To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Honestly? Yes I think it is unreasonable

I wouldn't think it unreasonable if you kept say 50k back just for you . Like you said, the money is here because of a trauma you had and your fight in pursuing the claim.

I do very much think the impact of all of that will not have negatively affected your husband and kids though.

You will not have felt that all alone, and even though you feel your husband did not support you practically due to his job, it sounds like if he wasn't working, then the family finances would have taken the hit?

I do think you should put the rest of the money into savings/mortgage pay off/ supporting the kids future / travel that both you and dh had a say in.

You are supposed to be a team.

If I was your partner in this situation, I'd think you pretty selfish and it would honestly make me question things and how I would view the relationship moving forwards

It would be mine but would be spent or saved for the benefit of the family.

I am very late to the converation, I voted family money, however there's a condition, it becomes family money after some of it had been spent entirely on me.

Dh and I fully combine our finances, its the easiest way we manage because I deal with finances and sort the bills etc.

He recieved a substantial payment several years ago and we used the majority of it to convert the garage into a home office, it benefits mainly him. However, myself and the children have use of it too. So the agreement was he would use some of it to treat himself to something related to his hobby. He did and he uses the item most days.

If I was to receive a similar payout, we would do the same

Is there not some sort of compromise? Meeting in the middle?
even if not putting into the household, giving each member of the family a bit of ‘fun’ money. Even if the kids does go into a pot.

I must admit I would probably be really resentful seeing my DH sit on a large sum of money that felt ‘inaccessible’ to me.

I couldn't fathom receiving that much money and not putting it in the family pot.

However, I have also never been in the position of going through a life-changing injury followed by a stressful period of legal proceedings.

I think if I was feeling how you were if have a discussion with my husband and split the money. Perhaps enough in the joint fund to cover missed earnings/what would have been the expected windfall would be fair?

You’re being so so unreasonable yes. As a mother and wife, there’s no way I could gatekeep that amount of money. I also had an accident (due to negligence) many years ago that left me with a disability, the money went into the family pot. Not once did it cross my mind to spend it all on myself.

This smacks of 'What's yours is mine, what's mine's my own' and doesn't sit right with me at all. My DH would be wanting me to not spend some on myself, but we would certainly be considering paying the mortgage off as all that money that we pay out each month would then be ours to do with as we liked - we would still have the money but in a different form!

And I speak as someone whose career has been limited greatly by supporting my DH's career; but my inheritance still went on things for the family.

If I was your DH I would take this as notice that you don't really see the two of you as a team.

@ImNotSharing i think payment is your money , i also believe if he received the same sort of payment it would also be his money.
Have the payment sent to your bank account only . If you feel you want to treat you both or give him a voucher /sum gift like you will the kids then Great. However this is most definitely your money.

I don’t think it’s about owing one another but more about consistency/fairness in how you handle money.

If the ongoing arrangement for many years was that all the earnings the family had were freely shared in a joint pot and in that time the money all came from her husband then earmarking this particular money as solely hers feels unfair.

I think if OP were saying she felt like she should be the key decision maker and she wanted to enhance her pension or similar people would broadly support that and think it fair enough since, having been a SAHP, her pension is likely much smaller and in the long term her having a decent income in retirement is also a family benefit.

Honestly if there was something specific she wanted to buy that was expensive that would help her process the trauma she has been through or improve her quality of life I would 100% be saying that was reasonable. What feels off to me is saying “I just want it to be only mine. I pursued the claim and that was my effort so it should belong to just me”. That’s what has invited the comparison to salaries and how they were shared in the past.

So you have over 200k and want to blow it on hobbies and clothes whilst DH continues to pay most of the bills? Honestly, if my DH did that I would be divorcing him. It shows a clear lack of respect and consideration for the family unit and for DH who has paid the bills whilst you waste money.

ETA, unless you have millions, I would also massively judge anyone who wasted 200k on clothes and hobbies. It shows a complete lack of financial sense

My DH was in a similar situation but a civil claim. He paid off the mortgage and never thought about doing anything else. I can’t understand your thinking that it’s only yours when what happened to you will have undoubtedly affected your family and led to all of them adapting round you. Fine, keep a chunk to buy yourself a Chanel handbag or whatever but imo it would be unconscionable not to improve the life of your family with it.

For the household the best thing financially could be putting it into the mortgage.

For you personally, pension still seems the obvious to me, unless you and your H already boosted it from the household or other income.

What do you want to do with the money OP? You said you have facial injuries - do you want to use this money to address those? That’s the only thing I can think of that would be reasonable to me to keep it all to yourself. Do you resent that your husband wasn’t there enough for you during this ordeal and is that why you want to keep it to yourself?
If it was me, I’d be clearing the mortgage in a heartbeat and removing that burden from my marriage. It sounds like you’ve been through an awful time, and using this money to remove a burden like the mortgage from yourself and your husband could do wonders for your marriage long term?

I’ve never commented on a post on Mumsnet before but couldn’t scroll by on this one.
I genuinely don’t understand why you don’t consider keeping half for you and half for family. Then you get the best of both worlds. Surely your family were impacted by the situation?
It does sound like you have already made your mind up and have just come here for validation.
what should be a positive outcome and lovely opportunity for your family feels quite sad.
don’t let money ruin what sounds like a lovely family life.

@ImNotSharing I don’t think you are selfish or unreasonable to want to control this money from the outset.

I think you are still suffering trauma. I think controlling the money has become a way of reclaiming your agency against what was done to you. I think you need to ‘possess’ the money for a while to feel some kind of - not satisfaction, but maybe acceptance, that your suffering was seen and acknowledged.

Maybe your husband’s speed to take control of the money is making you feel powerless again?

Is your family’s suffering ongoing, or do you think they’ve moved on?

I would start by saying you want to spend the money on trauma counselling and therapy, and then will decide after that what to do next.

💐

It’s a selfish response from OP, that money could make their family life so much more financially comfortable but instead of that she’d rather say mine mine mine and fritter it on hobbies and clothes! Of course allow some for that but the amount she’s getting can do so much more

Can it not be a bit of both?
You can use some of it to buy yourself something- clothes, whatever but also some of it could go into the family savings pot?

@Clowningaroun Read OP’s posts, she’s not saying she’d spend it that way. She wants control of it. A lawyer poster has said that in the event of divorce the ‘pain and suffering’ portion of the settlement would probably belong to OP.

They wish to remain married, however, and until now have combined finances, so the situation is different.

My mind is blown reading your comments, OP. Everything my DH and I do is for the betterment of our family. Neither he or I would receive a sum of money, big or small, from any source and it not go in the family pot. My husband received a pay out 6 years ago and it immediately went on renovations so we could sell that house and buy a dream home. If he had wanted to spend that on himself I don't think I would ever have been able to forgive that. Its incredibly selfish. This is a hard world to get ahead in, you have everything you need, set your kids up! Unless you're like my mother; a raging, deluded narcissist who would spend every penny on herself while telling everyone she deserved it because of all she's ever done for her family! 🤪

Was your husband not also suffering when this trauma was going on, and supporting you through it?

I’m struggling to think what sort of trauma that warrants a sizeable compensation payout wouldn’t also affect the spouse and children of the person involved.

Wow. Consider that a man came on here and said I've been given £200k compensation. I don't want to give my wife any, although she earns more than me and contributes more to the family pot...neither do I want to give my kids any.

I want to spunk it on fishing gear and clothes for me

Imagine the response!

Im sorry you were injured op. But how do you think your husband is going to react when you tell him it's just for you.

How are your kids going to react when they realise that you could have done more for them, perhaps helping with a house deposit.?

It just seems selfish. Yes you were hurt, so I understand that it's your compo and if it were just £15k I might understand, but this is a life changing amount. If you clear the mortgage you could save the money each month and retire much earlier. If you invest it, you've got a security blanket and aid for the kids for uni etc

But spunk it if you like and see the reaction

Could not agree more. Her mind had been made up already. I can only imagine the wrath if the shoe was on the other foot.

You are about to receive “paying off the mortgage” level money and the fact you’re not considering doing that is insane.

1. Think about what security that gives you and your family. No mortgage, a paid off asset!

2. think about not paying that mortgage every month. You could do so much stuff with that money each month.

3. if you really don’t consider this family money, why not take the first three months of saved mortgage payments and go on holiday yourself or something

See in my head it would be the other way around if it was £15-20k then it would easily be your money no questions. As it well exceeds that then I would say take some for yourself but seeing as it’s a significant amount then I would definitely split it. To a % joint and % yours to do whatever. I know you keep saying it was you who filled out the paperwork and chased it but this injury happened to you, therefore yes it’s on you. You can’t think well DH wouldn’t have done it because it didnt happen to him and having a significant injury that wasnt your fault will likely make you want to chase for what’s right…like you did. If you would 100% be comfortable that your DH came into money (however it came) and went nah sorry it’s mine then yes go with that.

maybe put it into a separate savings account and you both agree it’s there for whatever fun stuff you want to do maybe, So it’s not being swallowed up by day to day. If it was me I’d either do in to thirds or quarters. 1/3 for me, 1/3 off the mortgage 1/3 for family etc doesn’t have to be all or nothing

Just to say that there are limits to the amount you can put into your pension based on what you earn. I am sure there are ways around it, but at a cost. It's due to tax relief on pension contributions.