To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

I don't disagree with that. I do disagree with keeping 100% and spending on hobbies and clothes, which was what she indicated she wanted to do at the start of the thread.

I have voted YABU on the basis that you said if your husband was in this position, he wouldn't have pursued recompense. Surely you are a team, and you'd have pursued recompense for and with him, if you have the skills - which you have proved you have!

My own view is that the money falls into two categories, and only you (or possibly a judge) can divide it up. Money for pain and suffering can be yours if you choose to keep it, or you can choose to make it family money. The rest IS family money, given the way money is shared in your family.

So you’ve received all that money and you want to keep it for yourself! You mention uni fees, why wouldn’t you put away money for the kids uni fees so that they are all covered when or if they need it?

OP I was kind of with you until it became clear is approx £200k and you still have a large mortgage.

Yes you had the injury and yes you fought for it, but would you have been able to do that if you had a job as full on as your DHs sounds? You say he couldn't even take time off to support you/the children when it happened so presumably it's high stress and high pressure not to mention you've already confirmed high earning.

It also sounds like day to day you are ok financially as can cover mortgage and bills and "some days out" so perhaps if you didn't have a mortgage, or paid down a significant % of it, it could be easier for all of you every month.

I think on balance, i'd consider it family money. I'd expect large debt to be serviced first (mortgage) at least a % anyway, then I'd allocate some to savings and take a amount each for fun money like you describe. Then month on month you can save for uni fees or whatever.

I now think you are being quite selfish here.

If your family set up is joint finances and you now want to ch age the goal posts it does sound really unreasonable. In your DP shoes it would change how I looked at you, with the counter argument he facilitated you to stay at home by fully sharing his income which he continues to do so, now you have money you don’t want to.

Do you feel you don’t have a say in how family money is spent and that’s why you feel the need to control this?

It sounds like a significant amount of money and in you situation OP i would want to discuss with my DH what we could or would do with it as a team. I would expect DH to share his work bonus money with the family as we are a unit even though I have nothing to do with how he recieved that bonus. You dont have to spend it on uni fees/kids house deposits but I would be putting some away towards helping the kids i.e 10k each. Yes buy yourself something nice, you deserve it but do you need 200k to yourself? Theres enough money to go around and do both things.

That sounds terribly selfish. Is your relationship all it could be?

I think if my DH got money in the circumstances you describe then I would insist on a proportion just for him. My DH ia leaving the navy soon and while most of his lump sum is going on savings and a nice holiday for both of us, a small bit is going to buy him a Motorbike. Marriage isn't a linear thing, and while you did the work presumabley he supported you? Or is that the real issue? You didn't feel supported in your claim?

You mention sourcing the materials needed and the legal representation etc. Did you pay for this with joint funds?

and it’s a standard feature of marriage that you share the good and bad, including specifically regarding both money and health. If the injuries had cost a lot of money in treatment and inconvenience we would not have expected that that come from her earnings only. If one partner suffers an injury that means they can’t earn much any more, the other supports them. It would be a very unusual marriage wheee she’s expected to take all the negative consequences of something alone, and it’s an equally unusual marriage to expect to keep all the positive consequences of something.

What exactly will you do with it if you do keep it all for yourself?
I honestly don't even know what I would do with that kind of money except pay off the mortgage / kids uni fees. If I were you I'd maybe keep the £15-£20k I was expecting to get and then put the rest into the house. You definitely deserve something for yourself, but the whole amount seems excessive

You didn't go off alone during that time though, did you?

Most people wouldn't be sunshine and light while fighting something like that, even assuming the time and emotional energy you spent on it didn't leave the family picking up balls you dropped.

Are you a bit bitter that you didn't get more support, and that's why you think this money should stay all yours?

So your CEO has a nanny. A nanny who provides what OP did as a SAHM.

People who have Big Jobs and children need someone to do their childcare. You've just confirmed that. And that's what OP did for her DH.

Because OP would rather spend it on her hobbies than save her kids from being saddled with debt all their working life. Or give them a leg up on the housing ladder. She doesn’t want to pay off the mortgage early as she sees her DH’s salary paying for that. Not sure why she’s got a family when she’s this self centred. Especially when she’s been at home over a decade whilst her DH was working to pay for everything. If that was my spouse, i’d never view them in the same way, especially not wanting to help her own children out.

I agree with others that this is a trauma response, and the OP is hoarding the money in an attempt to feel secure.

I’m not buying the “dragged to court” bit or the “arduous battle for compensation” though. OP says this has taken a year - that simply isn’t long enough for this matter to have been issued, litigated and tried. There is no way this matter went to trial within a year so this must have been settled at a relatively early stage.

Also, the compensation will not just be for her pain and suffering (although some will be), it will be for care she received after the accident (likely some from those very family members she doesn’t want to share with) and lost earnings (which were lost from the family pot where the they’d otherwise have done and helped towards bills and mortgage by prior agreement with DH about salaries).

Unless considerably difiguring and life changing facial injuries, the vast majority of this pay out will not be for the injury element of the claim.

This is just something you and your husband need to agree between you. In this house anything/everything is family money. DH gets an annual bonus and it's me that insists that he takes a percentage of it for himself and spends it on whatever frivolities he chooses as otherwise it would all disappear into bills and the like. Feels kinda weird to me sometimes that he works so hard and gets rewarded for that at work but it all goes into the household pot, so a good compromise is that he gets an annual treat from it and the rest is either spent or saved as we would with other income.

Perhaps something like that could work for you?

Same reason why should you get an equal say over what his salary is spent on. Why should he pay more bills because he earns more - he’s earned that money, not you

Are you also suggesting he hasn’t supported you and your family wrt your trauma etc?

Is that really so unreasonable?!

Christ almighty, yes it is.

You don't sound as if you like your children or your husband much. You do sound monumentally selfish.

Can you explain why you consider your DH’s salary family money because you supported him to work, yet this money is purely yours despite the fact if your injuries were significant he surely supported you in your recovery? Your approach to finances seem incredibly unequal

It’s such an unattractive mean trait when people are so greedy with money. My mum was so tight with money my whole life. She inherited money from my grandparents which was equivalent today of about £100,000. I remember thinking at the time how hurt I was that she didn’t even give me and my sister £10 of it. My parents were mortgage free, plenty of money, no children living at home. I was skint and on the bones of my ass and never asked for a penny in life because she had a way of making me feel ashamed if it was world book day at school and I needed to take in £1 to wear mom uniform - that sort of thing. She spent all the inheritance on herself. I was and still am appalled at the greed. It made me feel very unloved and very alone as a child and young adult. I knew she’d never catch me when I fell and I had nothing to fall back on. It created a sense of unsafety. I have huge money trauma issues now. I have huge anxiety around money.

Share the money. It represents more than the pound signs. It represents love and care.

Or she could want to spend at least some of it on herself?

i would keep 30-50% given it was an injury claim and the rest would be family money. Your DH shouldn’t have a problem with that - it sounds like you deserve to treat yourself!

Yes but she did that because she wanted to, on his salary he could afford nursery, wrap around care, childminders or whatever.

It’s a family choice for one parent to be a SAHP not a one sided honourable sacrifice on the part of the one staying at home…

If @PhaedraTwo the lawyer is right, in the event of divorce a court could ‘ring fence’ the portion of the compensation to OP for ‘pain and suffering’. ie that part of the money is OP’s.

OP and her H’s split of parenting vs earning, if fully agreed between them over the years, doesn’t mean she ‘owes’ him at all.