To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Lol. op has given every indication this is all about her, she's made her mind up and she doesn't care what anyone else think and I'm pretty sure that includes her husband.

I definitely think some of this money should go on therapy but op hasn't responded to any of those posts. She just wants money to fritter however she wants.

I’m not even sure how you would personally spend that kind of money. Surely you’d pay off the mortgage?! Absolute no brainer.

I say this gently op - does the current family financial set up not give you fair access to the "family money"? The last time I heard about someone who felt like you do it was because they never had any money of their own and were desperate for access to money that their husband didn't dictate how to spend.

Family money, but that wouldn't stop me from being able to spend some on myself.

Wow, to be honest that is crazy to me that you could change your family’s financial situation and yet you wouldn’t. Especially when your husband is, by your own admission, generous with money and you have joint finances.

you said on here if it was the other way round, you’d initially expect it to be family money. Then you say if your husband got the money you’d never dream of thinking it wasn’t his. I think you’re conflicted because Dee down you know this is wrong.

Also, you keep going on about how you did the work of the claim. Did you not have legal representation? Because they will have done all of the work you’re claiming to have done.

why not keep like 10/20k for your hobbies and clothes and put the rest towards your family.

Also I guess you’re not considering paying off the mortgage as you’re not the one who has to pay it, your husband does.

I agree it’s selfish.

You’re able to contemplate NOT using it for paying off the mortgage, living expenses and family life because your DH holds those things together through his salary. Unless he’s also able to afford to do the equivalent of whatever you will do with the money you’re being grossly unfair to him.

i say this and in my house there is no such thing as family money we’ve always kept separate finances and I still think your approach is weird!

I don’t think that’s fair. From the little OP has told us, she’s gone through a life changing incident and received more money than she ever expected as a result. So the money comes with emotional baggage.

I don’t think it’s reasonable that it all goes into the family pot. This money is not the same as salaries. It’s something OP suffered for and subsequently fought hard for. And by the sounds of it, in the same situation her DH probably would not have fought for. Why shouldn’t she get a say in what it is spent on?

In our house all money is family money whatever the source of it. However that doesn’t mean that I don’t get to choose how to spend it. Why does it being family money mean that you can’t do something nice for yourself with some of it. I get that you have worked hard for it, but both I and my DH work hard for all the money that comes in so we both get a say in what we do with it. I couldn’t possibly spend all of that kind of money on myself but I could easily do something nice with a bit of it.

That really isn’t true. I see a lot of clinical negligence claims around that level and significantly higher. Particularly as the OP she has been left with facial injuries.

Would be surprised if it had gone to trial in the short time OP is talking about though.

OP, I can’t imagine having that amount of money and not wanting to treat my kids and partner after what sounds like a rough few years. Similarly, I would want to repay the family pot for any expenses that had been paid due to what happened.

Did you solicitor explain how the settlement figure was calculated? If so, perhaps you could split it like that - so keep all of the general damages (which are designed to compensate you for your pain, suffering and loss of amenity), put the past losses into the family pot and then decide on what to do with the future losses. You’ve had a rough time and I hope that the settlement helps you to move on.

Op you don’t come across well at all, you come across a deeply selfish. What do you mean you birthed his children and facilitated his career by staying home. Were you artificially inseminated, forced to have children that were not yours, forced to stay home because he couldn’t work and pay for childcare in the 50 percent of the time he was liable. No thought not.

You did it because you were giving birth to your own children, children I assume you want even though you’re not playing it it was all him and his children, and you stayed home as you wanted to.

i can’t imagine having a six figure sum and wanting to spend it solely on myself and not my family or children, although I get it you see them as solely his, or to benefit us as a whole, and wanting them to at the same time keep living off my husbands earnings.

i don’t know how your husband can stand to be in the same room as you, the money as brought out your selfish grabby side.

For me it'd be family pot with say 10/15% kept for myself.

I've read your reasons for not wanting to share but don't get it really. Put yourself in their shoes and give it a bit more thought.

Whatever way you decide to go, I'm sorry you've been through this ordeal.

Because OP has taken a hit to her career as so many SAHMs do. They both earned the same before children.

Id pay off the mortgage with it.

You'll all have extra money as "fun money" and be able to do things with your hobbies etc and all live a better life.

Yeah I’m sure she was forced and didn’t want to do that, she’s already said they are his kids, not theirs.

Editing because I didn’t read your updates 🙄

I think it’s odd that you differentiate between the effort you put into obtaining the compensation and the effort you or your DH put in to earning your salary.

However, in our house joint finances doesn’t mean I don’t get to buy myself clothes. Why can’t you buy some clothes out of the money regardless? Also how much are we talking here? If you’re planning on spending 20k on yourself I think that’s unreasonable.

Inherited money and personal injuries damages do not form part of joint matrimonial property.

Yes, but if one person is sitting in £150,000 and refusing to share it whilst the other person has to carry on working for the next 10 years to pay a joint bill.... Seems utter madness to not use the money to get the mortgage done and have everyone living a better life.

It's not £150 we're talking about.

I’ve always thought that everything is family money and I’ve significantly benefitted from DH getting an inheritance. We talk about everything like that though. It’s hard to know what it would be like to be in your position but even if the mortgage was budgeted for I think I would be wanting to use a significant amount to make us more secure. I think my DH would also be encouraging me to be using some of it for myself as well. Is there any resentment that he would benefit from you having gone through everything you have? Did he provide any support of any kind while you were fighting this case?

And in law it is not "family money"

If it was enough to pay off the mortgage that's exactly what I would do. Because if you never have to pay that again you are automatically better off. If my DH had got enough money from any source, to do that, then I know that I would be way down the pecking order,and it would have changed our relationship. Spending money on a hobby rather than be debt free is to my mind a no no. If you need ongoing medical care not provided by the NHS that's a different matter, or adaptations to a property then go ahead, otherwise it's paying off debts.

She’s not going to give you any either lol.

Yes! It is completely unreasonable. I’m actually shocked that you would stash the money away (approx £200k from your previous posts) and keep it all for yourself. Ok don’t pay uni fees, or give your children a deposit that’s fine. But to sit on all that hoarding it away for yourself for little ‘treats’ just doesn’t seem right.

Yes you worked hard for it, but big deal. You have a family, you’re not sat in an ivory tower alone somewhere. I really can’t understand your way of thinking.

Most posters who agree they'd have full control say they'd use some for family anyway. Op has explicitly she sees no reason to use some for her kids (nothing explicitly about husband but implied).

She also won't engage with the idea that this is a trauma response and therapy would be useful. I think it is but op came here to be validated and is not showing any willingness to consider other opinions and options (I presume, perhaps wrongly, this extends to her husband)

The amount being high is what makes you unreasonable. You know deep down that if this was your husband’s compensation you would expect it to be family money. I couldn’t ever imagine not wanting to use it to benefit the financial security of my family instead of frittering it away on stuff that will eventually end up in landfill.