conventional first marriage family.

I do agree that it is your money. You got it because of something that happened specifically to you.

Thinking longer term, is it going to affect your marriage if you keep it all to yourself? DH is already considering it family money.

Is there a compromise where you can spend on family but keep a significant sum for yourself?

No need for hyperbole. No one saying she was forced. But the financial hit that SAHMs take is undeniable so why wouldn’t her husband be paying proportionally more of the mortgage since his earning capacity hasn’t been affected in the same way?

Interesting dilemma

You suffered the injury so seems fair that you receive the compensation . That was my first thought

But he supports you financially and that would suggest an "our money" approach to money generally

It's also worth bearing in mind that, if the marriage is happy and everything will go to the children eventually, do you want this to cause conflict?

Does it matter?

Does it matter to you that I asked?

You’re totally missing the point. Did DH go through severe emotional and physical trauma to receive that money?

Does it matter to you that I asked you why it matters where the money came from? What difference does it make to OP’s question about whether it’s family money or not?

And that's what OP did for her DH FAMILY!

Fixed it for you