To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Weird comment.

I was assuming horses!

I was thinking more about this. As I said above, my DH had a very similar level of compensation to the amount the op is talking about. He kept 25% for himself alone - including a new car because he was no longer able to drive a manual car. We overpaid the mortgage and paid a chunk into investments.

I have some sympathy with the op that she doesn’t want her family all crowding round with hands out, but equally spending £200k on hobbies and clothes is silly.

If it's that degree of money, why does it need to be spent at all?

Surely find a good way to invest and it will fund things for you (and your family) for many years to come.

I'd not be looking to even touch the original capital for a good long time.

Sorry OP I can’t imagine receiving 100k and not sharing it with my husband. His money is my money and vice versa.

I’d be looking at a nice holiday, laying a chunk off of the mortgage and saving the rest. I’d see it as benefitting our lifestyle and I don’t know anyone else who’d feel differently tbh.

I’ve just seen it’s more like 200k. To be honest I think this makes you more unreasonable not less. You can take 20k, which is a load of money to spend on yourself and still put the rest towards significantly improve your families situation.

@PhaedraTwo Not necessarily the case, legally, in the event of divorce.

Mortgage would indeed be the obvious choice. Then university costs or other support for young adult DC.

A compromise could be for OP to boost her personal pension, if it’s poor.

YABVU
Over the years I have observed people being greedy with money in marriages causes a lot of trouble and resentment.

In our household, it would probably be split, some of it put aside for any physio, therapy or medical complications that may arise from the accident. I would then have the final say over the rest of it, but it would be spent on the family and I would welcome DHs input. I would probably put some towards a holiday of my choosing and perhaps something in the house. A large chunk would also go on the mortgage as that would be a priority for me and depending on the pension imbalance some might go towards that.

The OP said in her second post there are no rehabilitation costs.

I think we all agree any costs for rehabilitation, medical care, counselling, making living adjustments, future care needs etc would 100% be covered from this payment before considering any other use.

OP has said there are none of these costs.

I think it depends how much money you have generally/how comfortable you are.

If I was scratching around for food money while my partner sat on a comp payment shrugging I think that’s unreasonable. If we’re fine and doing well, then the money is theirs.

If it’s £1000 or less maybe ok to keep it for yourself. If more, you are being unreasonable. However, I’d still share it with all my family even if it was only £500. Because their enjoyment is my enjoyment. How much did you get?

I really can’t understand your way of thinking

As I said upthread, I dont think we can as it looks like a trauma response. I don't want to sound patronising to op but I can imagine having this initial response and then eventually processing it all and letting go.

Personal injury damages are not joint money. Inheritance is not joint but if the inherited money is used to buy the matrimonial home it loses its separate status.

My husband and myself counted any money as ‘family money’ I would have disliked it any other way. But, I suppose we’re all different.

I think I see where you’re coming from @ImNotSharing. If all money is joint anyway - your clothes and hobbies, family holidays, mortgage, kids, future uni etc costs are all being covered then what would you actually do with the money long term? You said spend on clothes & hobby but as they are both seemingly covered now is it more about just wanting ultimate control of the money rather than actually using the money for yourself? Is this a bit like planning on doing something, being told/asked to do it and then not wanting to do it anymore? Other than stash it away, in your name only, just in case YOU ever need it (for what, who knows?) I’m not sure what else you’d do with it if you don’t want to pay off the mortgage/used it for a family holiday/future uni or housing for the DC.

it sounds like you’ve been through something traumatic with lasting consequences, you fought hard and won against the odds and really need that acknowledged and recognised. First thing I think you need to spend any of the money on is some professional help to work through your feelings on this - I think there’s a reason why you feel the way you do about the money and help to unpick that would be a good starting point.

You have joint finances so it should be family money, but with a caveat. We have joint finances too. Where either of us has come into substantial sums (e.g. family inheritance) the person who is 'responsible' for it (or the reason for it) gets to buy something special just for them. I have bought art, been on a trip with a friend etc with money that has come through me. But the far larger portion has gone into the family. If you are talking mortgage paying, life changing sums, holding onto it would be incredibly selfish. You were the one who was harmed, but I bet your DH helped you and supported you through it, it didn't just impact you alone.

I’d stick £20k in my own bank account; £20k in family savings for ‘new-roof’ money; £20k on a whizz-bang holiday for you separately and also the family and pay off the mortgage with the rest.

The ease-of-life it will bring you AND the family would be brilliant. Someone could go part time, allows a buffer for stress as you get older. You may be in an OK money position for now but maybe in 10 years…?

Having more disposable income monthly would mean a better quality of life.

She also said it was traumatic and even if she doesn’t want therapy now, she might later. I had a bad car accident and am still suffering from it 25 years later, so I don’t see some harm putting something away, just in case.

Honestly, this is wild to me.

I actually think that if it was £15-20k you’d be more justified in keeping it for yourself, but you want to keep and spend £200k on just you whilst your family watch you spend it and get not a penny?

You sound supremely selfish. If I came into money, the first thing I would want to do would be to take my kids on a shopping spree, book a big family holiday, treat my husband, go out for a nice family meal to celebrate.

You 100% would not be totally fine with your husband pursing a claim and keeping £200k all to himself because he was the one who pursued it (you had a solicitor who ran the whole thing for you anyway)

@PhaedraTwo Not a lawyer, AI says personal compensation is assessed by divorce courts case by case.

If DH had a 100k plus windfall and decided it was all for him, I'd be upset. I'd probably want him to pay off mortgage, so it frees up money every month, saves on interest, and removes financial pressure.

If it was the other foot, I could never keep it all for myself either, I consider my money his money and vice versa. It all goes into the family pot.

If it was a relatively small amount of money I might understand you wanting to keep it for yourself but to not want to help your own family with a life changing sum just seems so selfish to me!?

Would you not keep the small amount that you initially expected to receive (for your clothes, hobby etc) and then put the rest in the family pot?

If you won the lottery would you keep it all for yourself?

@ImNotSharing

@ImNotSharing I wonder how you might have felt about spending the compensation if your dh had immediately agreed it was YOUR money and your decision how it was spent? Perhaps you might have chosen to take the family on a more expensive holiday than usual; perhaps you'd have chosen to allocate £50K lump towards the mortgage so you can pay it off earlier; perhaps you'd have wanted to ring fence £50K or more for your own personal account and spending (or to support your own career change or personal development) - because you were the one who suffered and who did the work, took the risk relating to the claim. Perhaps you'd want to set a large-ish sum aside to be decided on later regarding possible help for your dc in their uni / house buying years (not a promise of help, not allocated to them now, but something for YOU to make a decision about some years down the line).

The difference would be that it would be your decision (albeit probably discussed with your dh) rather than the assumption that it was family money, with the decisions being made equally.

Not the same situation, but when I received an inheritance dh assumed it was my money to decide how best to use. I did put a lot towards family purposes (not the mortgage because we already had a viable plan for that), but it was my decision.

Have you had therapy? It sounds like you suffered a great deal of trauma and now you want to feel in control - which is very understandable after control was taken away from you. You don't need to make any decisions on the money straight away. But it sounds like at least some of it could be best used on helping you with recovery and healing.

I am. There's a lot of misinformation about "family money" on MN.