To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Op's posts conjure up images of Gollum and his precious 💍😂

Why does my question have to make a difference?

As a family your life will be easier if the mortgage is paid off earlier. You don't have to completely clear it, and maybe for now you invest £100k waiting for the next remortgage cycle, but I think it is to your benefit too if a % is used for that.

As you must be aware you never know what is round the corner. You seem very confident that your DH can continue to earn at his current level - what if he has a life changing accident next week? You need to be psychologically prepared to chuck this money into the pot if needed I think.

I'd probably keep some for myself, but then put rest to family pot or a holiday. Personally I'd probably invest a chunk for kids future to help them get on housing ladder (but I wouldn't tell them), but I'm a saver and would make me happy knowing I could make sure kids are looked after.

If it was me and was £200k which i think was implied above. £25k each invested for my kids future in 10-15years time for house buying. £100k in family pot, £10k on really decent family holiday. Rest for me or other joint stuff.

I would say it's your money but I would use it to benefit the family.

Do you think part of the issue is that you haven’t even got the money, and already you’re being dictated to as to what to do with it? Like you’ve got no control over it? I feel you could feel better if you put the majority of it in an account that can’t be accessed for a year. Then let things settle, and see how you feel about it after that. Tell your husband you need to drop the conversation for a while. I felt similar about an inheritance. My feelings have changed since having a breather where no one is allocating the money to things before the money had even got to me.

Tbh I view all money that comes into our family/marriage as joint. Used my inheritance to help buy us a house etc. I did think that DH felt the same way - and while we pool and share everything, it transpired recently that he doesn’t quite see it in the same way!

Often wonder if he has a sudden windfall or his parents leave him anything to inherit, it will be interesting to see what happens!

Really simple OP, if and when you get divorced it’s joint money. So that makes it joint money now. It is family money. If you can see that, your marriage is over.

@ImNotSharing

I think its pretty clear from various comments here that this isn't just a clearcut decision.

Given the money is vastly more than you ever anticipated... and you've just recently come to know the value, I personally think making ANY decisions right now wouldn't benefit anyone. You could splurge the money and not feel as fulfilled as you'd hope, you could share it and end up feeling resentful, you could declare you're keeping it and your husband might feel hurt etc.

Personally I would put it aside in a short term savings account. I would do some therapy work to work on yourself... you seem very uptight, angry and self absrobed (I'm not saying that to be rude, I think its built up trauma, anger and anxiety coupled with the sheer exhaustion of having to fight your case and deal with some personal injuries).

I think you will feel less pressured and less like you need to be in control in 6 months time. And then you can make a more informed and thought provoked decision.

If in the meantime £10k would accommodate something nice for your hobby (which I'm actually interested to know what it is lol) then I think that might also be a good investment to a) treat yourself in the meantime and b) help you mentally recuperate.

Ooo this is a tricky one and I can understand all the arguments for it being family money but also all the arguments for it being your money.
I kinda feel like as it’s compensation for something that you have suffered/ still dealing with and you put in all the legwork to claim it then it should be your money. Though I would probably chose to spend some of it on some family treats.

As other posters have suggested, I think there is a middle ground somewhere. I completely agree that you should have final say in any spending of the payout - so it should be viewed as your money. However- given the amount - it would seem selfish not to use some of it for a fabulous holiday for you all and to also use some to shorten the term of your mortgage or share the ‘benefit’ of the compensation with your DH in other ways. . I wouldn’t want it to just dissipate into the mundane pot if new windows and carpets etc either. You should absolutely spend on your wardrobe/hobbies as you choose.
It sounds as though the injury and legal process have both been traumatic and so spending some on some good counselling may also be something to consider. Really hope you find a way to use the money to improve and enhance your life and how you are feeling - as the closure of a quest like this can also be more traumatic and difficult than people expect. 💐

Oooh this is an interesting scenario!
It was you that suffered facial injuries, had to deal with the resulting pain and sounds as though you got extra help from your wider network with family stuff that you weren’t able to do as your DH schedule/work didn’t allow him to?
The payout is far greater than you were expecting so I think if I was in your shoes I would keep back the 20 000 I was expecting to spend as you wish, savings or whatever but the rest of it, I would honestly pay off some of the mortgage and split between your children’s savings accounts.
I personally think that is the fairest solution, you are being compensated for your pain and suffering, filling in the forms and the tenacity you showed in not backing down but your family are also benefiting by the payout being more and that through your DH support you were able to pursue.
Someone who was working 2 jobs as single parent dealing with that situation probably wouldn’t have been able to fight it to the same degree, by being with your DH you were able to expend the time and energy to see it through.
If you’re looking at actual proportions I think I’d keep 25% and 75% goes into the family finances, not to be frittered on the mundane but a chunk off the mortgage and children’s ISAS.

Regardless of what happens to the money, this shows a huge division in financial attitudes in the relationship and that needs considering how you move forward.

“It’s compensation for my pain, my suffering and my trauma.”

There’s no way this incident hasn’t had deep and long-lasting impact on your husband and family, too. You’re coming across as incredibly selfish OP.

Can you imagine the future posts on here… “I’m saddled with student debt, thus need three part-time jobs whilst my indulgent mother buys herself another cashmere cost from Max Mara and complains I don’t call her enough”

So I have been thinking about this more overnight.

I think if this were me, I would think I clearly needed to set aside a good chunk for some professional support - it sounds like it has been an extremely stressful and traumatic process throughout and you might well benefit from support processing that.

I think I would then want to set another chunk aside for additional costs you may incur in the future. I.e. you say it's a facial injury, so might you require plastic surgery that the NHS won't pay for if something changes in the future, or you might be more likely to need a cataract operation or some other random thing I can't think of now. I would probably also want to set a good chunk aside to allow for really good skincare in case my face was now much more sensitive than before or only accepted particular products.

Then I would want a chunk of cash to give me some "recovery". Be that a meditation retreat or a 6 week sabbatical from work if I could wrangle it, or more time and money spent on my hobby or a combination of them all, along with any other bits in that realm.

Then there would be a chunk that was definitely due to the family as a result of loss of wages etc while it was going on.

And then the rest I think I would probably either split 50:50 between the family and me, or put it into the family pot, depending basically on what proportion I had ended up with after working through the various costs above.

We have joint finances, as in pay most of our salaries into joint account and each keep set amount each month, plus any extras (back pay, income from selling our stuff etc., bday money). In our set up compensation money would be the injured parties, especially with all the extra work. Whatever the amount of compensation if any costs of getting it came from joint finances that would be paid back first before any other consideration (even if that meant all the injured party had out of the compensation was a nice ice cream). Funnily, we would likely be reverse to your thinking, if the amount left over after costs was small the injured party would likely go treat themselves with the other one’s blessing. Though can’t imagine not doing something for the whole family. With mortgage paying off level money, the decision would still be the injured person’s, but bulk would go to paying off the mortgage, cause it significantly drops the costs over time, unless the early pay off fee was comparable to the potential savings from doing that. If there would be substantial money leftover it would go to ours/kids savings. There would still be treating ourselves and as I say the decision would be the person’s who won the compensation claim with no expectations on what they will do. It’s just this is how both of us would freely choose to allocate the funds.

But compensation isn't for treatment of injuries. It's meant to compensate for pain and suffering.

No, he supported a wife who did.

If the marriage isn't strong enough for her to want to share this money with her OH and kids after buying herself whatever therapy she still needs plus a decent present, then I wouldn't put money on her still having a relationship after the kids have left for Uni.

My husband was knocked off his bike. Quite a serious accident. Was in hospital for 10 days. Multiple injuries. We have joint financies . When he got his money from the insurance claim we (but more I) decided he should keep it. It was his accident and his pain and suffering. He has fully recovered.

But you will end up funding them at least partly at uni won't you, so you are just. taking it from your future self?

My husband would never try to stop me spending some of this for fun but I'm surprised you don't WANT to spend some of it and family stuff. Has he just presumed/ pushed this and it is making you feel used or manipulated so that you want to do the opposite?

I think this is sensible - pay back into the joint account what you have taken out ie the 25% and then keep the rest under your control.
It maybe worth getting in contact with a financial advisor for advice as to how best to manage this unexpected windfall.
It could be that you need further medical care down the line and it's good to know you have a buffer there. Or need counselling.....
Equally, with the work you have put in, you have sort of earned the money, so in a way it is yours to manage. Maybe top up your pension....
Also hobbies are a sort of therapy, which you no doubt need to offset the impact of this accident on your life.
I think there is also a psychological need to have control of this money, as you have lost some control of your life through this accident and then working so hard to get the compensation. This is not meant negatively but compassionately, as I know what a huge impact these sorts of things can have on your life.

It’s family money as you’re married.

@ImNotSharing i don’t quite get your perspective in all honesty. You say you fought for the money and DH wouldn’t have bothered which makes it yours but I assume he works hard (fights you could say) for his job to earn his wage which is ‘family money’. I kind of see this the same as I’d see an inheritance. It would go in my bank account to spend but I’d be spending it on the family. Paying some of the mortgage, saving for the kids futures, family holidays, yeh maybe a bit of personal spending because that is how I spend all my money - on my family - but I wouldn’t be so fixated on it being ‘mine’ this is a really odd way to think of it in a secure family unit IMO.

edited to add - wow after ready your last couple of posts you are coming across even more unreasonable and completely selfish. So you don’t want to fund your kids uni fees out of it - but I assume you want your husband to have to fund these out of his wages? why should he pay for everything from money he earns whilst you have this sat in the bank? I honestly don’t get it.

The effect on them is nothing compared to what the victim suffered. Of course it would have affected her family, but that is not comparable to being the person who suffered the injury. My dad got compensation for industrial injuries in the region of what OP's got, and his illness affected me enormously. I was the one who took care of him, and I'm the one who was deprived of a father when he died of his injuries. But the compensation was his, not mine. He spent lots of it! Also gave lots of it away. His injuries affected me very much, but it would never have occurred to me to ask for some of his compensation. And as much as his injuries affected me, it was nothing compared to what he suffered.

I don't think this is as black and white as it seems on the surface. I understand that you have suffered as a result of whatever happened, and have put a huge amount of time and energy into the compensation claim, so feel you have 'earned' it in a sense. Was your husband supportive of the claim, or was he the one telling you to give it up? If he was saying that, was it because he was worried about the strain on you of pursuing it, or just fed up of it taking up your time? You say your wider support network picked up the slack at your most poorly, was that because he was unwilling, or because he was unable due to having to earn and keep the show on the road? Would he say he did the equivalent of 'doing the research, filling in the paperwork, undergoing assessments, suffering the stress' in his work environment? Or is his job 9-5 and relatively easy? Massively simplifying there but I hope you get the gist. I wonder if you feel you won the compensation in spite of your husband, not because of him (in terms of his support) and that is colouring your opinion?
Just some other points to consider.